JOWETT: Hello!
RYAN: Hello
JOEL: Howdy
JOWETT: We are back! We have been gone a while…
RYAN: How long?
JOWETT: Christmas was the last one
RYAN: Woah
JOWETT: I know! We have been really busy though!
RYAN: True
JOWETT: Mike isn’t here at the moment, but he is on his way back from a party. So because he’s not here, in the interest of fairness, we can say what we like about him!
RYAN: I wouldn’t. He’s angrier now he’s sober. He got a brand new hairdresser sacked last month before he had even touched a hair on his head
JOWETT: How?
RYAN: Because Mike sat in front of the mirror ready to get a trim and the hairdresser put his hand on his shoulders, looked at him through the mirror and said “Isn’t hair weird!”
Laughter
RYAN: He had to go after that. Mike couldn’t trust him
JOWETT: Yeah. I must point out to the readers that Mike has given up alcohol
RYAN: For lent
JOWETT: Psh come on. He’s been told he has to by..
RYAN: Don’t. We have to say that. He get’s angry if you suggest he has to give it up for health reasons
JOWETT: Why?
RYAN: He doesn’t like the idea of being ‘past it’
JOWETT: (Tut’s) Okay. He’s given it up for Dr Lent
Laughter
JOWETT: I’ve compromised. You alright Joel?
JOEL: Yep
JOWETT: How was your Christmas?
JOEL: Good!
JOWETT: Good presents?
JOEL: Yep
JOWETT: What did I get you?
JOEL: A new hand puppet
JOWETT: Yep. You like like it?
JOEL: Love it! I take it around with me. Got it here
(Joel goes into his bag and put’s on a sock puppet)
JOWETT: Aww….bit weird but hey. Don’t give this one to Mike
JOEL: I won’t
JOWETT: Mike did stuff to your last oine didn’t he?
Joel nod’s solomnly
JOWETT: Had to burn it. Anyway!…
RYAN: Before you start a new conversation, have you moved that bottle of Captin Morgans from studio desk?
JOWETT: No. Why?
RYAN: I have been looking for it for ages. Was gonna have a glass to loosen me up for this
JOWETT: Sorry mate. When did you last see it?
RYAN: Hours ago. I was with Mike and….ah
JOWETT: What?
RYAN: He’s had it hasn’t he?
JOWETT: Nah he promised he was off it, didn’t he?
RYAN: Yeah but he was moaning he couldn’t drink at this party. He’s had it
JOWETT: Now come on, mate. It could be anywhere!
Mike crashes through the doors on a pogo stick
MIKE: Waaaaaaaaaaay!
JOWETT: (To Ryan) Yeah, okay, It’s in Mike
Laughter
MIKE: What’s (Pause while he looks around the room) This?
JOWETT: Has someone broken their promise?
MIKE: You what?
JOWETT: You’re drunk, mate
MIKE: Yeah a bit
RYAN: I can smell the booze on you from here. Go have a wash and sober up
MIKE: F*ck you. You know car washes?
JOWETT: Sorry?
MIKE: You know car washes?
JOWETT: Yeah?
MIKE: Mental……aren’t they?
Laughter
Mike get’s up off the ground, staggers about and sit’s next to Joel
MIKE: I can’t even see properly. The first time I met Joel, he told me he had never been in a car wash
JOWETT: What? Even as a kid?
JOEL: No never
MIKE: So I took him! Paid for it too
Laughter
MIKE: You didn’t know WHAT was going on did ya?
JOEL: Mmm no
MIKE: He really had to trust me, because I suppose the first time is a bit unsettling
JOWETT: I suppose so, for children maybe
MIKE: I thought he was gonna try to get out half way through. “BAIL! BAIL!”
Laughter
MIKE: But he didn’t. (Looks at the sock puppet) Who’s your mate?
JOWETT: (Warning tone) No Mike!
MIKE: Can I look at him?
JOEL: Yeah oka…
JOWETT: JOEL!
JOEL: Oh, no sorry
MIKE: (Tut’s) I’m never allowed anything! Apparently I can’t use the water thing down stairs anymore, either
JOWETT: Water thing? The water cooler? You lost your right to the water cooler?
MIKE: It’s not a right, It’s a PRIVILEDGE!…or so reception tells me
Laughter
JOWETT: The party was good then?
MIKE: Yeah. Had to leave early though
RYAN: You did something wrong then?
MIKE: NO!
JOWETT: Mmm ‘out the front early’ or ‘out the back early’?
MIKE: ‘Out the front early’
JOWETT: (To Ryan) Mmm couldn’t have been that bad then
MIKE: I was suggested to leave because I offended someone…apparently
JOWETT: Who?
MIKE: This indian bloke. He is a record executive or something
JOWETT: Offended him?
MIKE: Yeah
JOWETT: Is it a coincidence that he’s foreign? Or is this story based on it
MIKE: That’s for you to decide
JOWETT: Go on….
MIKE: He just comes up to me out of no where and asked if we would perform at his daughters 18th birthday party next month..
JOWETT: And you said….
MIKE: (Indian accent) “Not on your nelly!”
Laughter
JOWETT: You said that?
MIKE: Yeah. What’s wrong with that?
RYAN: Accent
JOEL: Accent
JOWETT: Obviously, the accent
MIKE: Psh
JOWETT: Who’s party was it?
MIKE: Err not sure. It had an Indian theme though (Laughs)
JOWETT: Idiot
MIKE: Do one Jowett!.You do my fu*king head in. I don’t know why I bothered coming here. (Point’s at Jowett) You’re a dick head (Points at Ryan) You’re a dick head (Points at the puppet on Joel’s hand) I don’t even know you, but (Points at Joel) your mate is a dick head
Laughter
JOWETT: Time to wrap this up
MIKE: Jowett?
JOWETT: It’s been great doing this again
MIKE: Jowett?
JOWETT: We aren’t certain how often we can do these interviews so we might do special one’s now and again. So watch this space!
MIKE: Jowett?
Pause
MIKE: Jowett? Jowett?
JOWETT: This better be good..
MIKE: When I do this.(Mike pulls a stupid face) It hurts….
JOWETT: …Don’t do it then
Laughter
JOWETT: Goodbye! Where the fu*ck did you get a pogo stick from at 11 o’clock at night?
