Posts Tagged ‘Celebrity gossip’

Well you have all be waiting very patiently and I think I’m ready to explain. I have been very busy since last Christmas sorting out this and that for different projects. I was originally scheduled to write a pilot for a production company and it was going to be shown on British television. This was axed due to different issues, mainly on the part of the production company. I went back to the drawing board and knocked a few ideas around, until I decided to return to the blog world and give something back to the fans that got me this far. So to you, I give you…….

UNLUCKY ARTIST: Volume 1 is a collection of scripts and comedy plans that were meant to be shown on TV. Instead I will be releasing them online as a e-book, for free. It will include a new spin on the Imonthebandwagon blog as well as brand new stuff. You won’t have seen anything like this before. It’s the comedy writers equivalent of a mix-tape and I will be putting it online on 24. 10. 12.

I know it seems a long way off but there are still things to sort out and I need to make sure it is as good as it can be before it goes out. There will be sneak previews here and there and I will keep everyone updated on any news. I will send out updates through Twitter, Facebook and imonthebandwagon.com. There will be a Tumblr page set up that will be exclusive from imonthebandwagon and will give details about the project.

It MAY signal the end of the Imonthebandwagon concept, I don’t know what the future holds for that. But it will give birth to new comedy that you just won’t find anywhere else.

Go nuts, Reblog, Retweet and Facebook it. UNLUCKY ARTIST: Volume 1 is coming

JOWETT: Hello!

RYAN: Hello

MIKE: Evening

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: There is a bit of an investigation going on in the camp, isn’t there?

RYAN: Yeah

JOWETT: Someone has wrote Bean Bag’s name in his ‘Death Note’ book with death by “Realisation that he is a retard”

Laughter

MIKE: You have gotta laugh

RYAN: I heard him ask if he can put suspects under citizens arrest

Laughter

JOWETT: Oh dear. I suppose if any of you get arrested again then it’s your final strike isn’t it?

MIKE: …..I think we are safe on this one

JOWETT: So it was you then?

MIKE: Nah it wasn’t me

RYAN: He told me the other day that the army wouldn’t let him enroll because he failed as medical and physical test

MIKE: When did he say this?

RYAN: He was wiping out a ant’s nest by pouring boiling water over it, out the back of the venue the other week

JOWETT: Oh for fffff

RYAN: What?

JOWETT: PETA!

RYAN: They don’t care about ant’s

MIKE: (Laughs)(Daft voice, miming pouring water) “Look at them all, working together as a team……..bastards”

Laughter

JOWETT: Joel is the only one that has a ‘cleanish’ record anyway, aren’t you?

JOEL: Yeah, the last time I got in trouble was a while back

RYAN: Yeah the last time you were arrested they wanted to put you under house arrest didn’t they

JOEL: Yeah

RYAN: But you got the last laugh didn’t ya?

JOWETT: Why?

MIKE: He didn’t have a house

JOEL: BOOM

Laughter

MIKE: But this is ridiculous. They are treating it like a murder investigation

RYAN: You’re dad was questioned in a murder investigation wasn’t he?

MIKE: (Tut’s) Why have you said that?

JOWETT: Has he really?

MIKE: He was yeah, but every male on that street was

JOWETT: Explain

MIKE: A woman was found, strangled, in her house so every male on that street was questioned. Even my uncle that lived a few houses down was questioned

JOWETT: Yeah?

MIKE: Yeah. He lived alone at the time with his pet cat called Graham.

JOWETT: Why did he call it Graham?

MIKE: Because it was grey and it ate ham for its dinner

Laughter

JOWETT: Fair enough

MIKE: Anyway, the police came in to his house and said “Do you live alone?” and he said “Yeah”. So before they questioned him, he was making them a cup of tea on his own in the kitchen and Graham must have been in the way or something because my uncle said “Get out, Graham!”. So the police heard that and said”Who’s Graham? You said you lived alone! GET GRAHAM OUT HERE! WE WANT TO TALK TO GRAHAM!” and my uncle said “You can’t, he’s just jumped over the back wall”

Laughter

MIKE: They thought some guilty bloke called Graham had legged it

JOWETT: That’s brilliant

MIKE: I know. He said they shot off in embarrassment as soon as they realised Graham was a cat

JOWETT: Well that’s a weekly cat story quoter filled. I have a story from the news that I want to talk about. ‘Man breaches order banning him from dressing like a school girl in public’

Laughter

JOWETT: “Peter Trigger, 62, was given a five-year ASBO in December 2008 banning him from wearing a skirt or showing bare legs on school days between 8.30am and 10am and between 2.45pm and 4pm”.

MIKE: (Laughs) His lawyer must be tearing his hair out “What did I tell you?” “Err I’m not allowed to wear a skirt or show bare legs during school times” “So what were you doing in a MINI SKIRT DURING SCHOOL HOURS!?”

Laughter

JOWETT: They really do their best to avoid calling him a pedophile, in this story

MIKE: This doesn’t mean he’s a pedophile

JOWETT: He is trying to hang out with kids!

MIKE: (Tut’s) SO!? Michael Jackson use to regularly hang out with kid’s, so if your calling Michael Jackson a…….ah yeah I see your point

Laughter

PING

JOWETT: “Northampton Magistrates’ Court heard that Trigger, from Thorplands, Northampton, was alleged to have been near a school in the town in June wearing a girl’s school uniform – including a skirt, and a Northampton Academy blazer”

MIKE: That’s a committed pedophile. He has dressed up in the exact school uniform for the school that he is hanging around outside, trying to blend in

RYAN: Where did he get the blazer from? Like he must have said “Can I have a Blazer please?” “Okay, what is the width of your child’s shoulders?” “Err bigger than usual…….growth spirt”

Laughter

JOWETT: “Colin McGregor, prosecuting, said Trigger had been charged with breaching the first condition of his ASBO which bans him from wearing a skirt”

Laughter

JOWETT: “Mr McGregor said: ‘He was described as wearing a girl’s school uniform with the distinctive bright blue Northampton Academy blazer in the particular area at the relevant time.’Trigger, who appeared in court wearing a black wig” (Laughs) Like a disguise

MIKE: Or he is just sticking with the school girl thing. I like to think he stayed in character through the trail, trying to convince them he is a school girl but failing miserably. He turned up looking like Britney Spears and his lawyer just sat there with his head in hands (Daft Voice) “I promise I’m a school girl! My name is Lindsay, im 13 and I like glitter and shit” he just breaks character when he says “shit”

JOWETT: “’Trigger, who appeared in court wearing a black wig denied breaching his ASBO and has elected for a trial at the magistrates’ court next year”

MIKE: (Daft voice) “Nooooo I wasn’t breaching my ASBO. It wasn’t a skirt, It was a belt” And then he winks at the jury

Laughter

JOWETT: Right that’s that. Let’s wrap this up! Untill next time! Goodbye

Keep signing up to everything if you haven’t done already. Also if you want to hear more from the lad’s, we did an interview with H. E. ELLIS…take a look!

Get On the Band Wagon!

JOWETT: Hello!

MIKE: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Firstly I need to ask about something that I heard Joel say earlier

RYAN: What?

JOWETT: Well I heard him say something like “One of you has stolen the laces from my shoes”

Laughter

JOWETT: And then Ryan said “Stop it, remember the band member who cried MULTH”. What’s MULTH?

RYAN: Well a few months ago Joel made some accusations that he couldn’t back up. MULTH stands for Mike is Unessesairly Leaving me THreats

Laughter

RYAN: He reckoned Mike was leaving him threatening messages but when we asked to see them, so he could back up these claims, he reckoned Mike had taken them back

JOWETT: (Laughing) How? How did he get them back?

JOEL: He asked for them back

JOWETT: So you gave them to him?

JOEL: Well yeah

Laughter

MIKE: Ridiculous isn’t it?

JOWETT: Well yeah, I mean it sounds suspect, but I think there might be some truth in it

MIKE: Nah, no proof!

JOEL: It is true, I was going to keep them and show you but he said he really needed them back, so I gave them to him

Laughter

JOWETT: Okay, You are an idiot, Joel. In future, keep the threats, even if he asks for them back

JOEL: Okay

JOWETT: Anyway, here is a story from the news. ‘Paintball bursts breast implant’

RYAN: (Disgusted) Eurgh what?

JOWETT: Well “A woman is recovering after her breast implant burst when she was shot in the chest during a game of paintball. The 26-year-old’s soft gel implant ruptured under her skin when the ball hit her breast at 190mph”

MIKE: Christ

JOWETT: “It caused UK Paintball, which operates more than 50 facilities nationwide, to insist that women with breast implants wear extra chest protection. The company’s standard indemnity form now points out that paint balls can damage breast implants” (Laughs) Sounds like they have put that on their advertisement campaigns ‘UK PAINTBALL, NOW SO POWERFULL IT WILL BUST YOUR FAKE TIT’S!

JOWETT: “At first she thought it was just a painful bruise. But when she went to see a doctor a few days later, he revealed the force of the impact had torn the implant. A UK Paintball spokesman said “Part of the fun of paintball is that it hurts a bit when you get shot”

RYAN: I bet a lot of people get more than just hurt at UK Paintball

MIKE: Mmm sounds like they have to constantly trawl out that sentence (Daft voice) “Being hurt in paintball is half the fun!”

Laughter

RYAN: (Daft voice) “Trips and falls are half the fun!”

Laughter

RYAN: (Daft Voice) “Introducing the odd real bullet, is half the fun!”

PING

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) Yeah yeah okay, I must point out that UK Paintball don’t introduce “The odd real bullet”. Anyway I will finish it off, the spokesman said “The incident has been a real wakeup call and nobody should ever feel worried for their safety during a game of paintball. But it’s worth remembering that having bigger breasts will make you an easier target for your enemies.”

MIKE: obviously

JOWETT: Yep. Anyway there is another story that caught my eye. ‘Cross-eyed possum goes into retirment’

MIKE: This news you keep reading out, is for idiots

JOWETT: Well, do you want to tell us your thoughts on Gaddafi?

MIKE: Who?

JOWETT: Exactly. “Heidi the cross-eyed opossum is being put into retirement at the ripe old age of three-and-a-half to save her from the stress of her celebrity lifestyle” (Laughs) Celebrity lifestyle?

RYAN: Celebrity lifestyle!? Have they sent it to rehab?

MIKE: (Daft voice) It was crazy time’s man, I was doing my own body weight in crack and my relationship with one of the pussy cat dolls went tit’s up and then of course I punched a photographer

Laughter

JOWETT: It says “The mad-eyed marsupial became a worldwide sensation from her enclosure at Leipzig Zoo, Germany, when pictures of her appeared on the internet”

RYAN: What? I’ve never heard of it

JOWETT: ‘Hundreds of thousands signed up to become her Facebook friends and she even had a stint at co-hosting an Oscars show in a live TV link-up with Hollywood. Now keepers say she must withdraw from public life so she can enjoy what’s left of her life in peace and quiet. Zoo spokesman Fabian Schmidt explained: “Heidi’s lifestyle could have contributed to her problems so we have put her into retirement.”

MIKE: Ridiculous, we are living this lifestyle and prostitutes never made Ryan cross-eyed

RYAN: (Tuts) Shut up

JOWETT: Your just jealous because this Possum is more famous than you

MIKE: Pfft behave

JOWETT: Well have you ever presented the Oscars? Well then. “Heidi is even to be separated from her breeding partner Teddy to save her from being bothered” (Laughs) In case what? Teddy tries to get it to sell its story to the papers or appear on Oprah?

Laughter

JOWETT: Anyway, Let’s end this here. Until next time! Goodbye!

MIKE: Tra!

RYAN: Bye

JOEL: Bye

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Get On the Band Wagon!

JOWETT: Hello!

MIKE: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Well! Just got back from Paris haven’t we!

RYAN: Yep

JOWETT: Good wasn’t it! Did all the cliché stuff, saw all the sights and that, when we had time off. Eiffel Tower, saw the Mona Lisa, went to Notredam. Mike was annoyed that Notredam didn’t look exactly like the cathedral in the Disney film

MIKE: Mmm I swear there are steps leading up to it in the film, no steps in real life

JOWETT: I know I know, still impressive though!

RYAN: Yeah, no hunchback though

JOWETT: No, I know

MIKE: Well, actually, we went to a shop on the other side of the river from Notredam and we saw a hunchback bloke in there, homeless looking, buying gin!

Laughter

MIKE: I thought he had been evicted and it had hit him hard or something

JOWETT: Yeah, I remember Joel looking at him in wonder and amazement. Joel actually just treated that trip as an opportunity to get his french international cap, to tick off his list

JOEL: I don’t know what your on about

JOWETT: (Laughs) Come on now. when we were on that boat-bus across the river and you were sat next to that girl who was on her own, you were all over her!

JOEL: She was on her own! I felt sorry for her!

JOWETT: I felt sorry for her mate! Don’t worry about that!

Laughter

RYAN: Suppose it makes a change for the last few girls you were with in England

JOEL: What you mean?

RYAN: Well, have you volunteered to help some charity or something? Because there have been something wrong with the last few. One of them talked a bit slowly

JOEL: (Tuts) I’m not gonna highlight the problem she had, I liked that girl

MIKE: Mmm there is a sorta quiet dignity about the deaf

Laughter

JOWETT: Mike and Ryan did seem to gang up on Joel a lot during our time in paris. I think you both feel threatened by Joel

JOEL: Definitely. They are more scared of me than I am of them

MIKE: No mate that’s spiders

Laughter

JOWETT: Anyway, Bean Bag came along as usual didn’t he, kept himself to himself. The other roadie’s have been acting unusual since we outed BB, haven’t they?

MIKE: Yeah a bit. I’m worried he has given other roadie’s ideas and now they are all making lists and eventually rise up and revolt like the planet of the apes

Laughter

JOWETT: Mmm do you think that might have been slightly offensive? comparing our dangerous roadie’s to monkeys?

MIKE: Nah, well we will see wont we, when next week this blog is run by ‘Tattoo Jim’.

JOWETT: Speaking of ‘Planet of the apes’ Joel, has reviewed the new film but we will get to that in a min. Erm let’s look at some topical things. There was a hurricane. Hurricane Irene

MIKE: Daft name

JOWETT: I suppose, Irene isn’t really a threatening name is it. You wouldn’t associate a name like Irene with destruction

MIKE: Definitely not

JOWETT: Go on then, name it

MIKE: Well you would go with something a bit threatening but ultimately not scary. I’ve got it, ‘Hurricane Chris Brown’

JOWETT: NO!

MIKE: But it only smashes up the home’s of female pop singers, women refuge centre’s

JOWETT: Stop it! where’s the Fu**ing Ping!?

MIKE: And chat show dressing room’s

JOWETT: Management really need to be on the ball when he starts rants like that. Where was the warning Ping?

RYAN: You asked him the question!

JOWETT: Yeah well, let’s move on. Erm, there is set to be a Michael Jackson memorial concert with pop stars doing tribute acts for him

MIKE: What’s this for?

JOWETT: To celebrate the life of Jacko I imagine, Mike

MIKE: WELL!

JOWETT: Don’t do it

MIKE: Just saying, if they are celebrating his life, there should be some balance

RYAN: (Laughing) Like what, Michael?

MIKE: Off the top of my head?

JOWETT: NO!

RYAN: Yeah

MIKE: Erm they should act out Macaulay Culkin’s repressed childhood memories on stage and give the proceeds to a chimp sanctuary

PING

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) Ohhh dear. Joel, do your review

JOEL: Okay. Right. A scientist tries to come up with a cure for Alzheimer’s and has to test out his cure on monkeys. This cure ends up making the monkeys organised

Laughter

JOWETT: Yeah go on

JOEL: One of them steps out of line so they are all seen as too dangerous and so they are all killed except for one that goes to live with the scientist until he attacks someone and has to be sent back to the lab and live with the new monkeys that are being experimented on. While they are there, that evil youth out of ‘Harry Potter’ abuses them

MIKE: What, Ralph Finnes, Voldamort?

JOEL: No

RYAN: Ron?

JOEL: No!

JOWETT: Ron wasn’t evil!

RYAN: Well I dunno!

MIKE: Who did Alan Rickman play?

JOWETT: JOEL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FINISH IT!

JOEL: Anyway this lad teased them, the organised chimp, Caeser, got pissed off and gave the organised gas to the other monkeys and basically, they rioted, smashed up stuff until they got to a park

JOWETT: So the scientist made this cure and it gave the monkeys human intelligence?

JOEL: Yeah, at the end the scientist goes to the park, where they are all kickin about, to reason with Caeser and Caeser goes (Monkey voice) “Caeser is home”

Laughter

MIKE: He said that did he?

JOEL: Yeah

MIKE: (Laughs) Like, in that film, he would have realised that the world is ultimately fu**ed. But if I was him and I had come up with this virus and the monkey had just SPOKE and said “Caeser is home”. Part of me would of thought “……im a fu**kin GENIUS!”

Laughter

JOEL: I’m pretty sure I sponsor a chimp at some zoo ya know, I pay money each month

JOWETT: Do ya?

RYAN: No, he thinks he does,  it’s just child support that he’s paying for

Laughter

JOEL: No it’s a monkey and this film has given me an idea. The monkey is technically mine, so I’m gonna take him home and train him up!

JOWETT: It doesn’t work like that mate, it’s not like a child you can pull out of school, take him home and feed him Smarties in the hope he will become smarter, because I know that’s what you were thinking

Laughter

JOWETT: Right I’m wrapping this up! Until next time! Goodbye!

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Get On the Band Wagon!

 

 

New Interview! You know the score

 

JOWETT: Hello!

RYAN: Howdy

MIKE: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Right, remember last week when i got you to review King-Dom’s tracks that he sent us?

RYAN: Yeah?

MIKE: God, he hasn’t sent more has he?

JOWETT: Not quite. I have his mobile number here and he asked me to ring his during the next interview and put it on speakerphone

Pause

MIKE: You are joking?

JOWETT: No

RYAN: Why?

JOWETT: He wants a word. He’s a fan

RYAN: But he doesn’t know who we are

JOWETT: Yeah (Pause) about that…

MIKE: You fffff

JOWETT: It was an accident! I sorta slipped up and gave out vital information and he guessed. He wont tell anyone, if he does, we’ll kill him. Anyway I’m going to ring it now

MIKE: I can’t believe this

RYAN: I know. Shocking!

JOWETT: Shut up its ringing!

(Pause while sound of ring tone plays)

KING-DOM: Hello?

JOWETT: Dom?

KING-DOM: Yeah?

JOWETT: It’s Jowett. You alright mate?

KING-DOM: Yeah thanks mate!

JOWETT: Say hello to Dom, Ryan

RYAN: Hello mate!

KING-DOM: Hello!

JOWETT: Mike?

MIKE: Do one you talentless little toad

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) MICHAEL! I’m sorry about that Dom, he doesn’t mean it!

MIKE: I do! You’re in trouble too, Jowett! telling him who we are!

JOWETT: Yeah you know who the band are don’t ya Dom?

KING-DOM: Yeah you’re defiantly *********

Laughter

MIKE: Unbelievable

JOWETT: It’s okay he’s a fan! He’s not going to say anything, are ya, Dom?

KING-DOM: Nah i wouldn’t say anything! I am a fan! OH! Can I remix you?

MIKE: No

KING-DOM: Oh come on, please! Do you know what it would do to my career?

MIKE: Do you know what it would do to mine?

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) Okay, we are gonna have to go, Dom. Bye

KING-DOM: Okay, bye!

JOWETT: King-Dom there! What a nice lad! Okay then let’s move on

RYAN: What just happened?

MIKE: He could end up being a psychopath you know! Track us down and stalk us!

JOWETT: Why would he stalk you!

MIKE: I don’t know! He could be mental! He could follow me home one night and stab me!

Laughter

JOWETT: I don’t think so,  Mike

MIKE: Well that’s what happened to that rapper, DJ Ironic! He was stabbed!

JOWETT: Was he?

MIKE: Yeah! he survived it like. I read an interview with him after he recovered. He reckoned it was because the person who stabbed him was after his jewelry. It wasn’t, I just wanted to stab him

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) Ooookay then. That was obviously a joke by Mike, before any lawyers come a calling. Right then! (Pause) You alright Joel? You were very quiet through that

JOEL: Yeah i’m sound

JOWETT: Good. Right I have a news story here. “Ewok and Harry Potter Goblin Actor touched himself in front of teen girl”

Laughter

MIKE: Go on

JOWETT: “Actor Nicholas Read, who played an Ewok in Star Wars and a goblin in Harry Potter, touched himself on a train in front of a teenage girl, a court has heard”

Laughter

JOWETT: “Read undid his trousers and placed his hand underneath a juggler’s hat on his crotch – in full view of a 17-year-old – last October, it was alleged. The actor, from Cheadle in Stoke-on-Trent was travelling north from London after judging a croquet competition when the incident is said to have occurred, Leicester crown court was told” (Laughs) Juggler hat! There are too many jokes, we will resist them because we are better than that!

RYAN: Yep!

JOWETT: “The court heard that he had drunk half a bottle of gin, provided by the competition’s sponsors, after the event”

MIKE: Honestly? Is this true?

JOWETT: Yeah!

MIKE: A drunk dwarf was flashing kids from under a juggling hat?

JOWETT: Yeah!

MIKE: Mental. It could have been worse I suppose. I imagine if he was dressed as a goblin at the time. You would lose you’re fu*kin mind!

JOWETT: Nicholas read told the court he was “a born entertainer”

Laughter

JOWETT: That sounds like his defense “Come oonnnnnnnn, I’m a born entertainer!”

Laughter

JOWETT: We have a picture of him here actually

MIKE: Let’s have a look

JOWETT: There

MIKE: (Laughing) Well. Clearly, fame has gone to his head

Laughter

JOWETT: MICHAEL!

MIKE: WHAT!?

JOWETT: I’m sorry about that, readers. The story goes on “Read said: ‘I’ve worked in entertainment since I was 12, mostly costume work for films, television, theatre and pantomime.’

Laughter

JOWETT: It really is hard not to laugh at this. I feel bad, but, when he said “I’ve worked in entertainment since I was 12!” the jury must have all looked at each other and he went “Well…..mostly costume work” Obviously, like he realised people probably wouldn’t recognise him from anything unless he was covered in fur

Laughter

JOWETT: I must point out that he denies all charges and it’s on going. Right we better rap this up! Say goodbye lads!

MIKE: Bye

RYAN: Bye

JOWETT: Goodbye!

 

Sorry to King-Dom for the abuse and sorry to anyone that was offended. Keep spreading the word! Untill next time!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Get On the Band Wagon!

 

 

 

Hello! Back once again with a new interview. It’s been a while due to studio time and such. So here you go!

JOWETT: Hello!

RYAN: Hello

MIKE: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Back with another interview. At the end of the last one I asked you to listen to some music that was sent in by a fan. They asked us to listen to it and see what we think. You listened to it, didn’t you?

MIKE: Yeah. Who was it by again?

JOWETT: Erm (Pause) A young DJ called King-dom

MIKE: Right

JOWETT: So, what did you think?

MIKE: W*nk!

Laughter

JOWETT: Oh come on! That’s not fair!

RYAN: I didn’t mind it! Thought it wasn’t bad!

JOWETT: Yeah i thought it was okay! Why didn’t you like it, Mike?

MIKE: I listened to like three tracks, and it’s just him badly remixing other people’s songs! So unoriginal! I hate artists that do that. Black eyed peas have been doing it for too long

JOWETT: Okay

MIKE: They are like tramps in supermarkets, living off samples

Laughter

JOWETT: Okay lets move this along. So! Whats new?

MIKE: I have been house hunting

JOWETT: Have you?

MIKE: Yep!

JOWETT: Found anything?

MIKE: Mmm still looking

RYAN: I remember the days when you were on the drugs and owed money ect. So when inspecting new flats you would boot the front door to see if it could be easily kicked in

Laughter

RYAN: You should have seen the look on the tenants face. I would be asking questions about the bathroom and there would be Mike throwing himself at the door

MIKE: Well. Just checking

JOWETT: Right. You been up to anything, Ryan?

RYAN: I was nearly in a car accident. Is that interesting?

JOWETT: Sure! What happened?

RYAN: Was driving back from the studio and someone pulled out on me

JOWETT: Oh right. I thought it was going to be more serious

RYAN: Well. Still! That’s how Rob Collins died!

JOWETT: Who?

RYAN: Rob Collins! Keyboard player in ‘The Charlatans’. H as driving back from the studio and dies in a car accident. Someone drove into him I think. Imagine if you were that person driving and you accidentally kill someone and then realise that they are famous

JOWETT: Yeah, or Rob Collins

Laughter

MIKE: (Laughing) He was famous Jowett!

JOWETT: Okay. I will move this along before we get complaints for Charlatans fans. I want to resurrect a game that we played earlier. Mike can kick it off

MIKE: The dad one?

JOWETT: Yeah

MIKE: Okay. I will give you the names of three celebrities and you have to decide which one you want as your dad. I will use the three celebrities that we selected at random from a magazine we had earlier

OKAY: You have to choose out of, Tiger Woods, Noel Edmunds and Tom Cruise

Laughter

Tiger Woods

Noel Edmunds

Tom Cruise

RYAN: So random

MIKE: I know but we chose them out of a magazine. Now think about this properly, you might want Noel Edmunds kindness

Laughter

JOWETT: I need to point out, for our american fans, who Noel Edmunds is. He is a Game show host in England. He was first famous for Noel’s house party. Google it. Okay, we will do this on Joel because he has kept quiet through the whole interview and he wasn’t around when we did it earlier

MIKE: Okay then Joel, choose one

JOEL: Erm Tiger Woods

MIKE:  Even though he would cheat on your mum?

Laughter

JOEL: Good point. Tom Cruise?

MIKE: Even though he’s a pr*ck?

Laughter

JOEL: I’m not having Noel Edmunds as my dad

JOWETT: What’s wrong with Noel?

JOEL: I wouldn’t want to live with him and that giant pink muppet, Mr Blobby!

Mr Blobby

Laughter

JOWETT: What? Joel that was just a TV show mate, he didn’t live with Mr Blobby in real life!

Still Laughter

MIKE: Mr Blobby? I don’t think you can class him as a muppet, it was a bloke in a suit

JOEL: Well Big Bird from Sesame Street was a bloke in a suit, he was classed as a muppet!

MIKE: What!? Big Bird was like 8 feet tall you mug! That was never a bloke in a suit!

Laughter

RYAN: What were Fraggles then?

MIKE: Muppets

JOEL: Thunderbirds?

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) RIGHT! Stop it now! I’m not sure where i lost this conversation but I’m nipping it in the bud. I know Joel, and if I let this continue he will go on until he’s asking what Simon Cowell is

MIKE: A c*nt

Laughter

JOWETT: Thanks for that, Michael

MIKE: No problem

JOWETT: Someone has just emerged to take you lot away so we will have to cut it short. Say goodbye!

MIKE: Bye

RYAN: Bye

JOEL: Bye

JOWETT: Until next time!

I am realising these interviews are getting shorter because of bad timing but I will plan ahead in future. If you have any questions or topics you want us to discuss, send us an email or a comment!

Get On the Band Wagon!

 

Another comment that Mike came out with during a conversation

MIKE: I saw this documentary last night about people with special needs that, apparently, have unique talents. I think it was called ‘Britains Got Talent’

 

Probably offensive but I thought it was worth posting

Get On the Band Wagon!

 

Its been a while since the last post due to the bands busy schedule but we are back with another interview! Enjoy!

 

JOWETT: Hello!

RYAN: Hello

Pause

JOWETT: Do you want to say hello, Mike?

MIKE: Sorry, I was drinking Ribena

JOWETT: You heard me count down to the start of the interview so why did you decide to have a drink at this precise time?

MIKE: Because I was thirsty! So I took a sip of my Ribena. I like Ribena

JOWETT: Right you have said Ribena too many times. Are they sponsoring you?

Laughter

MIKE: (Laughing) No

RYAN: You sure? That did sound suspicious

MIKE: No!

RYAN: Okay. You wont mind if i say this then. Ribena is the main cause of cancer

Laughter

JOWETT: Wooooaaaaaahhhhhh I’m going to nip this in the bud straight away because I am the one that will pay for that comment. Obviously that was a joke and Ribena does not cause any harm at all. Okay.

MIKE: Do you really only get in trouble for stuff that we come out with?

JOWETT: (Pause) Sh*t

MIKE: Right! Now for our new topic item! MOSKS!

JOWETT: Stop it stop it, shut the fu*k up, it’s not funny. You know how much hate mail we received after the ‘one foot in the grave’ poster that we posted. Now then, this talk has just given me an idea for questions. Have you ever been sued?

MIKE: As a band or individually?

JOWETT: Either will do. I know you have legal representatives for the band

RYAN: Well yeah we have legal representatives for the band but Mike used to have his own lawyer and tried to use the same firm as our representatives

JOWETT: Why didn’t you use them?

RYAN: Because they were a comedy law firm

Laughter

MIKE: They weren’t a comedy law firm at all. The bloke that run it was a mate of mine actually. They went under

RYAN: (Sarcastically) I wonder why!? Tell Jowett the name of the law firm

MIKE: Why?

RYAN: I will do it…

MIKE: Okay, the firm mainly dealt with family cases. Like when parents fight each other for custody of their children

JOWETT: Okay. So what was their name?

MIKE: (Pause) ‘Papa don’t Breach’

Laughter

JOWETT: You are joking?

RYAN: Nope

MIKE: It’s just a name. They were a good firm!

RYAN: They don’t even exist anymore!

JOWETT: Oh dear. Well okay. The firm that represents your band. Have they had to protect you against anything

RYAN: Ermm there was that bother with Joel’s song

MIKE: Ah yeah

JOWETT: Go on

RYAN: Well Joel came to us one day and goes “I have got a new tune, have a listen and see what you think”. So we listened to it and one of our team said it sounds like something he had heard before. He reckoned it was like a Beatles song

MIKE: Yeah so a couple of days later we get a message from Paul McCartney’s lawyer saying they have heard the song and it is identical to one of their tracks and if you proceed with using the song then legal action will be taken

JOWETT: Right

RYAN: So we rang up Joel and said “Erm Joel, you know that songs you played for us last week? Well we have had some comments suggesting that it is similar to a Beatles song. Want to comment?” And Joel said “Yeah its related to a Beatles songs, think of it likes its second cousin. They both have the same DNA” So I said “when you say same DNA, do you mean same chords?”

MIKE: And he said “Yeah yeah!”  “Mmmm that will cause legal issues”

Laughter

MIKE: So we had to abandon it

JOWETT: What an idiot

RYAN: I know. I’m surprised I didn’t recognise the song after the first time Joel played it

JOWETT: Big Beatles fan?

RYAN: Well yeah but I remember listening to all the Beatles albums when I was really young with my uncle. I think it was my uncle anyway

JOWETT: (Confused) You think it was you’re uncle?

RYAN: Yeah

JOWETT: Wasn’t your dad?

RYAN: Nah I just remember listening to them with this man

Laughter

JOWETT: What?

RYAN: I remember listening to the Beatles albums with a man, I think it must have been one of my uncles

JOWETT: (Laughing) Are you sure that was you’re uncle?

MIKE: Which uncle was this. Uncle ‘our little secret’

Laughter

MIKE: Uncle ‘They won’t believe you if you tell them’

Laughter

MIKE: Uncle ‘sat crying on the floor of the shower…..

Laughter

JOWETT: OOOOOKAY THEN, stop it now. It’s probably time we stopped this post. Before we go I must remember that we had some music sent to us by an up and coming DJ. He wants you to listen to it and give feedback for the next post. I have told him you will

RYAN: Sure

JOWETT: Well then, its goodbye from us all here! Untill next time!

 

Keep spreading the word! and if you want to send us stuff to listen to just get in touch!