Posts Tagged ‘music’

 

 

Well it’s finally here. After two and a half months in the making, it is ready. Unlucky Artist: Volume 1 is available free to download.

If it wasn’t for the followers on WordPress, I wouldn’t have got the success I have now or even be able to put this sort of project together, so I thank you. Please go to the ISSUU website and give it a good rating if you like it. I also recommend that you download it. It’s quite lengthy and it means you can keep coming back to it. We had last minute problems with the cover so it is a bit plain but really it is about the content.

Spread this far and wide and hopefully we can reach the target number of hits/likes/downloads to do some real damage. The link is below along with the link for the Tumblr site, where it can also be found.

Thank you.

ISSUU - Unlucky Artist: Volume 1

TumblrUnlucky Artist: Volume 1

2 WEEKS AWAY……..

 

 

The launch of the free e-book ‘Unlucky Artist: Volume 1′ will be available three weeks today! To celebrate, here is another sneak preview.

Enjoy!  ——————> UNLUCKYARTIST

UnluckyArtist

Hello!

After the success of the last ‘Jowett’s post’ I have decided to do more of them. This on will be focusing on life after the cameras stopped rolling on some of the worlds most popular films. What happened next to in the world of these amazing characters? Well, I’ll tell you….

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

The Story

Well you know the story. An eccentric man, Willy Wonker, that owns a spectacular, world renowned chocolate factory and let’s a select group of people inside to take a tour. By the end of the tour, the group has been whittled down to just one 10 year old boy named Charlie and his grandfather. As he was the last child standing he was given the opportunity to help run the chocolate factory along side Mr Wonker, he accepted and they lived happily ever after…

What Happened Next?

Well it turned out Mr Wonker wasn’t a well man. His decision to let a group of random children enter his top secret factory was fulled by a heavy dose of prescription drugs. The period was known by insiders as ‘Will’s mad month’ where he would make knee jerk decisions like sacking an Oompa-Loompa for looking at him “The wrong way”. Anyway, after he made the offer to Charlie, his medication fulled rampage wore off a day later. He couldn’t remember a thing, feared the worst and set up a meeting with his lawyers

WILLY WONKER: I’m sacred I might have done something bad again

LAWYER: I’m afraid you have Mr Wonker

WILLY WONKER: Go on, give it to me straight……

LAWYER: Well would you like the good news or the bad news?

WILLY WONKER: Bad news…..

LAWYER: You have signed over half your equity to a 10 year old boy..

WILLY WONKER: Oh your joking?

LAWYER: The good news is he will be half culpable for the deaths of the 4 children that took place whilst on the factory property

WILLY WONKER:……Shithouse

Lord of the Rings: The Return of the king

The Story

The ring has been destroyed, order has been restored and the crusaders have been celebrated for their efforts

What Happened Next?

After A weeks worth of long drunken parties that go into the early hours of the morning with the rest of the crusaders, Merry and Pippin get back to the shire. Shortly after Merry get’s a visit from the police. An female elf has filed a complaint of sexual assault against Merry. Merry obviously denied the accusations but the Police have  to come and question both Merry and Pippin on their whereabouts on the nights of the assault. After giving statements, it was apparent that both Merry and Pippin where in the same place as the Elf. After going over their recollection of the night, Merry started to become worne down and aggitated…

OFIFICER: Once more, I want to hear what happened again at the post ring destruction party

MERRY: (Desperate) I’ve already told you what happened!

OFFICER: I want to hear it again. And see if it matches my notes

MERRY: I spent most of the night just in the corner of the room, I’ve told you!

OFFICER: Well what were you doing in the corner at 1.30am?

MERRY: I dunno, just demolishing another thirst quencher, probably

PIPPIN: ‘Thirst Quencher’ is Merry’s slang for Elf (Laughs)

Merry and Pippin share a laugh followed by an awkward pause

MERRY: He’s joking….

OFFICER: Merry Brandybuck, I’m arresting you on suspicion…….

Pippin was cleared on all counts of sexual assault and it was put to bed. Shortly after Frodo returned he realised the last time he saw his wallet was in Mordor. His reaction could be heard across The Shire

Rise of the planet of the apes

The Story

Dr William Rodman has accidentally created a virus that enhances intelligence in apes. This had led them to break out of captivity and rampage across the world

What Happened next?

After secretly being smug at his backfiring virus, he seeks legal advice on his involvement in the end of mankind….

LAWYER: How can I help you Mr Rodman?

WILL RODMAN: Errr I may have done something bad. And It could get worse

LAWYER: Okay, what have you done?

WILL RODMAN: Well, you see that Gorilla out there, smashing up that Mazda?

LAWYER: …..Woah

WILL RODMAN: Yeah. I did that

LAWYER: I see

WILL RODMAN: I’m in trouble, aren’t I?

LAWYER: Erm

A human corpse comes through the window

LAWYER: Yeah

It didn’t make any difference, mankind was doomed. Will Rodman now lives in New York, in a stolen fancy dress, gorilla outfit.

JOWETT: Hello!

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Howdy

JOWETT: We are back! We have been gone a while…

RYAN: How long?

JOWETT: Christmas was the last one

RYAN: Woah

JOWETT: I know! We have been really busy though!

RYAN: True

JOWETT: Mike isn’t here at the moment, but he is on his way back from a party. So because he’s not here, in the interest of fairness, we can say what we like about him!

RYAN: I wouldn’t. He’s angrier now he’s sober. He got a brand new hairdresser sacked last month before he had even touched a hair on his head

JOWETT: How?

RYAN: Because Mike sat in front of the mirror ready to get a trim and the hairdresser put his hand on his shoulders, looked at him through the mirror and said “Isn’t hair weird!”

Laughter

RYAN: He had to go after that. Mike couldn’t trust him

JOWETT: Yeah. I must point out to the readers that Mike has given up alcohol

RYAN: For lent

JOWETT: Psh come on. He’s been told he has to by..

RYAN: Don’t. We have to say that. He get’s angry if you suggest he has to give it up for health reasons

JOWETT: Why?

RYAN: He doesn’t like the idea of being ‘past it’

JOWETT: (Tut’s) Okay. He’s given it up for Dr Lent

Laughter

JOWETT: I’ve compromised. You alright Joel?

JOEL: Yep

JOWETT: How was your Christmas?

JOEL: Good!

JOWETT: Good presents?

JOEL: Yep

JOWETT: What did I get you?

JOEL: A new hand puppet

JOWETT: Yep. You like like it?

JOEL: Love it! I take it around with me. Got it here

(Joel goes into his bag and put’s on a sock puppet)

JOWETT: Aww….bit weird but hey. Don’t give this one to Mike

JOEL: I won’t

JOWETT: Mike did stuff to your last oine didn’t he?

Joel nod’s solomnly

JOWETT: Had to burn it. Anyway!…

RYAN: Before you start a new conversation, have you moved that bottle of Captin Morgans from studio desk?

JOWETT: No. Why?

RYAN: I have been looking for it for ages. Was gonna have a glass to loosen me up for this

JOWETT: Sorry mate. When did you last see it?

RYAN: Hours ago. I was with Mike and….ah

JOWETT: What?

RYAN: He’s had it hasn’t he?

JOWETT: Nah he promised he was off it, didn’t he?

RYAN: Yeah but he was moaning he couldn’t drink at this party. He’s had it

JOWETT: Now come on, mate. It could be anywhere!

Mike crashes through the doors on a pogo stick

MIKE: Waaaaaaaaaaay!

JOWETT: (To Ryan) Yeah, okay, It’s in Mike

Laughter

MIKE: What’s (Pause while he looks around the room) This?

JOWETT: Has someone broken their promise?

MIKE: You what?

JOWETT: You’re drunk, mate

MIKE: Yeah a bit

RYAN: I can smell the booze on you from here. Go have a wash and sober up

MIKE: F*ck you. You know car washes?

JOWETT: Sorry?

MIKE: You know car washes?

JOWETT: Yeah?

MIKE: Mental……aren’t they?

Laughter

Mike get’s up off the ground, staggers about and sit’s next to Joel

MIKE: I can’t even see properly. The first time I met Joel, he told me he had never been in a car wash

JOWETT: What? Even as a kid?

JOEL: No never

MIKE: So I took him! Paid for it too

Laughter

MIKE: You didn’t know WHAT was going on did ya?

JOEL: Mmm no

MIKE: He really had to trust me, because I suppose the first time is a bit unsettling

JOWETT: I suppose so, for children maybe

MIKE: I thought he was gonna try to get out half way through. “BAIL! BAIL!”

Laughter

MIKE: But he didn’t. (Looks at the sock puppet) Who’s your mate?

JOWETT: (Warning tone) No Mike!

MIKE: Can I look at him?

JOEL: Yeah oka…

JOWETT: JOEL!

JOEL: Oh, no sorry

MIKE: (Tut’s) I’m never allowed anything! Apparently I can’t use the water thing down stairs anymore, either

JOWETT: Water thing? The water cooler? You lost your right to the water cooler?

MIKE: It’s not a right, It’s a PRIVILEDGE!…or so reception tells me

Laughter

JOWETT: The party was good then?

MIKE: Yeah. Had to leave early though

RYAN: You did something wrong then?

MIKE: NO!

JOWETT: Mmm ‘out the front early’ or ‘out the back early’?

MIKE: ‘Out the front early’

JOWETT: (To Ryan) Mmm couldn’t have been that bad then

MIKE: I was suggested to leave because I offended someone…apparently

JOWETT: Who?

MIKE: This indian bloke. He is a record executive or something

JOWETT: Offended him?

MIKE: Yeah

JOWETT: Is it a coincidence that he’s foreign? Or is this story based on it

MIKE: That’s for you to decide

JOWETT: Go on….

MIKE: He just comes up to me out of no where and asked if we would perform at his daughters 18th birthday party next month..

JOWETT: And you said….

MIKE: (Indian accent) “Not on your nelly!”

Laughter

JOWETT: You said that?

MIKE: Yeah. What’s wrong with that?

RYAN: Accent

JOEL: Accent

JOWETT: Obviously, the accent

MIKE: Psh

JOWETT: Who’s party was it?

MIKE: Err not sure. It had an Indian theme though (Laughs)

JOWETT: Idiot

MIKE: Do one Jowett!.You do my fu*king head in. I don’t know why I bothered coming here. (Point’s at Jowett) You’re a dick head (Points at Ryan) You’re a dick head (Points at the puppet on Joel’s hand) I don’t even know you, but (Points at Joel) your mate is a dick head

Laughter

JOWETT: Time to wrap this up

MIKE: Jowett?

JOWETT: It’s been great doing this again

MIKE: Jowett?

JOWETT: We aren’t certain how often we can do these interviews so we might do special one’s now and again. So watch this space!

MIKE: Jowett?

Pause

MIKE: Jowett? Jowett?

JOWETT: This better be good..

MIKE: When I do this.(Mike pulls a stupid face) It hurts….

JOWETT: …Don’t do it then

Laughter

JOWETT: Goodbye! Where the fu*ck did you get a pogo stick from at 11 o’clock at night?

 

We are back!

There will be a brand new post coming from the IMONTHEBANDWAGON boys tomorrow. This is first one back since the lengthy break at after Christmas

Watch this space!

 

JOWETT: Hello! Welcome to the I’m On The Band Wagon Christmas post. I’m here with, Joel, Mike and Ryan

MIKE: Hello

JOEL: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOWETT: And as it’s a special post we have another guest with us. An old favourite. BEAN BAG!

BEAN BAG: Hello

JOWETT: Back again!

BEAN BAG: I am

JOWETT: Right then. Let’s get straight into it! Oh last week, Joel said he was gonna have a go of black magic. How did that go?

MIKE: You had a go, didn’t you?

JOEL: Yeah, nothing seemed to happen. I tried to curse Kelly Clarkson by drawing her face on a potato

Laughter

JOWETT: You drew Kelly Clarkson’s face on a potato? How? And Why?

JOEL: I saw her on one of the music channels and thought “She has put on weight’

JOWETT: So naturally you thought “I’ll kill her”

JOEL: Not kill her, just see if I could influence her life a bit

JOWETT: Right, what did this face look like?

JOEL: Just did it with a black marker pen. I just did two slanted lines for eyes because you can’t really see them anymore

Laughter

RYAN: This is a bit harsh

JOEL: I did the magic on it and then threw it out of the car window when we were moving

JOWETT: And got no results?

JOEL: Not that I know of

JOWETT: So you drew a oriental looking face on a potato and threw it out the window of a moving car?

JOEL:Yeah

JOWETT: You know Kim Jong-il has died, don’t you?

JOEL:……Sh*t. How?

MIKE: Fell out of a moving car

Joel’s mouth drops

Laughter

JOWETT: Anyway, I saw something trendng on Twitter that I would like to ask one of you. Joel! When did you stop believing in Santa?

JOEL: Errm I think when one Christmas morning, my dad threw up carrott

Laughter

JOEL: He forgot to dispose of it before he went to bed and tried to scoff it down before we noticed

JOWETT: Genius. Anyway, Is everyone ready for Christmas?

RYAN: Yeah

MIKE: Ryan was ready for Christmas fu*kin ages ago!

RYAN: Just like to get it out of the way

MIKE: He gave me my present like three weeks ago

JOWETT: Impressive. Have you opened it?

MIKE: Yeah

JOWETT: What was it?

MIKE: (Tut’s) Rod Stuart’s greatest hits

JOWETT: What’s wrong with that?

MIKE: I thought it was a joke. I have seen the advert for this album on TV. The voiceover says “It’s all the Rod Stuart you will ever need!”

JOWETT: (Laughs) Yeah?

MIKE: I’ve already got all the Rod Stuart I will ever need. No punch line needed

Laughter

JOWETT: Alright, fair enough. How have you been getting into the Christmas mood? Have any of you been sent to turn on Christmas lights in a city centre?

RYAN: No, but, we have decided if we get any offers we will send Bean Bag

JOWETT: Why?

MIKE: Because we want to see the disappointed look on his face when he stands in front of hundreds of people, presses a button and nothing blows up

JOWETT: Alright. Joel, do you have a Christmas story to tell us?

JOEL: Yeah

Pause

JOWETT: Well….I’m expecting to hear it at some point

Laughter

JOEL: Oh. When I was little, In the days when I believed in santa, I got up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet. Just before I was about to cross the stairs to go back to my room I thought I heard santa coming up the stairs. So I was trapped. I couldn’t cross the stairs because santa would have seen I was awake and not leave me any presents.

JOWETT: Right

JOEL: So I had to come up with a plan, quickly. I thought ‘If I blind side him as he reaches the top of the stairs and knock him back down the stairs, then he won’t know who did it, I can jump back in bed and he won’t be able to work out who did it’

JOWETT: ……Right. How did that work out for you?

JOEL: My dad now walks with a limp

Laughter

JOWETT: Bean Bag, you got a Christmas story?

BEAN BAG: Yeah I have a Christmas story

JOWETT: Is it a nice story? It’s not weird is it?

BEAN BAG: No

MIKE: I’m going to beg to differ

JOWETT: Really?

MIKE: Yeah. In fact I will bet my place on these interviews that this story will be weird

JOWETT: Oooh Bean Bag! If this story is successfully ‘Not Weird’ then you will get your place back!

BEAN BAG: Right, do you want to leave now, Mike?

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) Oooh he’s confident!

MIKE: Just tell the story

BEAN BAG: A couple of years ago, I got a Spiderman video game for my Playstation as a Christmas present

JOWETT: So far so good!

BEAN BAG: I really got into the game and completed it in a few days

JOWETT: Mike, mate, not looking good for you!

BEAN BAG: But It sort of brain washed me and I tried to jump down a flight of stairs in my house and broke my leg

Mike get’s up and bows

Laughter

JOWETT: Well done, Mike

BEAN BAG: That’s not weird

JOWETT: No it is, mate

RYAN: Just be thankful it wasn’t ‘Grand Theft Auto’

MIKE: I bet that sort of game bores you?

BEAN BAG: It does actually

MIKE: (Daft voice) “What’s the point in this game? I’m standing in a alleyway, having killed a prostitute. I did this last week!”

Laughter

PING

JOWETT: ANYWAY!  Mike, finish off this post with a story

MIKE: I have a Christmas story, but it’s one I have told before

JOWETT: Just do it

MIKE: Right well, It’s this friend of a friend who went out on Christmas eve once. This lad got hammered and, you know when you’re hungover and, like, your thoughts and your mouth aren’t connected properly? Well, he was eating his Christmas dinner and his nan was wittering on as your nan does, and he thought to himself,’Oh shut up nan you c*nt’. Then he looked up and everyone was looking at him and his dad went, ‘ I think you’d better take your dinner upstairs and eat in your room’

Laughter

JOWETT: Ahh how lovely. Anyway, that’s it for this post. We will be back after the Christmas break. So to all the readers, Merry Christmas! Goodbye!

Another one of the most popular posts from the archives. This one coming from back in September! http://wp.me/p1ur1D-61

JOWETT: Hello

RYAN: Hello

MIKE: Hello

JOEL: Hi

JOWETT: Before we started this, Mike, was telling a story. Want to share it?

MIKE: Well, last night, I Went to a 24 hour petrol station to get some fags

JOWETT: Cigarettes, for our American readers

MIKE: Yeah. Anyway there were two crack heads in front buying crisps and pop, with a ferret on a lead

Laughter

JOWETT: What did you say when you saw this?

MIKE: Take a bow son!

JOWETT: Course you did. Didn’t strike you as odd?

MIKE: Bloody heroic. Made my life

Laughter

JOWETT: Where do you even get a ferret?

MIKE: Well actually, about two weeks ago, I saw an advertisement in the back of one of the local papers, where they sell stuff which said “Due to unforseen circumstances, 6 female ferrets”

Laughter

JOWETT: It could have been one of them then. But if this lad was off his face, for all he knew, it was a dog

MIKE: Nah, he knew what he was doing. He looked proper shifty

JOWETT: How?

MIKE: I tried talking to them and I said “How long have you had a ferret?” And one of them looked a bit shifty and goes “What? Nah man it’s a dog”

JOWETT: Right?

MIKE: So I played along and said “Okay okay. What type of dog is it?” and he goes “A thin one bruv, now fu*k off!”

Laughter

MIKE: I just laughed. He may have told me to fu*k off, but it’s still a ferret on a lead

JOWETT: ……..let’s move on

RYAN: Joel wants to talk about being conned

JOWETT: What?

JOEL: I went to a well-known fast food restaurant, they didn’t give me what I ordered and let me leave without what I paid for

JOWETT: Shocking

JOEL: Annoying. This happened before, not getting what I paid for

JOWETT: When?

JOEL: I was on holiday with an ex girlfriend and we signed up for a boat trip. We got on the coach the next day and it like took us to a rock climbing place, then to a forest where we did zip wiring through the forest and then to a like off-road safari thing

JOWETT: Right?

JOEL: I thought ‘This is a bit of an elaborate start to a boat trip’

Laughter

MIKE: You must have known you hadn’t signed up for the right thing half way through those activities?

JOEL: Nah

MIKE: You still thought you were on the right trip?

JOEL: Yeah

MIKE: How about when you were in a tree?

Laughter

JOWETT: Alright, leave him alone now. Erm one of you wanted to talk about…..dark magic?

JOEL: Me

JOWETT: Go on?

JOEL: Well I watched a programme on it and I fancy giving it a go

JOWETT: Not real, mate

JOEL: You didn’t see the documentary. It can be done

JOWETT: You reckon you can do it?

JOEL: I think so, yeah. I think I have some sort of energy in me anyway

JOWETT: You chat some shi….

JOEL: No! Once I had an argument with my girlfriend and kicked my television out of rage while footloose was on TV. The next day Patrick Swayze died

Laughter

JOWETT: We shouldn’t have laughed at that

JOEL: True story

RYAN: Who are you going to do this dark magic on?

JOEL: I’m not sure. Might start with voodoo on certain people

MIKE: If you seriously believe you can pull this off, I will give you a list of some famous people to practice on

JOEL: Okay

JOWETT: Some famous people? That’s not hard to guess. To the readers of this, closely follow the career of Coldplay for the next few weeks

Laughter

MIKE: Nah actually I want nothing to do with this. It’s weird. You do too many weird things

JOEL: Psh you once  put your penis in the mouth of a hand puppet!

Laughter

MIKE: WELL! ….How do you know about that?

JOWETT: The puppet sold it’s story to a newspaper

Laughter

JOWETT: Worst kiss and tell yet!

RYAN: We had loads of those puppets, didn’t we? And Mike abused most of them, while drunk

MIKE: Yep! One of them was like made out of hard rubber

JOWETT: My god you…….did it hurt?

MIKE: Only when it didn’t return my phone calls

Laughter

JOWETT: You silly silly man

RYAN: What happened to all those puppets?

MIKE: Refuge centre, seeking advice

Laughter

JOWETT: Right let’s end this. Until next time, goodbye!

Welcome to another Friday Rewind. This one is going back to August! Enjoy! http://wp.me/p1ur1D-4d

More work is going on with the magazine. The website is nearly ready to start taking subscrptions. We will give you more news when we have hit