Posts Tagged ‘Interviews’

Well you have all be waiting very patiently and I think I’m ready to explain. I have been very busy since last Christmas sorting out this and that for different projects. I was originally scheduled to write a pilot for a production company and it was going to be shown on British television. This was axed due to different issues, mainly on the part of the production company. I went back to the drawing board and knocked a few ideas around, until I decided to return to the blog world and give something back to the fans that got me this far. So to you, I give you…….

UNLUCKY ARTIST: Volume 1 is a collection of scripts and comedy plans that were meant to be shown on TV. Instead I will be releasing them online as a e-book, for free. It will include a new spin on the Imonthebandwagon blog as well as brand new stuff. You won’t have seen anything like this before. It’s the comedy writers equivalent of a mix-tape and I will be putting it online on 24. 10. 12.

I know it seems a long way off but there are still things to sort out and I need to make sure it is as good as it can be before it goes out. There will be sneak previews here and there and I will keep everyone updated on any news. I will send out updates through Twitter, Facebook and imonthebandwagon.com. There will be a Tumblr page set up that will be exclusive from imonthebandwagon and will give details about the project.

It MAY signal the end of the Imonthebandwagon concept, I don’t know what the future holds for that. But it will give birth to new comedy that you just won’t find anywhere else.

Go nuts, Reblog, Retweet and Facebook it. UNLUCKY ARTIST: Volume 1 is coming

JOWETT: Hello!

RYAN: Hello

MIKE: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Here we are, back to normal

RYAN: Yep

JOWETT: Last week I did my own post…

MIKE: We know…..

JOWETT: Just like to point out that it got the highest number of likes we have ever had….

MIKE: We know…..

JOWETT: Most comments for any post we have ever made……

MIKE: ALRIGHT, IT STILL HURTS!

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughs) Okay. Anyway, we are chilled out this week. We have made up after the last interview

MIKE: Yeah we have. I’m not going to even mention how you have annoyed me this week. Because we are friends now

Laughter

JOWETT: Well you have brought it up now, so you might as well. I guarantee it’s going to be something ridiculous

MIKE: It’s not, actually

JOWETT: Well?

MIKE: I heard you have limited what I could have out of the mini-bar in the last hotel we stayed in

JOWETT: I simply suggested you didn’t need one. Just cutting down on expenses

MIKE: Where do you get off, Jowett? If I want a Twix, I’ll have one

Laughter

MIKE: I get hungry sometimes!

JOWETT: Loads of food was bought for you all! It was all in those bags on the bus!

MIKE: (Tut’s) I’m not eating that! It was all rubbish, I didn’t like any of it

JOWETT: Joel liked it

MIKE: I know, I saw the bags placed in front of him and he rummaged through it in a frenzy, grabbed a bag of Doritos between his teeth and squirreled off in to a corner of the room

Laughter

MIKE: And that’s because we hadn’t been fed. He was starving

JOWETT: This isn’t ‘Oliver’! You can feed yourselves!

MIKE: Just let me have my mini-bar, next time. Or else I’m gonna start a new feature, that I will do every week, called “What’s Jowett being a Nazi about this week”

Laughter

MIKE: Next week, Jewish people!

PING

Laughter

JOWETT: Anyway, while we have been away it was one of the managers birthdays, wasn’t it? Let’s call him Bob

MIKE: Yep. Bob’s 40th

JOWETT: I mean, you have known him for a long time now, haven’t you?

RYAN: Yeah

JOWETT: Bob has done a lot for all of you and turning 40 is quite a big birthday. He had to spend his 40th birthday away from his family because he was on tour with us

MIKE: Yeah

JOWETT: So you know, you thought as it’s a big birthday, you would do something special. So you…

MIKE: Fu**ed off for the day

Laughter

JOWETT: It’s touching

MIKE: We would have only ruined it. He didn’t want me around

JOWETT: Some say it’s because your still in a mood about the assistants he has hired for you

MIKE: Not at all. I mean the last two were definitely chosen to test me

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) What do you mean?

MIKE: You know what I mean. The second to last one had one arm

Laughter

MIKE: You knew that would throw me

JOWETT: Because you’re a horrible human being?

MIKE: NO! I defy anyone to keep it together when they walk in on their assistant balancing a muffin on the end of their stump

Laughter

JOWETT: Oh god, what did you say (Daft voice) “RIGHT! That’s it! Who put you up to this?”

MIKE: Pretty much

JOWETT: So what was wrong with the last one?

MIKE: SHE HAD ONE EYE!

Laughter

RYAN: (Laughing) She didn’t have one eye

MIKE: Well only one working one. The other would just stare out at an angle. I couldn’t help but look at it. Honestly when she turned up I thought “Ohh for ffffffff. Someone is taking the piss!”

JOWETT: I don’t see the problem. She could still do her job

MIKE: I’m not being funny, but I’m sure there were people as qualified as her, but with two working eyes. You would choose the person with full eye sight, not Pop….. the other one

JOWETT: No no sorry? What were you about to call her?

MIKE: Nothing

JOWETT: You weren’t about to call a woman with one eye, ‘Popeye’? were you?

Laughter

MIKE: I have said my bit

JOWETT: Okay, let’s move on. You alright, Joel?

JOEL: Yeah, mate

JOWETT: You wanted to make a claim about something

JOEL: Yeah, I saw something yesterday, that I bet no one else has seen

RYAN: You know this is gonna be good

JOWETT: Go on

JOEL: I saw a squirrel being sick

Laughter

MIKE: I really wanted him to tell him to shut up then, but the worst thing about this, is that I think he’s right

JOWETT: I know, I have never seen that. Where was this?

JOEL: The park outside the hotel. It was at the base of a tree, with one arm resting against the tree, just throwing up

Laughter

MIKE: (Daft voice) “Oh my god (sick noises) that nut was off”

JOWETT: Well…well done. Keep us updated on other animals that you have seen being sick. We will m…..

JOEL: Do you know how frogs are sick?

JOWETT: (Sighs) How?

JOEL: They throw up their stomach first, then they dig out all the sick, then swallow the stomach again

Laughter

MIKE: (Sceptical) That’s not true. It rummages through its stomach like a little bag?

JOWETT: Mmm it doesn’t sound right, mate. You never saw Kermit doing…. LEAVE IT!

Laughter

MIKE: I wasn’t gonna say anything!

JOWETT: Good! Anyway, I heard one of you is going to do a voiceover for an advert or something, is this true?

MIKE: Nah, no one wanted to do it

JOWETT: Why? You get good money for things like that these days!

RYAN: Didn’t fancy it

JOWETT: Ever thought about doing acting?

MIKE: Nah

JOWETT: Why? Some of the biggest musicians have been in films. Michael Jackson for one!

MIKE: Was he?

JOWETT: Yeah

MIKE: Like what?

JOWETT: Ermmm he was a scarecrow in a film, that scared kids I think

MIKE: No mate, that was his private life

Laughter

PING

JOWETT: ….Goodbye

Laughter

 

 

 

 

 

JOWETT: Hello

RYAN: Hello

MIKE: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Apologies again, for the lack of posts but we have been busy. Everyone is a little stressed, I’m feeling the strain

MIKE: Can say that again

JOWETT: Sorry?

MIKE: Nothing

JOWETT: No go on?

MIKE: Well you have been moody as f*ck, lately

JOWETT: I’m stressed! You lot don’t help!

MIKE: Don’t jab you’re finger at me, Jowett! We haven’t done anything!

JOWETT: You bloody have! Out of interest, which one of you keeps leaving threatening, joke voice mail messages on my phone?

MIKE: Why?

JOWETT: Because I liked it. Thought it was funny

MIKE: That was me

JOWETT: RIGHT! I’m going to the police. It’s harassment. It’s not funny.  Anyway, let’s start this interview

MIKE: (Tut’s)

JOWETT: What?

MIKE: I thought you were going to praise me for my funny message. You started this interview like you were running a local radio competition and then turned it into a threat! (Daft voice) “If you’re car registration number is A555 WJK then I would bail if I was you because I’ve attached a bomb to the engine”

Laughter

JOWETT: Well you have all been useless this last week. None of you co-operate. Management are loosing their rag with you. Trying to manage you is like trying to organise a flash mob with monkeys

Laughter

JOWETT: You can tell when Mike is in one of those ‘I’m going to wind everyone up’ moods

MIKE: HOW!?

JOWETT: Because you always walk around singing that boyz 2 men song “End of the road”  in an upbeat way! Your evil!

Laughter

MIKE: We haven’t done anything wrong! YOU stress us out!

JOWETT: How?

RYAN: You do keep deleting our TV shows off the TV planner!

JOWETT: I deleted ONE by accident and some others said you had already viewed them!

MIKE: Ryan may have seen them but I haven’t! Or Joel! Joel, what film didn’t you get to watch because Jowett deleted it?

JOEL: E.T

MIKE: E.T! HE FU*KING LOVES THAT FILM! AND YOU DELETED IT!

JOWETT: HE’S SEEN IT HUNDREDS OF TIMES!

MIKE: HE HAD PLANNED TO WATCH IT WITH JIM THE ROADIE! JOEL?

JOEL: I had planned that, yeah

MIKE: SEE!

JOWETT: Well I apologise, Joel

MIKE: TV planner Nazi!

JOWETT: Don’t turn this around on me! What’s this about you, planning to reveal to the press, your clothing label? The one with that stupid name

MIKE: (Tut’s) Oh come on! that was a joke!

JOWETT: It had better of been! What was the name of your ‘label’?

MIKE:………’Clothes From Outside The Gas Chamber’

Laughter

PING

MIKE: It’s okay, I wasn’t really going to do it

JOWETT: Better not do either

MIKE: Are you done?

JOWETT: NO! Joel, there is a rumor floating around that you accidentally gave your number to an undercover reporter posing as a fan, after a gig?

JOEL: Just a rumor mate

JOWETT: Sounds like something you would do

JOEL: Nah, I’m smarter than I use to be

MIKE: Christ, what did you use to be? A twig with Autism?

Laughter

PING

JOWETT: Ahh Err I’m sorry to any twigs with autism listening

Laughter

RYAN: Why did you apologise for that?

JOWETT: ……I don’t know

MIKE: You have lost the plot

JOWETT: Right, let’s start this off properly now. Someone said they had an email they wanted me to read out?

Pause

JOWETT: Okay, here we are. Erm this is from Sarah. “Hello boys, I follow the blog every week and as a fan I have noticed you talk about cats a lot. I have a cat myself and it has just given birth to a litter of kittens. I was wondering if you would like me to send you one of them……”     We don’t want anything to do with this! No chance!

Laughter

MIKE: No way

JOWETT: Asking for trouble!

Laughter

JOWETT: Right! Let’s start again! Ryan, you said you wanted to talk about something you heard on the news?

RYAN: Yeah. This sounds bizarre. The NSPCC, the charity for the protection of children, have set up a pedophile hot-line

JOWETT: Right, any news that Mike tells you, isn’t always going to be true

MIKE: This hasn’t come from me

RYAN: Nah I heard this on the radio. It is aimed at talking to  and deter convicted pedophiles, who have served their time and been released from jail, from striking again

JOEL: My auntie used to ring up a similar hot-line, but for weight watchers. They gave her support with her diet

JOWETT: Oh my god

Laughter

MIKE: Not quite the same, Joel “Hello? Is that the pedophile hot-line? Well, I just walked past 3 schools and didn’t go in a single one! YAY!”

Laughter

PING

JOWETT: That’s it for this week. I need a lie down

I have been informed that I might not be able to interview the lads next week, so, I have offered to write a post myself. I’m not yet sure what it’s going to be about, but I have offered to let the band come up with ideas. I will put it to the fans aswell. If you want to see a post on something specific then give me ideas. Keep following us on BlogLovin, Twitter and Facebook

Cheers

JOWETT: Hello!

RYAN: Hello

MIKE: Evening

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: There is a bit of an investigation going on in the camp, isn’t there?

RYAN: Yeah

JOWETT: Someone has wrote Bean Bag’s name in his ‘Death Note’ book with death by “Realisation that he is a retard”

Laughter

MIKE: You have gotta laugh

RYAN: I heard him ask if he can put suspects under citizens arrest

Laughter

JOWETT: Oh dear. I suppose if any of you get arrested again then it’s your final strike isn’t it?

MIKE: …..I think we are safe on this one

JOWETT: So it was you then?

MIKE: Nah it wasn’t me

RYAN: He told me the other day that the army wouldn’t let him enroll because he failed as medical and physical test

MIKE: When did he say this?

RYAN: He was wiping out a ant’s nest by pouring boiling water over it, out the back of the venue the other week

JOWETT: Oh for fffff

RYAN: What?

JOWETT: PETA!

RYAN: They don’t care about ant’s

MIKE: (Laughs)(Daft voice, miming pouring water) “Look at them all, working together as a team……..bastards”

Laughter

JOWETT: Joel is the only one that has a ‘cleanish’ record anyway, aren’t you?

JOEL: Yeah, the last time I got in trouble was a while back

RYAN: Yeah the last time you were arrested they wanted to put you under house arrest didn’t they

JOEL: Yeah

RYAN: But you got the last laugh didn’t ya?

JOWETT: Why?

MIKE: He didn’t have a house

JOEL: BOOM

Laughter

MIKE: But this is ridiculous. They are treating it like a murder investigation

RYAN: You’re dad was questioned in a murder investigation wasn’t he?

MIKE: (Tut’s) Why have you said that?

JOWETT: Has he really?

MIKE: He was yeah, but every male on that street was

JOWETT: Explain

MIKE: A woman was found, strangled, in her house so every male on that street was questioned. Even my uncle that lived a few houses down was questioned

JOWETT: Yeah?

MIKE: Yeah. He lived alone at the time with his pet cat called Graham.

JOWETT: Why did he call it Graham?

MIKE: Because it was grey and it ate ham for its dinner

Laughter

JOWETT: Fair enough

MIKE: Anyway, the police came in to his house and said “Do you live alone?” and he said “Yeah”. So before they questioned him, he was making them a cup of tea on his own in the kitchen and Graham must have been in the way or something because my uncle said “Get out, Graham!”. So the police heard that and said”Who’s Graham? You said you lived alone! GET GRAHAM OUT HERE! WE WANT TO TALK TO GRAHAM!” and my uncle said “You can’t, he’s just jumped over the back wall”

Laughter

MIKE: They thought some guilty bloke called Graham had legged it

JOWETT: That’s brilliant

MIKE: I know. He said they shot off in embarrassment as soon as they realised Graham was a cat

JOWETT: Well that’s a weekly cat story quoter filled. I have a story from the news that I want to talk about. ‘Man breaches order banning him from dressing like a school girl in public’

Laughter

JOWETT: “Peter Trigger, 62, was given a five-year ASBO in December 2008 banning him from wearing a skirt or showing bare legs on school days between 8.30am and 10am and between 2.45pm and 4pm”.

MIKE: (Laughs) His lawyer must be tearing his hair out “What did I tell you?” “Err I’m not allowed to wear a skirt or show bare legs during school times” “So what were you doing in a MINI SKIRT DURING SCHOOL HOURS!?”

Laughter

JOWETT: They really do their best to avoid calling him a pedophile, in this story

MIKE: This doesn’t mean he’s a pedophile

JOWETT: He is trying to hang out with kids!

MIKE: (Tut’s) SO!? Michael Jackson use to regularly hang out with kid’s, so if your calling Michael Jackson a…….ah yeah I see your point

Laughter

PING

JOWETT: “Northampton Magistrates’ Court heard that Trigger, from Thorplands, Northampton, was alleged to have been near a school in the town in June wearing a girl’s school uniform – including a skirt, and a Northampton Academy blazer”

MIKE: That’s a committed pedophile. He has dressed up in the exact school uniform for the school that he is hanging around outside, trying to blend in

RYAN: Where did he get the blazer from? Like he must have said “Can I have a Blazer please?” “Okay, what is the width of your child’s shoulders?” “Err bigger than usual…….growth spirt”

Laughter

JOWETT: “Colin McGregor, prosecuting, said Trigger had been charged with breaching the first condition of his ASBO which bans him from wearing a skirt”

Laughter

JOWETT: “Mr McGregor said: ‘He was described as wearing a girl’s school uniform with the distinctive bright blue Northampton Academy blazer in the particular area at the relevant time.’Trigger, who appeared in court wearing a black wig” (Laughs) Like a disguise

MIKE: Or he is just sticking with the school girl thing. I like to think he stayed in character through the trail, trying to convince them he is a school girl but failing miserably. He turned up looking like Britney Spears and his lawyer just sat there with his head in hands (Daft Voice) “I promise I’m a school girl! My name is Lindsay, im 13 and I like glitter and shit” he just breaks character when he says “shit”

JOWETT: “’Trigger, who appeared in court wearing a black wig denied breaching his ASBO and has elected for a trial at the magistrates’ court next year”

MIKE: (Daft voice) “Nooooo I wasn’t breaching my ASBO. It wasn’t a skirt, It was a belt” And then he winks at the jury

Laughter

JOWETT: Right that’s that. Let’s wrap this up! Untill next time! Goodbye

Keep signing up to everything if you haven’t done already. Also if you want to hear more from the lad’s, we did an interview with H. E. ELLIS…take a look!

JOWETT: Hello!

MIKE: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Ryan, what was the phone call about, just?

RYAN: Erm apparently a complaint has been made about one of the roadie’s for being rude on the phone to someone from events management

JOWETT: Really?

MIKE: Do they have the name of the person?

RYAN: Apparently not, he wouldn’t give them his name. Apparently he just sounded strange

MIKE: Right, you’re sacked, Bean Bag

Laughter

JOWETT: We have had more comments and email’s asking about Bean Bag and when he will be back. People miss him

RYAN: Weird

JOWETT: Mmm I think he makes people feel better about themselves. But he will be back at some point, he will get his moment

MIKE: In court

Laughter

JOWETT: Erm do we have a film review?

JOEL: Afraid not. I know one I want to watch though

JOWETT: Go on?

JOEL: The Muppet Movie

JOWETT: (Tuts) Seriously?

MIKE: Sorry, were you expecting him to say the kings speech?

JOWETT: (Laughs) Yeah fair enough. The Muppet’s haven’t been around in ages

JOEL: I know, what have they been doing?

JOWETT: They aren’t real, mate. They have been in a box or on a coat hanger for the past few years

MIKE: Imagine if it turned out that they were real?

JOWETT: Well, you will never find out

MIKE: Yeah I will, just cut into Kermit, see if he screams

Laughter

JOWETT: This is why you never got that job at Jim Henson Productions, suggesting ideas like that

MIKE: “Now on the Muppet Show, The Muppet centipede”

JOWETT: (Laughing) Oh my god!

Laughter

JOWETT: Doesn’t Jim Henson’s son carry on the Muppet’s these days? Brian Henson?

MIKE: Yeah, I think he does it apprehensively though. He was jealous his dad spent more time with Kermit than him, so he beats up Kermit (Daft bitter voice) “Dad prefered YOU!” I bet he did that damage to Tiny Tim, its why he had a bad leg

Laughter

PING

MIKE: I bet he took advantage of Miss Piggy aswell, she has had three of his children that he has probably kept quiet

Laughter

JOWETT: Id like to take this opportunity to say Brain Henson does not abuse his Muppet’s

Laughter

JOWETT: Anyway I want to talk about this story I saw in the news. It has been covered to death but I thought it was funny so I’m going to discuss it with you

MIKE: Go on…

JOWETT: ‘A homeowner in southern Sweden got a shock when he found a drunken elk stuck in his neighbour’s apple tree. The moose was apparently on the hunt for fermenting apples when it lost it’s balance and became trapped in the tree. Per Johansson, from Saro near Gothenburg, found the elk making a roaring noise in the garden next door. He called the emergency services, who helped him free the boozed-up beast by sawing off branches. She spent the night recovering in the garden’

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughs) It’s good, isn’t it? Imagine finding that in your back garden. An pissed up Elk tangled in a tree

JOEL: It said it went hunting for fermented apples?

JOWETT: Yeah

JOEL: So did it know it was going to get it drunk?

JOWETT: I wouldn’t have thought so, Joel. I don’t think he had just had a hard day

JOEL: You don’t know that

MIKE: “My wife has left me, hit me with another apple” “I think you have had enough mate”

Laughter

JOWETT: I like this bit “The next day she took herself off into the woods with her hangover”. (Laughs) Like it woke up in the morning and went “Christ my head! What happened to me last night? What are all these people doing around me? Ahh im off in to the woods, I can’t face people today”. The story goes on to say “Drunken elk are not an uncommon sight in Sweden during autumn, when there are plenty of apples about. Other residents of Saro had seen the elk on the loose in the preceding days”

MIKE: Like it was freshers week?

JOWETT: (Laughs) Yeah. Okay Let’s wrap this up. Goodbye from us all here!

We are still looking for people interested in doing an interview with the lads, if you are, send us an email! Also keep signing up to the Twitter and Facebook pages. We are also on Bloglovin so follow us on that to help us get to the top of the humor chart!

Get On the Band Wagon!

JOWETT: Well, we are back again! I’m here with the lad’s. We found Joel, turns out he was ill at home and no one thought to ring him. He is still a bit ill so standing in for him, once again, is Bean Bag

BEAN BAG: Can you stop calling me that, its offensive. If you want to give me a nickname, call me ‘sensei’ after my samurai background

MIKE: Nah that’s not gonna happen, Beanie Bag

Laughter

BEAN BAG: I suggest you do

MIKE: Why? We have got more security now pal, you go near me and some great big bald f**ker will fold you up like origami

Laughter

JOWETT: I think the deal is, Mike, is that your nicer to him, now you have more security. Joel didn’t get this much abuse. And also I must point out to Bean Bag that the security isn’t because of him

MIKE: No no, we have another roadie that resembles a bead filled cushion that threatens to kill or f**k us, it’s for him

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) Michael, please. Anyway, we have a few items to get through on this post. Mike has compiled his own quiz for us to do and also, because we have missed Joel’s film reviews, we have got Bean Bag reviewing a film, which is…

BEAN BAG: ‘Harry Potter’

JOWETT: Bet you loved that!

BEAN BAG: Not really, not my thing

MIKE: Course It is

Laughter

JOWETT: You don’t like Harry potter?

BEAN BAG: No

JOWETT: Well, you do surprise me. I’ve seen them all, Mike and Ryan have seen the odd one so aren’t that familiar with it so I will fill the gaps where necessary. Come on then, let’s have the review, what’s wrong with the film?

BEAN BAG: Well I think children’s films should have an underlying message or teach them about modern issue’s. I don’t think Harry Potter has anything like that running through it

JOWETT: Right, what modern issue’s do you think it should cover?

BEAN BAG: Immigration

Laughter

RYAN: How? (Daft voice) “Bloody house elf’s coming over here, stealing our women, running Taxi services”

Laughter

BEAN BAG: Okay then, what about terrorism?

JOWETT: Well that would have been a different film if terrorism was covered. All of them sat on the Hogwarts Express, happily buying chocolate frogs while in the next carriage someone pulls a rip cord from their chest shouting “Praise Allah”

Laughter

MIKE: Harry’s black mate decides to jump the barrier at platform 9 3/4 so police put a bullet in his head

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) OHHH DEAR! I have just been handed a piece of paper from management that just simply says ‘Stop it’

Laughter

JOWETT: Too much controversy for the Ping to handle. Anyway, Mike, let’s get this quiz rolling

MIKE: Okay. I was thinking for what to base this quiz on, and after asking around about Bean Bag, I have decided to base the quiz on him

JOWETT: Right

MIKE: Only one question though, but it’s tricky

JOWETT: Go on

MIKE: I’ve heard that, in total, you had six pet cat’s

BEAN BAG: Yeah

MIKE: Well my question to Jowett and Ryan is, what happened to them?

RYAN: Christ, how long have we got?

Laughter

JOWETT: Not really a question, more of a police investigation. No offense

BEAN BAG: None taken, I have nothing to hide

JOWETT: What do you mean, what happened to them? Are they all gone?

MIKE AND BEAN BAG: Yes

JOWETT: The RSPCA will kick the fu**in door down, Mike. Is this wise?

MIKE: Just write down what you think what happened to them. Individually

JOWETT: Never gonna this right

MIKE: Actually, he has mentioned the deaths of all of his cat’s before

RYAN: Are any of their deaths unusual?

MIKE: Surprisingly, no

JOWETT: Okay I’m just gonna go have a stab in the dark

MIKE: Okay I will read out the answer. Road, Ant Powder, Road, Ran Away, Pond, Road

JOWETT: Arghhh I actually got a few of them right

MIKE: What did you say?

JOWETT: Either run over, ran away or poisoned

MIKE: Ryan?

RYAN: Unless Road, Ant Powder and Pond are sex positions, I got it wrong

 Laughter

BEAN BAG: Too far. I’m not happy about this

JOWETT: Aww he doesn’t mean it. You need to lighten up. Have you been on holiday this summer?

BEAN BAG: Yes I went to a fantasy holiday camp

JOWETT: What’s that?

BEAN BAG: It’s a bit like a week-long version of capture the flag, but more intense. You live in a camp with your team and have to take over the rival camp. It’s brilliant, you get to use weapons and you could come under fire at any time

MIKE: Christ, who do you book your holidays with, Al-Qaeda?

Laughter

JOWETT:  I think we better wrap this up

BEAN BAG: I want to point out, the ones that died, I had nothing to do with the death’s

JOWETT: Sure sure. Anyway, no offense to Bean Bag, but we hope Joel is better for the next post

BEAN BAG: None taken

JOWETT: Until next time! Tra!

Get On the Band Wagon!

JOWETT: Hello!

MIKE: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOWETT: Joel is missing, like properly missing.

Laughter

JOWETT: It’s not really funny, we haven’t spoken to him in two days. We can’t even use this to ask people to look for him because it’s anonymous, the irony. So to replace him in this post, which is no way related to the disappearance of Joel, we have BEAN BAG!

BEAN BAG: Hello

JOWETT: You have even come prepared with a game you would like to play in this post, is that true?

BEAN BAG: Yeah

JOWETT: OKay we will get on to that a bit later. In the meantime what have you been up to since we last spoke to you?

BEAN BAG: Not a lot

JOWETT: Do you go out much? Like drinking? I imagine you’re a bit of a character once you have had a few down you?

BEAN BAG: I don’t actually drink

JOWETT: Really?

BEAN BAG: When you’re drunk you’re reactions are affected and your guard is down. The last time I drank there was an incident in which there might have been a biting

JOWETT: A biting?

BEAN BAG: I can’t remember the full details of what happened that night but according to the police reports there was a biting

MIKE: I heard you got into a turf war with a squirrel

Laughter

JOWETT: (Nervously Laughing) Michael, don’t. Anyway, have you not been up to anything else?

BEAN BAG: I have been restoring an old bike in my spare time, in my shed

JOWETT: Hmm really, what else is in this shed?

BEAN BAG: Bits and pieces

MIKE: Of Joel?

Laughter

JOWETT: Ohhh dear

BEAN BAG: No

MIKE: Where was Joel on your list?

JOWETT: Stop grilling him!

MIKE: Just interested!

JOWETT: let’s play your game, move this along

BEAN BAG: Okay, it’s a mini quiz I have devised, I came up with them a few minutes ago. Thought it would be a good idea to fill the post instead of news

JOWETT: ……Okay

BEAN BAG: I have given you all pieces of paper and a pen so you can mark down your answers

JOWETT: Yep, you have questions there for us?

BEAN BAG: Yeah

JOWETT: Take it away then!

BEAN BAG: Okay, first question. three ways to completely dispose of bone

MIKE: pfffft

JOWETT: Errr okay, next one

BEAN BAG: What is the capital city of Norway?

Pause

JOWETT: Next one

BEAN BAG: The Suffolk Strangler, Steve Wright, was convicted of five murders on the 22nd of February 2008 (Pauses) who really did it?

MIKE: F**k me

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) Whats up?

MIKE: I’m just eyeing up the exits, mate! Don’t worry about me

BEAN BAG: Which is the fifth planet from the sun?

Pause

JOWETT: Next one

BEAN BAG: Finally, what caused the death of approximately 800,000 people in Africa in 1994?

JOWETT: (Laughing) Right

BEAN BAG: Once you have written down your final answer I will take them off you and add up the scores

Ryan Laughs

JOWETT: What?

RYAN: Mike’s answer to every question is ‘Bean Bag’

BEAN BAG: Childish. So I caused the death of 800,000 African’s then?

JOWETT: Don’t answer that. Who won?

BEAN BAG: Errm (Pause) No one

JOWETT: Everyone got the questions wrong?

BEAN BAG: It appears so yes

Laughter

BEAN BAG: I thought this might happen so I have prepared a tie-break question. Who ever answers this question first, wins

JOWETT: Okay

BEAN BAG: In 2009 Mattel celebrated the 50 th anniversary of Barbie…

MIKE: Ay?

BEAN BAG: As part of a series to celebrate the toy’s 50 th birthday, Mattel brought out a Barbie doll based on which German politician?

MIKE: Goebbles?

BEAN BAG: No

RYAN: Goering?

BEAN BAG: (Sounding fed up) Why? Why would they base a Barbie doll on a Nazi?

RYAN: I dunno, it’s your question!

BEAN BAG: Forget it, im not playing anymore

MIKE: Ooooooo

BEAN BAG: Don’t wind me up

Laughter

JOWETT: Don’t Mike. let’s change the subject. Erm I wanted to ask, do you have a…partner at the moment?

BEAN BAG: No

JOWETT: Did you use to? I heard from some of the other roadie’s you did, but broke up?

BEAN BAG: Well yeah but we broke up

JOWETT: Ah, was it bad?

BEAN BAG: I didn’t let it phase me

JOWETT: Mmm I was told about it actually

BEAN BAG: Told what?

JOWETT: That after it…..you were so heartbroken you couldn’t even look your cat in the eye

Laughter

MIKE: If that cat could talk!

BEAN BAG: Well it can’t because it’s dead. Suppose I could have asked it why it ran out in front of that car

MIKE: THREW itself in front of that car

Laughter

JOWETT: Oookay then! Let’s finish this. Hopefully Joel will be back next week! So until next time! Goodbye!

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Get On the Band Wagon!

JOWETT: Hello!

MIKE: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Firstly I need to ask about something that I heard Joel say earlier

RYAN: What?

JOWETT: Well I heard him say something like “One of you has stolen the laces from my shoes”

Laughter

JOWETT: And then Ryan said “Stop it, remember the band member who cried MULTH”. What’s MULTH?

RYAN: Well a few months ago Joel made some accusations that he couldn’t back up. MULTH stands for Mike is Unessesairly Leaving me THreats

Laughter

RYAN: He reckoned Mike was leaving him threatening messages but when we asked to see them, so he could back up these claims, he reckoned Mike had taken them back

JOWETT: (Laughing) How? How did he get them back?

JOEL: He asked for them back

JOWETT: So you gave them to him?

JOEL: Well yeah

Laughter

MIKE: Ridiculous isn’t it?

JOWETT: Well yeah, I mean it sounds suspect, but I think there might be some truth in it

MIKE: Nah, no proof!

JOEL: It is true, I was going to keep them and show you but he said he really needed them back, so I gave them to him

Laughter

JOWETT: Okay, You are an idiot, Joel. In future, keep the threats, even if he asks for them back

JOEL: Okay

JOWETT: Anyway, here is a story from the news. ‘Paintball bursts breast implant’

RYAN: (Disgusted) Eurgh what?

JOWETT: Well “A woman is recovering after her breast implant burst when she was shot in the chest during a game of paintball. The 26-year-old’s soft gel implant ruptured under her skin when the ball hit her breast at 190mph”

MIKE: Christ

JOWETT: “It caused UK Paintball, which operates more than 50 facilities nationwide, to insist that women with breast implants wear extra chest protection. The company’s standard indemnity form now points out that paint balls can damage breast implants” (Laughs) Sounds like they have put that on their advertisement campaigns ‘UK PAINTBALL, NOW SO POWERFULL IT WILL BUST YOUR FAKE TIT’S!

JOWETT: “At first she thought it was just a painful bruise. But when she went to see a doctor a few days later, he revealed the force of the impact had torn the implant. A UK Paintball spokesman said “Part of the fun of paintball is that it hurts a bit when you get shot”

RYAN: I bet a lot of people get more than just hurt at UK Paintball

MIKE: Mmm sounds like they have to constantly trawl out that sentence (Daft voice) “Being hurt in paintball is half the fun!”

Laughter

RYAN: (Daft voice) “Trips and falls are half the fun!”

Laughter

RYAN: (Daft Voice) “Introducing the odd real bullet, is half the fun!”

PING

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) Yeah yeah okay, I must point out that UK Paintball don’t introduce “The odd real bullet”. Anyway I will finish it off, the spokesman said “The incident has been a real wakeup call and nobody should ever feel worried for their safety during a game of paintball. But it’s worth remembering that having bigger breasts will make you an easier target for your enemies.”

MIKE: obviously

JOWETT: Yep. Anyway there is another story that caught my eye. ‘Cross-eyed possum goes into retirment’

MIKE: This news you keep reading out, is for idiots

JOWETT: Well, do you want to tell us your thoughts on Gaddafi?

MIKE: Who?

JOWETT: Exactly. “Heidi the cross-eyed opossum is being put into retirement at the ripe old age of three-and-a-half to save her from the stress of her celebrity lifestyle” (Laughs) Celebrity lifestyle?

RYAN: Celebrity lifestyle!? Have they sent it to rehab?

MIKE: (Daft voice) It was crazy time’s man, I was doing my own body weight in crack and my relationship with one of the pussy cat dolls went tit’s up and then of course I punched a photographer

Laughter

JOWETT: It says “The mad-eyed marsupial became a worldwide sensation from her enclosure at Leipzig Zoo, Germany, when pictures of her appeared on the internet”

RYAN: What? I’ve never heard of it

JOWETT: ‘Hundreds of thousands signed up to become her Facebook friends and she even had a stint at co-hosting an Oscars show in a live TV link-up with Hollywood. Now keepers say she must withdraw from public life so she can enjoy what’s left of her life in peace and quiet. Zoo spokesman Fabian Schmidt explained: “Heidi’s lifestyle could have contributed to her problems so we have put her into retirement.”

MIKE: Ridiculous, we are living this lifestyle and prostitutes never made Ryan cross-eyed

RYAN: (Tuts) Shut up

JOWETT: Your just jealous because this Possum is more famous than you

MIKE: Pfft behave

JOWETT: Well have you ever presented the Oscars? Well then. “Heidi is even to be separated from her breeding partner Teddy to save her from being bothered” (Laughs) In case what? Teddy tries to get it to sell its story to the papers or appear on Oprah?

Laughter

JOWETT: Anyway, Let’s end this here. Until next time! Goodbye!

MIKE: Tra!

RYAN: Bye

JOEL: Bye

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Get On the Band Wagon!

JOWETT: Hello!

MIKE: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Well! Just got back from Paris haven’t we!

RYAN: Yep

JOWETT: Good wasn’t it! Did all the cliché stuff, saw all the sights and that, when we had time off. Eiffel Tower, saw the Mona Lisa, went to Notredam. Mike was annoyed that Notredam didn’t look exactly like the cathedral in the Disney film

MIKE: Mmm I swear there are steps leading up to it in the film, no steps in real life

JOWETT: I know I know, still impressive though!

RYAN: Yeah, no hunchback though

JOWETT: No, I know

MIKE: Well, actually, we went to a shop on the other side of the river from Notredam and we saw a hunchback bloke in there, homeless looking, buying gin!

Laughter

MIKE: I thought he had been evicted and it had hit him hard or something

JOWETT: Yeah, I remember Joel looking at him in wonder and amazement. Joel actually just treated that trip as an opportunity to get his french international cap, to tick off his list

JOEL: I don’t know what your on about

JOWETT: (Laughs) Come on now. when we were on that boat-bus across the river and you were sat next to that girl who was on her own, you were all over her!

JOEL: She was on her own! I felt sorry for her!

JOWETT: I felt sorry for her mate! Don’t worry about that!

Laughter

RYAN: Suppose it makes a change for the last few girls you were with in England

JOEL: What you mean?

RYAN: Well, have you volunteered to help some charity or something? Because there have been something wrong with the last few. One of them talked a bit slowly

JOEL: (Tuts) I’m not gonna highlight the problem she had, I liked that girl

MIKE: Mmm there is a sorta quiet dignity about the deaf

Laughter

JOWETT: Mike and Ryan did seem to gang up on Joel a lot during our time in paris. I think you both feel threatened by Joel

JOEL: Definitely. They are more scared of me than I am of them

MIKE: No mate that’s spiders

Laughter

JOWETT: Anyway, Bean Bag came along as usual didn’t he, kept himself to himself. The other roadie’s have been acting unusual since we outed BB, haven’t they?

MIKE: Yeah a bit. I’m worried he has given other roadie’s ideas and now they are all making lists and eventually rise up and revolt like the planet of the apes

Laughter

JOWETT: Mmm do you think that might have been slightly offensive? comparing our dangerous roadie’s to monkeys?

MIKE: Nah, well we will see wont we, when next week this blog is run by ‘Tattoo Jim’.

JOWETT: Speaking of ‘Planet of the apes’ Joel, has reviewed the new film but we will get to that in a min. Erm let’s look at some topical things. There was a hurricane. Hurricane Irene

MIKE: Daft name

JOWETT: I suppose, Irene isn’t really a threatening name is it. You wouldn’t associate a name like Irene with destruction

MIKE: Definitely not

JOWETT: Go on then, name it

MIKE: Well you would go with something a bit threatening but ultimately not scary. I’ve got it, ‘Hurricane Chris Brown’

JOWETT: NO!

MIKE: But it only smashes up the home’s of female pop singers, women refuge centre’s

JOWETT: Stop it! where’s the Fu**ing Ping!?

MIKE: And chat show dressing room’s

JOWETT: Management really need to be on the ball when he starts rants like that. Where was the warning Ping?

RYAN: You asked him the question!

JOWETT: Yeah well, let’s move on. Erm, there is set to be a Michael Jackson memorial concert with pop stars doing tribute acts for him

MIKE: What’s this for?

JOWETT: To celebrate the life of Jacko I imagine, Mike

MIKE: WELL!

JOWETT: Don’t do it

MIKE: Just saying, if they are celebrating his life, there should be some balance

RYAN: (Laughing) Like what, Michael?

MIKE: Off the top of my head?

JOWETT: NO!

RYAN: Yeah

MIKE: Erm they should act out Macaulay Culkin’s repressed childhood memories on stage and give the proceeds to a chimp sanctuary

PING

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) Ohhh dear. Joel, do your review

JOEL: Okay. Right. A scientist tries to come up with a cure for Alzheimer’s and has to test out his cure on monkeys. This cure ends up making the monkeys organised

Laughter

JOWETT: Yeah go on

JOEL: One of them steps out of line so they are all seen as too dangerous and so they are all killed except for one that goes to live with the scientist until he attacks someone and has to be sent back to the lab and live with the new monkeys that are being experimented on. While they are there, that evil youth out of ‘Harry Potter’ abuses them

MIKE: What, Ralph Finnes, Voldamort?

JOEL: No

RYAN: Ron?

JOEL: No!

JOWETT: Ron wasn’t evil!

RYAN: Well I dunno!

MIKE: Who did Alan Rickman play?

JOWETT: JOEL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FINISH IT!

JOEL: Anyway this lad teased them, the organised chimp, Caeser, got pissed off and gave the organised gas to the other monkeys and basically, they rioted, smashed up stuff until they got to a park

JOWETT: So the scientist made this cure and it gave the monkeys human intelligence?

JOEL: Yeah, at the end the scientist goes to the park, where they are all kickin about, to reason with Caeser and Caeser goes (Monkey voice) “Caeser is home”

Laughter

MIKE: He said that did he?

JOEL: Yeah

MIKE: (Laughs) Like, in that film, he would have realised that the world is ultimately fu**ed. But if I was him and I had come up with this virus and the monkey had just SPOKE and said “Caeser is home”. Part of me would of thought “……im a fu**kin GENIUS!”

Laughter

JOEL: I’m pretty sure I sponsor a chimp at some zoo ya know, I pay money each month

JOWETT: Do ya?

RYAN: No, he thinks he does,  it’s just child support that he’s paying for

Laughter

JOEL: No it’s a monkey and this film has given me an idea. The monkey is technically mine, so I’m gonna take him home and train him up!

JOWETT: It doesn’t work like that mate, it’s not like a child you can pull out of school, take him home and feed him Smarties in the hope he will become smarter, because I know that’s what you were thinking

Laughter

JOWETT: Right I’m wrapping this up! Until next time! Goodbye!

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Get On the Band Wagon!

JOWETT: Hello!

MIKE: Hello

RYAN: Howdy

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Errm to start off I was just looking at Twitter. P. Diddy left an inspirational quote type thing on Twitter. “Never sacrifice who you are just because somebody has a problem with it. Be you. Always

MIKE: Well, unless your prison psychiatrist says otherwise, then you should probably stop

Laughter

JOWETT: Yeah in those instances you probably shouldn’t, If any nutcase, P.Diddy fans have seen that he’s probably just undoing years of psychiatric treatment to stop them thinking it’s okay to walk down the street and lunge at strangers with scissors

Laughter

JOWETT: Also there was another trending topic ‘Replacing movie names with Voldemort’

MIKE: Is he out of  Harry Potter?

JOWETT: Yeah. Can you think of any good one’s?

MIKE: Erm, which actor played him?

JOWETT: Ralph Finnes, I think

MIKE: What other films has he…..I’VE GOT ONE!

RYAN: You will regret asking him this

MIKE: ‘Voldemort’s list’!

JOWETT: What? I don’t unders…..oh! OHHHH FOR FFFF

Laughter

JOWETT: Mike there, thinking it’s funny to place a fictional evil wizard in a film about the holocaust

PING

RYAN: Do you reckon Bean Bag has ever been to a psychiatrist?

JOWETT: Mmm for those who haven’t read the last post, ‘Bean Bag’ is one of our roadie’s. We interviewed him last week and he came out with some unusual stuff, so we might keep him out of future interviews

Laughter

JOWETT: Unless people want to hear more from him. We should probably keep updated on where you all are on the list!

MIKE: We didn’t need to ever know about that! Now we are all looking over our shoulders! And why did you tell him I said that stuff about him!?

JOWETT: Was funny

MIKE: I’m gonna tell him you have said stuff about him

JOWETT: Fine, I have already done something worse (Laughs)

MIKE: Oh my….what have you done?

JOWETT: (Laughs) Well Bean Bag strikes me as a sorta ‘Mark Chapman’ type nutter so I gave him a copy of ‘Catcher in the rye’ with post-it notes in various parts that just say your name

Laughter

MIKE: That’s not even funny

RYAN: He is the sort of person to do that though

MIKE: definitely! Like I said before, I could see his mug on the evening news and the headline ‘Roadie suicide bomber levels a cinema during a screening of Planet of the apes’ because he thought it was a documentary or something

Laughter

MIKE: He is an ideal target for recruitment for Al-Qaeda, no one would suspect him and he’s nuts

JOWETT: Mmmmm

MIKE: (Laughs) Not gonna join me on my conversation about recruiting terrorists?

PING

JOWETT: I think that noise has answered that question for you MOVING ON! Have you seen that new ‘Planet of the apes’ film? anyone?

MIKE: Nah we haven’t

JOWETT: Or me, I’ve read good things about it though. It’s a prequel isn’t it?

RYAN: I think so yeah

JOWETT: Mmm so Helena Bonham Carter was just a glint in a chimp’s eye at this point

RYAN: (Laughs) Yeah. It’s about her ancestors rioting

JOWETT: Well maybe we can get Joel to review it. Anyway..

MIKE: I want to talk about Ryan’s rapping

Laughter

JOWETT: What about it?

MIKE: It’s doing my head in, he walks around with his headphones on, rapping to himself. And even when he isn’t listening to it, he does it anyway

JOWETT: I don’t see the problem

MIKE: It’s awful

RYAN: It’s not! I’m good at rapping mate! Remember that time we met Kid Cudi in that studio! He said I was good!

JOWETT: Did he?

MIKE: Mmm he said it as he hurled a bottle of Captain Morgan’s at the wall and walked off crying

Laughter

RYAN: Shut up

JOWETT: Well I don’t see a problem with it so im moving on

RYAN: What about Joel’s upcoming interview with that magazine?

JOWETT: What?

MIKE: Oh yeah, he is going to be interviewed about his life and how he got into music etc. He said “I’m going to talk about my hard up-bringing and poverty”

Laughter

JOWETT: You are joking?

MIKE: Nope

JOWETT: Joel, you didn’t grow up in the Ghetto mate

JOEL: Well it is sort of ‘Rags to ritches’ story

MIKE: No mate, ‘Slags to riches and more slags’ maybe

Laughter

RYAN: You weren’t even in trouble when you were younger, Mike was the little scum bag

MIKE: YOU WHAT?

RYAN: Mate you were terrible when you were younger

MIKE: You calling me a hooligan?

RYAN: Well…if the balaclava fits, mate

Laughter

MIKE: (Tuts) Well I was poor growing up!

RYAN: (Laughing) I know!

MIKE: It’s not funny! You were practically destitute anyway! People used to break into your house and leave money, just to take the piss!

Laughter

RYAN: That’s not true

JOWETT: Look, stop bickering! I have a story here ‘Man hits 12yr old daughter at her own birthday party’

Laughter

JOWETT: The Daughter of this bloke apparently tried to restrain her father after he threatened other guests with a broken bottle. So he turned round and dropped her

Laughter

MIKE: She was only 12?

JOWETT: Yeah

MIKE: That will lead to psychological problems when she’s older. She will probably grow up to like that

Laughter and groans

JOWETT: Ohhh Mike! Right I’m not taking this any further. I’m ending it here! Until next time! Goodbye!

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