Posts Tagged ‘Musings’

 

It’s been a while since I gave you all a update so I have decided to give you a little sneak preview of the e-book that will be released next month.

Here is the link to the exclusive preview!  -> UnlcukyArtist

 

There will be an announcement this time tomorrow. All we be explained. BIG NEWS

Spread it. Facebook, Re-blog it, Retweet it, tell everyone to get their eyes here tomorrow at this time. ALL will be explained

Hello!

After the success of the last ‘Jowett’s post’ I have decided to do more of them. This on will be focusing on life after the cameras stopped rolling on some of the worlds most popular films. What happened next to in the world of these amazing characters? Well, I’ll tell you….

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

The Story

Well you know the story. An eccentric man, Willy Wonker, that owns a spectacular, world renowned chocolate factory and let’s a select group of people inside to take a tour. By the end of the tour, the group has been whittled down to just one 10 year old boy named Charlie and his grandfather. As he was the last child standing he was given the opportunity to help run the chocolate factory along side Mr Wonker, he accepted and they lived happily ever after…

What Happened Next?

Well it turned out Mr Wonker wasn’t a well man. His decision to let a group of random children enter his top secret factory was fulled by a heavy dose of prescription drugs. The period was known by insiders as ‘Will’s mad month’ where he would make knee jerk decisions like sacking an Oompa-Loompa for looking at him “The wrong way”. Anyway, after he made the offer to Charlie, his medication fulled rampage wore off a day later. He couldn’t remember a thing, feared the worst and set up a meeting with his lawyers

WILLY WONKER: I’m sacred I might have done something bad again

LAWYER: I’m afraid you have Mr Wonker

WILLY WONKER: Go on, give it to me straight……

LAWYER: Well would you like the good news or the bad news?

WILLY WONKER: Bad news…..

LAWYER: You have signed over half your equity to a 10 year old boy..

WILLY WONKER: Oh your joking?

LAWYER: The good news is he will be half culpable for the deaths of the 4 children that took place whilst on the factory property

WILLY WONKER:……Shithouse

Lord of the Rings: The Return of the king

The Story

The ring has been destroyed, order has been restored and the crusaders have been celebrated for their efforts

What Happened Next?

After A weeks worth of long drunken parties that go into the early hours of the morning with the rest of the crusaders, Merry and Pippin get back to the shire. Shortly after Merry get’s a visit from the police. An female elf has filed a complaint of sexual assault against Merry. Merry obviously denied the accusations but the Police have  to come and question both Merry and Pippin on their whereabouts on the nights of the assault. After giving statements, it was apparent that both Merry and Pippin where in the same place as the Elf. After going over their recollection of the night, Merry started to become worne down and aggitated…

OFIFICER: Once more, I want to hear what happened again at the post ring destruction party

MERRY: (Desperate) I’ve already told you what happened!

OFFICER: I want to hear it again. And see if it matches my notes

MERRY: I spent most of the night just in the corner of the room, I’ve told you!

OFFICER: Well what were you doing in the corner at 1.30am?

MERRY: I dunno, just demolishing another thirst quencher, probably

PIPPIN: ‘Thirst Quencher’ is Merry’s slang for Elf (Laughs)

Merry and Pippin share a laugh followed by an awkward pause

MERRY: He’s joking….

OFFICER: Merry Brandybuck, I’m arresting you on suspicion…….

Pippin was cleared on all counts of sexual assault and it was put to bed. Shortly after Frodo returned he realised the last time he saw his wallet was in Mordor. His reaction could be heard across The Shire

Rise of the planet of the apes

The Story

Dr William Rodman has accidentally created a virus that enhances intelligence in apes. This had led them to break out of captivity and rampage across the world

What Happened next?

After secretly being smug at his backfiring virus, he seeks legal advice on his involvement in the end of mankind….

LAWYER: How can I help you Mr Rodman?

WILL RODMAN: Errr I may have done something bad. And It could get worse

LAWYER: Okay, what have you done?

WILL RODMAN: Well, you see that Gorilla out there, smashing up that Mazda?

LAWYER: …..Woah

WILL RODMAN: Yeah. I did that

LAWYER: I see

WILL RODMAN: I’m in trouble, aren’t I?

LAWYER: Erm

A human corpse comes through the window

LAWYER: Yeah

It didn’t make any difference, mankind was doomed. Will Rodman now lives in New York, in a stolen fancy dress, gorilla outfit.

JOWETT: Howdy!

RYAN: Hello

MIKE: Hello

JOEL: Hi

JOWETT: Sooo how’s things? Did you do anything for Halloween?

MIKE: Nah not this year

RYAN: Two years ago we had a gig on Halloween night, so we dressed up for it

JOWETT: Really?

RYAN: Yeah. It was a last-minute decision, made by Mike

JOWETT: Right

RYAN: He got the tour team to start making Halloween costumes in the dressing room, whilst monitoring them

MIKE: It was a good idea

RYAN: Our manager hadn’t a clue what was going on. Back then, out of coincidence, most of our team were black, so our manager walked into the dressing room to find what could only look like a sweat shop and Mike pacing around the room, shouting at them

Laughter

JOWETT: What did he say?

MIKE: He took me aside and said “You can’t do this. They’ve got rights”

Laughter

JOWETT: It’s bonfire night on Saturday. Looking forward to that?

RYAN: Mmm not really

MIKE: Nah, too old for that, really

JOWETT: Did you like it when you were younger?

MIKE: Yeah, loved it when I was little. Me and my mates used to launch fireworks through drain pipes at each other

JOEL: Yeah we did that

JOWETT: I’m sorry, where did you grow up? Basra?

Laughter

MIKE: We got hours of fun out of that

JOWETT: Wow

JOEL: I knew a lad that set a firework off in a random place, once, but I can’t remember where it was

JOWETT: Right. Well your childhood was a bit unusual so I imagine it’s…

JOEL: OH YEAH! It was out of my cat’s arse

Laughter

PING

JOWETT: …Im sorry!?

MIKE: You let you’re mate stick a firework, in your cat’s arse and then light it?

JOEL: Yeah. The cat went one way and the firework went the other

Laughter

JOWETT: I have fu**ing warned you about cat stories on these interviews, Joel!

JOEL: Sorry

JOWETT: That is shocking. I can’t believe you just said that. Most people would start that story and then stop when they realised it was bad. “Oh my mate once stuck a firework in…Oh no I can’t tell that story”

MIKE: But not Joel!

JOWETT: No, not Joel. Is this the same cat that self harms itself?

JOEL: Err yeah

JOWETT: Have you ever considered that’s why it is a bit haunted now?

MIKE: Does rock back and forth when it hears fireworks go off?

JOEL: It is a bit on edge yeah, but I thought all animals are like that around this time of year?

JOWETT: Poor little bastard

RYAN: Which mate was this?

JOEL: Erm nnnnnot sure

JOWETT: Do you still hang around with him? All your mates are a bit odd aren’t they?

JOEL: Nah

RYAN: Yeah they are, they all have odd names

JOEL: Nicknames

JOWETT: Go on, Joel

JOEL: Ermm well there is ‘Dyslexic Pete’

Laughter

JOWETT: I’m guessing he is bad with spelling

JOEL: Yeah, quite bad. He text me once saying “I have just bought a Jazzuki” Took me ages to work out what he had bought

JOWETT: What was it?

JOEL: A jacuzzi

Laughter

JOWETT: Okay, who else?

JOEL: Erm ‘Dave-man’

JOWETT: Right, why do you call him that?

JOEL: He just says ‘man’ at the end of every sentence

JOWETT: Give us an example

JOEL: Erm Like, I will ring him and he will be in the supermarket and I will say “What you buying” and he would say “”bleach man”

Laughter

MIKE: ‘Bleach Man’ sounds like the shittest superhero ever

JOEL: And there was ‘Early bird Jim’

JOWETT: Right?

JOEL: He was arrested for attacking two different women when they were out jogging early in the morning

JOWETT: Oh for fffffff

RYAN: Jesus christ

Laughter

MIKE: Why ‘Early bird’ then?…..Oh “Early bird catches the…

JOWETT: DON’T finish that. Joel said that sentence so blasé

Laughter

RYAN: Don’t look at me like that. I didn’t bring this up

JOWETT: This is bad, isn’t it? We are going to get in trouble for this

MIKE: It’s not that bad. He is in prison isn’t he, Joel?

JOEL: Yeah

MIKE: There you go then, he’s not at large

JOWETT: I suppose. Right that didn’t just happen

RYAN: Didn’t you have a mate that was a psychic?

JOEL: Yeah, he’s the one Mike wasn’t very nice to once

MIKE: (Tut’s)

JOWETT: What did he say?

JOEL: We were in a pub once and he couldn’t find his phone, so he turned to Mike and said “You haven’t seen my phone anywhere, have you?” And Mike said “You tell me”

Laughter

MIKE: Humor is lost on people like that

JOEL: He wasn’t impressed

JOWETT: I honestly don’t know if we can use any of this conversation

MIKE: Oh shut up. You always say this!

JOWETT: BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS F*CKING MAKE IT UNUSABLE!

MIKE: Right! I’m gonna make my OWN blog!

JOWETT: Pshhh give over

MIKE: I will! I will call it ‘Shit my……roadie says’

Laughter

JOWETT: Bean Bag?

MIKE: Yeah!

JOWETT: Yeah, that’s not a blog, is it? It’s more like the start of evidence for a court case

Laughter

JOWETT: Right lets wrap this up. Until next time!

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JOWETT: Hello again!

MIKE: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOWETT: JOEL IS BACK!

Cheering from around the room

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: How are you mate?

JOEL: Better now

JOWETT: Good good. As you know, in your absence, Bean Bag has been filling in for you

JOEL: Yeah

JOWETT: There were some rumours, sparked by Mike, that he had killed you and turned you into a rug

Laughter

MIKE: I never said rug, just kidnapped

JOWETT: Well either way, your back

JOEL: Yeah

JOWETT: However! A lot of people loved Bean Bag as a guest on this and BB himself has suggested he should carry on taking your place

JOEL: Right

JOWETT: We thought about it and decided, in the interest of fairness, to put you through a quiz. If you pass the quiz you will retain your place and Bean Bag will go back to spending his lunchtime at the home for abandoned cats

Laughter

JOWETT: Okay?

JOEL: Err yeah. What are the questions on?

JOWETT: Just one’s we came up with, some are stolen from the Weakest Link I think. I’m confident you will do okay. But, in the interest of fairness, we will be fair to Bean Bag and help you

JOEL: Okay

JOWETT: Okay first question. Hallie Berry was in a film called ‘Monsters ……..

JOEL: INC?

Laughter

JOWETT: YEP! Next question. What was the name of the child in the ‘Jungle Book’?

JOEL: Errr (Pause) Jim?

Laughter

JOWETT: Yeah yeah, finally, who was the second person to walk on the moon?

JOEL: Ah! Errrr b b buzz err buzz….

JOWETT: Yeah?…

JOEL: Buzz, Buzz (Pause) Buzz Lightyear?

Laughter

JOWETT: Yes! It is! Welcome back Joel, you have retained your space on this blog!

RYAN: Honestly thought he was going to get that last one

MIKE: And me

JOWETT: Ahhh back to normal. Right I wanted to talk about the last post

MIKE: Which bit?

JOWETT: Well In the last post we talked about the modern cultural issue’s missing from ‘Harry Potter’

MIKE: Yeah, while you were gone, Joel, we talked about high brow stuff!

JOWETT: Get out Mike! Your contribution was claiming that “Iraqi looking wizards, jumping barriers at train stations would get shot”

Laughter

MIKE: I never said ‘Iraqi looking!’

PING

Laughter

MIKE: I DIDN’T SAY IT!

JOWETT: WHAT DID YOU SAY THEN?

MIKE: …..’black mate’

JOWETT:  Anyway I was going to say, that we forgot to mention that the character ‘Dumbledore’ was gay

MIKE: (Tuts) Shut up

JOWETT: He was mate, J K Rowling admitted it! I mean they didn’t discuss it in the book or films

Laughter

JOWETT: They never had a scene where Dumbledore was in a string vest and leather hot pants hanging around outside public toilets

Laughter

MIKE: It never came up in the book? The other wizard teachers never said anything?

JOWETT: (Laughs) No mate, they were quite liberal

MIKE: So are you saying being gay is an issue ? Oh you make me sick!

JOWETT: Shut up, it’s not an issue. I’m just saying, it’s a modern factor. 1 in 3 people are gay, so she thought ‘Well I better make one of them gay’ and therefore chose the dominating father figure of thousands of children in a school

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughs) Look at management with his hand hovering over the PING button wearing a confused look on his face trying to decide wether there was something wrong with that last sentence

MIKE: Made some comments today haven’t you!

JOWETT: Behave!

RYAN: To be fair, Mike, you have spent the week trying to ‘out’ one of our technicians

JOWETT: What?

RYAN: He has decided one of our technicians is a closet homosexual

JOWETT: Who? And based on what?

MIKE: Callum, and based on the fact the evidence is stacked against him!

JOWETT: For legal reasons can you just point out that you haven’t got a problem with him being gay

MIKE: Well obviously. But I think he is but he’s hiding it. I’m honestly just trying to get him to be himself!

Laughter

JOWETT: Pfft come off it

MIKE: Nah Iv got a bet on with someone

JOWETT: Well he doesn’t look gay. For the readers Callum is a chubby lad with longish brown hair. Give me reasons for you suspect him to be gay

MIKE: He likes ‘Westlife’

JOWETT: Fair enough

Laughter

JOWETT: I’m joking, you can’t base it just on that fact

MIKE: Erm he get’s his eyebrows waxed

JOWETT: Mmmm

MIKE: AND! He has his nipple pierced. When I called him on it and said it’s gay, he said “It’s not gay, Nathan off One Tree Hill has his nipple pierced”

Laughter

MIKE: Saying THAT makes you gay

JOWETT: This sounds like bullying

MIKE: Whatever! I remember once you said he looked like a diabetic Justin Bieber!

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) that’s not true

MIKE: It is

JOWETT: Stop it now, leave that lad alone and let’s move on. I’m going to try to claw back some normal innocent chat. Erm, Ah, on Twitter, someone I was following was asking people what is their favourite romantic movie scene of all time. Mike, a chance to redeem yourself, what is your favourite romantic movie scene? Show your nicer side

MIKE: Erm (Pause) The shower scene in ‘Schindler’s..

JOWETT: RIGHT THAT’S IT FOR THIS POST!

Laughter

PING PING PING

JOWETT: IT’S OKAY IV’E GOT IT! It’s goodbye from everyone here, maybe forever thanks to Mike. Maybe we will see you next week! Goodbye!

Thank you once again for reading. I think if there was ever a post to be considered for the freshly pressed page IT’S THIS ONE! absolutely no swearing at all! Keep following us on Twitter and Facebook, you can find the links on the left hand side of the page. Also sign up to follow us on Bloglovin, we are climbing the Humor chart rapidly and want to get to the top! We are also looking at doing exclusive interviews for other people to put on their blogs, maybe as a band or individually. The intervew will be exclusive to your blog only and you will get to ask the questions, anything you want. If interested, sign up and express your interest!

Get On the Band Wagon!

JOWETT: Hello!

MIKE: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Well! Just got back from Paris haven’t we!

RYAN: Yep

JOWETT: Good wasn’t it! Did all the cliché stuff, saw all the sights and that, when we had time off. Eiffel Tower, saw the Mona Lisa, went to Notredam. Mike was annoyed that Notredam didn’t look exactly like the cathedral in the Disney film

MIKE: Mmm I swear there are steps leading up to it in the film, no steps in real life

JOWETT: I know I know, still impressive though!

RYAN: Yeah, no hunchback though

JOWETT: No, I know

MIKE: Well, actually, we went to a shop on the other side of the river from Notredam and we saw a hunchback bloke in there, homeless looking, buying gin!

Laughter

MIKE: I thought he had been evicted and it had hit him hard or something

JOWETT: Yeah, I remember Joel looking at him in wonder and amazement. Joel actually just treated that trip as an opportunity to get his french international cap, to tick off his list

JOEL: I don’t know what your on about

JOWETT: (Laughs) Come on now. when we were on that boat-bus across the river and you were sat next to that girl who was on her own, you were all over her!

JOEL: She was on her own! I felt sorry for her!

JOWETT: I felt sorry for her mate! Don’t worry about that!

Laughter

RYAN: Suppose it makes a change for the last few girls you were with in England

JOEL: What you mean?

RYAN: Well, have you volunteered to help some charity or something? Because there have been something wrong with the last few. One of them talked a bit slowly

JOEL: (Tuts) I’m not gonna highlight the problem she had, I liked that girl

MIKE: Mmm there is a sorta quiet dignity about the deaf

Laughter

JOWETT: Mike and Ryan did seem to gang up on Joel a lot during our time in paris. I think you both feel threatened by Joel

JOEL: Definitely. They are more scared of me than I am of them

MIKE: No mate that’s spiders

Laughter

JOWETT: Anyway, Bean Bag came along as usual didn’t he, kept himself to himself. The other roadie’s have been acting unusual since we outed BB, haven’t they?

MIKE: Yeah a bit. I’m worried he has given other roadie’s ideas and now they are all making lists and eventually rise up and revolt like the planet of the apes

Laughter

JOWETT: Mmm do you think that might have been slightly offensive? comparing our dangerous roadie’s to monkeys?

MIKE: Nah, well we will see wont we, when next week this blog is run by ‘Tattoo Jim’.

JOWETT: Speaking of ‘Planet of the apes’ Joel, has reviewed the new film but we will get to that in a min. Erm let’s look at some topical things. There was a hurricane. Hurricane Irene

MIKE: Daft name

JOWETT: I suppose, Irene isn’t really a threatening name is it. You wouldn’t associate a name like Irene with destruction

MIKE: Definitely not

JOWETT: Go on then, name it

MIKE: Well you would go with something a bit threatening but ultimately not scary. I’ve got it, ‘Hurricane Chris Brown’

JOWETT: NO!

MIKE: But it only smashes up the home’s of female pop singers, women refuge centre’s

JOWETT: Stop it! where’s the Fu**ing Ping!?

MIKE: And chat show dressing room’s

JOWETT: Management really need to be on the ball when he starts rants like that. Where was the warning Ping?

RYAN: You asked him the question!

JOWETT: Yeah well, let’s move on. Erm, there is set to be a Michael Jackson memorial concert with pop stars doing tribute acts for him

MIKE: What’s this for?

JOWETT: To celebrate the life of Jacko I imagine, Mike

MIKE: WELL!

JOWETT: Don’t do it

MIKE: Just saying, if they are celebrating his life, there should be some balance

RYAN: (Laughing) Like what, Michael?

MIKE: Off the top of my head?

JOWETT: NO!

RYAN: Yeah

MIKE: Erm they should act out Macaulay Culkin’s repressed childhood memories on stage and give the proceeds to a chimp sanctuary

PING

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) Ohhh dear. Joel, do your review

JOEL: Okay. Right. A scientist tries to come up with a cure for Alzheimer’s and has to test out his cure on monkeys. This cure ends up making the monkeys organised

Laughter

JOWETT: Yeah go on

JOEL: One of them steps out of line so they are all seen as too dangerous and so they are all killed except for one that goes to live with the scientist until he attacks someone and has to be sent back to the lab and live with the new monkeys that are being experimented on. While they are there, that evil youth out of ‘Harry Potter’ abuses them

MIKE: What, Ralph Finnes, Voldamort?

JOEL: No

RYAN: Ron?

JOEL: No!

JOWETT: Ron wasn’t evil!

RYAN: Well I dunno!

MIKE: Who did Alan Rickman play?

JOWETT: JOEL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FINISH IT!

JOEL: Anyway this lad teased them, the organised chimp, Caeser, got pissed off and gave the organised gas to the other monkeys and basically, they rioted, smashed up stuff until they got to a park

JOWETT: So the scientist made this cure and it gave the monkeys human intelligence?

JOEL: Yeah, at the end the scientist goes to the park, where they are all kickin about, to reason with Caeser and Caeser goes (Monkey voice) “Caeser is home”

Laughter

MIKE: He said that did he?

JOEL: Yeah

MIKE: (Laughs) Like, in that film, he would have realised that the world is ultimately fu**ed. But if I was him and I had come up with this virus and the monkey had just SPOKE and said “Caeser is home”. Part of me would of thought “……im a fu**kin GENIUS!”

Laughter

JOEL: I’m pretty sure I sponsor a chimp at some zoo ya know, I pay money each month

JOWETT: Do ya?

RYAN: No, he thinks he does,  it’s just child support that he’s paying for

Laughter

JOEL: No it’s a monkey and this film has given me an idea. The monkey is technically mine, so I’m gonna take him home and train him up!

JOWETT: It doesn’t work like that mate, it’s not like a child you can pull out of school, take him home and feed him Smarties in the hope he will become smarter, because I know that’s what you were thinking

Laughter

JOWETT: Right I’m wrapping this up! Until next time! Goodbye!

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Get On the Band Wagon!

JOWETT: Hello!

RYAN: Hello

MIKE: Howdy

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Well! As promised, we are joined by the famous roadie! Or as Mike refers to you as, ‘Bean bag’!

MIKE: (Laughs) That’s not true

JOWETT: definitely is. Wasn’t it Ryan?

RYAN: (Nervously) Err

Laughter

JOWETT: Right, everyone seem’s scared to talk about this so I’m gonna throw myself into it. Apparently, you are a bit eccentric mate?

BEAN BAG: In what way?

JOWETT: Well, I have seen you on various gig locations but never spoke to you. But apparently, and I’m gonna use ‘apparently’ a lot for legal reasons, but you have a list of people, from the tour team…that you would like to sleep with…in order

BEAN BAG: Yeah?

JOWETT: Yeah (Pause) And am I right in believing that there are men AND women on that list?

BEAN BAG: Yeah. But the top three ARE women

JOWETT: Of course they! Your not weird or anything!

Laughter

JOWETT: So out of interest, are the band on it?

MIKE: Don’t do this

Laughter

JOWETT: Why?

MIKE: Just don’t, I would like this professional relationship we have with bean…with our best roadie to stay professional

Laughter

BEAN BAG: Well actually they all are yeah

MIKE: F**k’s sake!

JOWETT: (Laughs) Good stuff! Can you reveal where they all are on this list of?

BEAN BAG: Twenty

JOWETT: Yeah, where are they on this list of twenty?

BEAN BAG: They are all about mid-table

JOWETT: Right

BEAN BAG: Mike was higher, but I was told he had been making remarks about me, so he has slid down the table..

MIKE: Good

BEAN BAG: Towards the kill zone

Pause

JOWETT: Sorry, what?

BEAN BAG: Well I realised a lot of the team would annoy me as well, so I decided to make the list reversible. If you flip the list upside down, it becomes my kill list

Pause

BEAN BAG: Don’t worry, it’s all hypothetical

JOWETT: Right, this whole interview is a legal nightmare

BEAN BAG: It’s just a joke really, most roadie’s have them….probably

Laughter

JOWETT: Erm yeah it’s all obviously a bit a joke, I understand

RYAN: Do you?

JOWETT: No, not really

Laughter

JOWETT: Erm, you have a ‘Death Book’?

BEAN BAG: Yeah, It’s from a Japanese comic called ‘Death Note’. It’s brilliant

JOWETT: Yeah, erm what do you do with this book then?

BEAN BAG: Well, you write the name of you enemies in the book and then they will die

JOWETT: Yeah, erm you like other comic’s?

BEAN BAG: Yeah

JOWETT: Yeah, Comic book film’s?

BEAN BAG: Yeah

JOWETT: Catwoman?

BEAN BAG: Actually, no. Why?

JOWETT: No reason

Laughter

JOWETT: Do you have any other interesting fact’s about yourself?

BEAN BAG: Erm I trained as a Samurai, briefly

Laughter

JOWETT: Briefly? Watching ‘Kill Bill’ doesn’t count

BEAN BAG: Yeah, for a few months, I learnt how to move without making a noise

MIKE: (Laughing) Course he did

JOWETT: Are you an assassin or something?

BEAN BAG: (Laughs) I wish. I suppose I could do if I really wanted to

JOWETT: Yeah, your wasted as a roadie. You could take people out for us!

BEAN BAG: Who?

JOWETT: No one really it was…..

BEAN BAG: I would need two weeks’ notice

JOWETT: No mate it was just a joke….

BEAN BAG: You probably couldn’t afford me

JOWETT: No (Pause) Probably not. Erm tell us a bit more, what makes you tick?

MIKE: The bomb he eventually wears strapped to his waist when he takes out a shopping centre

Laughter

JOWETT: Your brave!

MIKE: I know, I take it back

JOWETT: Ermm, Did you go to College?

BEAN BAG: Yeah

JOWETT: What did you study?

BEAN BAG: History

JOWETT: Oh right, you interested in any particular part of history or people?

BEAN BAG: Oh I’m interested in all the great iconic people in history

JOWETT: Churchill?

BEAN BAG: Stalin was better

JOWETT: (Confused) Right

BEAN BAG: Mao Tse-Tung

JOWETT: Who’s that?

BEAN BAG: Chinese leader from 1945 to 1976, massacred millions of people while in office

JOEL: Ooh show off! (Pause) I mean because he knew that fact…I didn’t mean the Chinese bloke that murdered all those people

Laughter

JOWETT: I’m sensing a running theme here. Anyone else? (Quietly) that murdered a lot of people

Laughter

BEAN BAG: Loads. Not just leaders though. I like other famous figures as well.  Erm, (Pause) Jack

JOWETT: Kerouac?

BEAN BAG: The Ripper

JOWETT: Course

Laughter

BEAN BAG: I do a bit of writing too

JOWETT: Yeah?

BEAN BAG: Yeah I write a journal, keeps my ideas and stuff

JOWETT: Ideas?

BEAN BAG:  Yeah. My thoughts about everything. I’m currently making notes on immigrants

MIKE: Sorry, Are you re writing ‘Mein Kampf’?

PING

JOWETT: (Laughs) OOOKAY THEN! I think we have heard enough. Until next time, It’s goodbye from everyone here!

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Well, after a two-week break, we are back. We had a bit of time off abroad while the lad’s did some more writing. I finally managed to sit down with them for a new interview. Here it is!

JOWETT: So here we are! Back again! After a two-week break. How is everyone?

MIKE: I’m good

JOWETT: Yeah? Ryan?

RYAN: Yeah, tip-top mate

JOWETT: Good stuff! Joel?

JOEL: I’m okay now. I was a bit ill last week

JOWETT: Aw sorry to hear that mate, but not that interested

Laughter

RYAN: Bit harsh

JOWETT: Yeah I suppose it was. Sorry Joel

JOEL: It’s okay

RYAN: He was proper ill too

JOWETT: Were you?

JOEL: Yeah, I was like sweating constantly

JOWETT: Well (Pause) We were in a hot country

JOEL: I know but I was actually ill

MIKE: I can vouch for him, he was genuinely ill. He looked pale for a week and had a constantly gloss of sweat across his face

JOWETT: (Sounding disgusted) Eugh. Why were you constantly so close to him that you noticed he had a sweaty, ill face?

MIKE: Because I tried to punch him one night and my fist slipped off his face. Made a proper squeak

Laughter

JOWETT: Ahh, Mike’s back everybody! Anyway let’s get on with this. Talk about where we went. Mike didn’t like it originally, did you?

MIKE: Well no but

JOWETT: Why was that?

MIKE: Well (Laughs) There were Greek people everywhere

Laughter

JOWETT: And what was the name of the country we were in?

MIKE: It may have begun with  G and had a few E’s in there

Laughter

JOWETT: For the record, be better clear up that you aren’t racist

MIKE: Nah, i just wasn’t a fan at first. But I got into it eventually. It was good!

JOWETT: Yep! Even though Joel was ill, he originally came to groom the foreign fans!

JOEL: That’s not fair

JOWETT: Mate I heard you chatting to the female fans. Taking down number’s and names to add on Facebook

JOEL: It’s not grooming, It’s banter

Laughter

JOWETT: Sure. Well that ‘Banter’ didn’t go down well with the girl he dragged back to his room

Laughter

JOWETT: Sorry, sorry. I just caught a glimpse of one of the managers eye’s and suddenly realised that in this context, ‘dragged’ is a no-no word. While we were away in this mystery location inhabited by Greek’s. Joel got in trouble. Basically he chatted up this girl, got her back

JOEL: WILLINGLY

JOWETT: WILLINGLY! Of course. And she then ran off didn’t she?

JOEL: Err well yeah

Pause

JOWETT: Oh no. Sorry are we not supposed to tell this story?

Laughter

JOEL: Nah it’s okay

RYAN: I spoke to her the next day and she said “All he is bothered about is sex”

JOEL: Well yeah…With her

Laughter

JOWETT: Oh god I knew I was going down dangerous territory when I decided to tell this story. When you got her back to your room, what did you say? Can we re-enact it?

JOEL: Not really

JOWETT: Yeah we can do this, call your lawyer after, it will be fine. Okay I Imagine she said “No I don’t want to sleep with you” Did you give her a drink or anything

JOEL: Err nah

JOWETT: Okay erm “I think I am just going to sit her a drink this lack of hospitality and then I’m going”

Laughter

JOEL: Stop it now

JOWETT: Okay sorry sorry. We better wrap this up! Until next time! It’s goodbye from us all!

 

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JOWETT: Hello!

MIKE: Hi

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: This post is coming off the back of the slagging off match between Mike and Ryan, on Twitter. There were some good ones. I’m guessing people know none of the allegations you made against each other weren’t true but..

MIKE: Mine were

JOWETT: Mmm I don’t think they were

MIKE: All of them were true

JOWETT: So you reckon Ryan stepped on a plug, with no shoes on and cursed Martin Luther King

MIKE: Yep. Read into that what you want

Laughter

RYAN: None of them were true. It was just a game that got a bit heated

JOWETT: Right, well have you made up? Mike was getting desperate and started moaning about it. Saying he was going to look stupid if he couldn’t come up with a comeback. You moan a lot at the moment

MIKE: No I don’t!

JOWETT: You do. At Glastonbury you didn’t stop!

MIKE: I hardly ever moan

JOWETT: You do. ‘On Facebook, On Twitter, On the edge of a tantrum at any minute’

Laughter

JOWETT: So have you made up?

RYAN: Yep

JOWETT: Good stuff. Before we go further I have a question to ask you from a fan. It’s from Tinkerbelle86′s blog. She is asking the question ‘Does anyone go weak at the knees anymore?’ So I said I would put the question to you

RYAN: I don’t think it has ever happened to me

MIKE: Or me

JOWETT: Brilliant. I was hoping more of a discussion lad’s, I’ll be honest

MIKE: Actually, when I lived with my parents, there was a girl who lived next door that use to go weak at the knees when ever she saw me

RYAN: Why’s that? She have Cerebral palsy?

Laughter from all over the room

JOWETT: OOOOOKAY(Laughing) Apologies for that comment. Clearly there is still some backlash from yesterdays Twitter row. I hope that answers the question. She loves you lot you know

JOEL: Mmm

JOWETT: What? I can’t imagine many people tell you that they love you, Joel. I would accept this one

JOEL: Well girls say that word all the time. They love everything. My ex once said she loved Paul Bettany

Laughter

JOEL: I mean, come on

JOWETT: I dunno mate, did you not see his work in the masterpiece that was, ‘Wimbledon’

MIKE: Mmm

JOWETT: Erm I did receive an email about this woman who likes acrobat shows and stuff and she has a pet monkey that can do cartwheels and stuff. But I the name of it has escaped me

Laughter

MIKE: And why the fu*k were you going to tell us this?

JOWETT: Well some circus promoters wanted to sign up the monkey or something, but she refused and said it was too cruel. She say’s she doesn’t even make him do tricks at home

RYAN: Well how does she know he can do the tricks?

JOWETT: Dunno. One day she walks in on it doing a handstand and goes “Woah….i would keep that to a minimum, my little hairy mate”

MIKE: Hang on. This woman who is in to acrobat shows and stuff, has a pet monkey that can do acrobatics, but doesn’t make it do them?

JOWETT: Yeah?

MIKE: But why have something like that and not use it? It would be like having an autistic cousin with an online casino account and NOT use him

JOWETT:  Fu*k’s sake

Laughter

MIKE: What?

JOWETT: Nothing im just totting these down in my head. ‘making light of cerebral palsy and comparing an autistic child to a performing monkey’. No worries. Ryan, have you abandoned the Beatles’ warning signal now?

RYAN: He was too quick

Laughter

JOWETT: I’m sorry again. We actually had a charity, supporting people with Autism, asking us to plug their charity, but It could be more trouble than it’s worth

MIKE: Nah go on. Do you know what this charity does?

JOWETT: Well support people with Autism. They have special carer’s that take them out on trips and stuff

MIKE: That’s good. I would take some of them out

Laughter

JOWETT: When he say’s some of them. He means sufferers of autism

MIKE: Yeah. I have an idea

JOWETT: Well im going to stop you there and say, with my lawyer hat on, no you haven’t. Yesterday, Mike said he reckons there could be money in an idea to set up a womens refuge for the the discarded former members of the sugababes because there have been so many

Laughter

MIKE: Hear me out. Have you ever seen the film ’21′?

JOWETT: No

MIKE: It’s about a team of really clever teenagers that bankrupt casino’s. I could do something like that. Take a few of these people out to a casino, start my own little team

JOWETT: And that’s it for this post. Thank you for reading

MIKE: We could be called the ‘Rain men’

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) Oh god. Erm yeah that’s it for this post. Again ‘m sorry for anyone that took offense, he doesn’t mean it

MIKE: Well. I now own that name idea, before anyone tries to nick it

JOWETT: You can have it mate!

Laughter

JOWETT: He doesn’t mean it. Anyway, this is the last post for two weeks. We are away for a bit, really busy doing this and that, so we will see you again in two weeks! Goodbye!

MIKE: Bye

JOEL: Bye

RYAN: Bye

Like I said in the interview, we will be away for a couple of weeks because of busy schedules and the like. But we will be back after the two week. Keep following!

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JOWETT: We are back from Glastonbury!

MIKE: Hello

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) Sorry. Hello lad’s

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: So we are back from Glastonbury!

RYAN: Yep

JOWETT: Was shit, wasn’t it?

Laughter

MIKE: It wasn’t brilliant

JOWETT: I mean besides the mud, the headline act’s weren’t great. I mean we all know Mike’s views on Chris Martin but none of us are Coldplay fans

MIKE: It wasn’t just his fault. U2 are sh*t too. I mean Bono really is a insufferable cu*t

Laughter

JOWETT: Just to point out to readers, the management stated that the ‘not the slagging off celebs rule’ could only be lifted if  a celeb caused a problem to the band. The rule ended after Mike claimed Chris Martin spat at him in the queue for the toilets. No one else saw it, we are a bit dubious

MIKE: It happened

Laughter

JOWETT: Say what you want about Chris Martin. But he is one of the only songwriters that equally shares writing royalties amongst the rest of his band

RYAN: True, not many other bands do that these days

MIKE: He shares his song writing royalties equally amongst the rest of the band, really?

JOWETT: Yeah, what do you think about that?

MIKE: Well, you know why he does that, don’t you?

JOWETT: Why?

MIKE: To share the blame

Laughter

JOWETT: Fair enough. Just to point out, we don’t think it was all bad. We aren’t massive Beyonce fans, but we all thought she was good

RYAN: Yep Elbow, Ed Sheeran Tinie Tempah, just to name a few, were all good

JOWETT: Anything to add, Joel?

JOEL: Errrm I didn’t mind any of it

JOWETT: It really didn’t, did it. The shit headliners and mud didn’t seem to bother Joel much. You don’t seem to ever let anything bother you. (To Mike) Have you ever seen him angry?

RYAN: I don’t know

MIKE: Yeah I have. Once he had a massive pack of ‘Monster Munch’ as part of his Ryder and I ate the last pack and he shouted at me. But while he was shouting at me he had to say the words “Monster Munch”, therefore taking all the severity out of his shouting

Laughter

JOWETT: Aww Joel. I suppose you need a person like Joel seeing as you two argue a lot anyway

RYAN: We don’t argue that much, only when necessary

MIKE: Mmmm we have our moments, Ryan

RYAN: Well when was the last time?

MIKE: Well actually (Starts laughing) I have seen pictures of Ryan when he was young. And he was a chubby little bastard

Laughter

MIKE: So when Ryan told me when he was young he did karate, he took offense to me saying “You must have looked like kung-Fu Panda”

Laughter

RYAN: Dick head

MIKE: He had a chip on his shoulder about that one for a while

JOWETT: Brilliant. Anyway, on that note, its goodbye from me and the lad’s!

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