JOWETT: Erm first off, out of interest, what do you make of the troubles in London at the moment?
RYAN: Mmm it is a bit mental, with all the setting sh*t on fire and robbing shops
MIKE: I’m worried about it
JOWETT: This better be a serious point your about to make, mate
MIKE: It is! My dad works in that part of London I will have you know!
JOWETT: Oh right, sorry
MIKE: Yeah! I’m worried he’s not going to rob me the right size trainers from Footlocker
JOWETT: I’m never throwing a serious question to you ever again. Anyway I got an email asking if you lot have ever slagged off one of these celebrities to their face. Have you?
RYAN: Well a few years back we were supposed to go to this music awards show and we saw the awards list of people going and noticed that ‘The Kooks’ were gonna be there too. So, Mike despises the front man of ‘The Kooks’ and has slated him so many times but never crossed paths
JOWETT: So Mike saw this as an opportunity?
RYAN: Yeah he relished that, when he found out that they were both going to be in the same room, he started drinking three days before the event
RYAN: So he was gonna have his moment, there would be no holding back
JOWETT: Ahh what happened?
RYAN: He got interviewed at the beginning of the night and he said to this reporter “When are The Kooks on?” She said something like “at about 10 o’clock” and he just stared down the lens of the TV camera and said “Well, at that point i’ll be having a sh*t”. That was the last we saw of him, he passed out on a table
JOWETT: Well, good stuff. Erm I want to talk about this story that your roadie was telling you earlier, I think Joel would like it
RYAN: Well, right one of our roadie’s is weird
RYAN: Well they are all weird, but one in particular, needs help
MIKE: He is just weird, man. Honestly get him on these interviews and you will see why. I can’t talk to him for more than a few minutes without cracking up, he comes out with some stuff
RYAN: I don’t think we can have him on these interviews because he has some strange views on things
JOWETT: I see, well, what’s his name?
RYAN: Don’t give out his name, he’s dangerous
MIKE: (Laughter) He’s not, he’s just a bit odd. Erm we will refer to him as ‘Bean Bag’
JOWETT: (Laughing) Why?
MIKE: Because I told him once he looked like one, but with glasses and a curly wig placed on top of it
JOWETT: Bet he loved that
MIKE: Well that’s when I first met him, now, if i had known back then, what I know now, I wouldn’t have even talked to him
JOWETT: Aww that’s a bit harsh
MIKE: (To Ryan) Remember what happened to him after he had only been working for us for about a month?
RYAN: Yeah. Police came to one of our shows while the stage was being set up, and arrested him on charge of attempted rape
MIKE: Remember what he said when they told him he was being arrested for attempted rape?
RYAN: After the policeman said “I’m arresting you on suspicion of attempted rape” he said “Oh not again”
JOWETT: (Laughing) Oh my god
RYAN: Should probably point out that he was found innocent and they let him go
JOWETT: Well yeah, probably
RYAN: He means well and he’s a bloody good roadie…he’s just odd
JOWETT: Come on then, explain why, just give us one example
MIKE: Erm off the top of my head, he has that death book
MIKE: He has this book, which is from some Japanese comic, right, and he was explaining to Ryan how it works. He reckons, if you want someone to DIE you write their name in this book AND how you would like them to meet their maker, and then it will happen
JOWETT: Your not serious?
RYAN: Yeah, he is mate
JOWETT: has he tried to use it?
MIKE: Well, he told us he hadn’t disliked someone strongly enough to use it against them, because of its power
MIKE: BUT we know that’s a lie because we found it, had a look through it and in the middle page of the book was the name ‘Hallie Berry’
JOWETT: (Laughing) What!?
MIKE: Yeah. He hadn’t written down how he would like her to perish but you know, still. I mean I don’t know what she has done in paticular to piss him off
RYAN: (Put’s on creepy angry voice) “Catwoman shouldn’t be black! She’s ruined it forever!”
JOWETT: I see, he’s in to all that stuff then. Comic books, Japanese Cartoons…
JOWETT: Stop! stop! He’s into what?
MIKE: Yeah he has a collection of knives and he has some fascination with wolves, but that’s not really relevant
RYAN: Oh! We aren’t too sure where his sexuality lie’s because he has this list of people who are on tour with us that he would sleep with, in order, men and women
JOWETT: RIGHT! I’m not having this! I have been hanging out with you lot and been on tour with you for ages now and you have only just thought to bring this up? It’s Bollocks!
MIKE: Invite him in to the next interview mate and see for yourself! He’s not shy about talking about himself, just don’t patronise him, because then he knows your taking the piss and he clams up then
JOWETT: Hmm okay. I am going to have to see about this. Anyway tell this story that Joel wants to hear
RYAN: Oh yeah. There was this babysitter hired to look after a baby because it’s parents had gone out for the night. The baby is left upstairs and the sitter has a monitor she can hear the baby on if it cries. Anyway, she hears the baby crying so she goes up to see if it’s okay. She comforts the baby untill it goes back to sleep and then she goes back downstairs. After a few minutes the baby starts crying again, so she goes back up, comforts it to sleep and goes back down stairs. It happens a third time, so she goes upstairs and comforts the baby back to sleep again. Before she goes back down stairs she looks around the room to see what could be upsetting the baby. The only thing she could think of is a big clown doll that is sat upright on the other side of the room. So she calls up the baby’s mum and says “The baby keeps crying, I think it’s the clown doll she has at the bottom of the room, shall i move it?” and the mother says “What clown doll”
JOWETT: For the purpose of the tape, the reason we laughed then is because we all turned in unison to look at Joel, who had his mouth wide open in shock
RYAN: Anyway, it turns out that this ‘clown doll’ was a nut job paedophile that had broken in
JOWETT: I mean im guessing you assume this story isn’t true
RYAN: Obviously, it came from the mouth of a nut case so…
JOEL: Still scary though! Can you imagine finding that in your bedroom!?
JOWETT: (Laughs) Yeah, suppose. Anyway I think we better wrap this up! Next week we might introduce ‘Bean bag’
JOWETT: Until next time! Look at Joel walking off already! Got to be somewhere mate?
JOEL: Dying for the toilet!
JOWETT: Go on then!
(Sound of Joel leaving the room)
JOWETT: So who want’s to chip in for a big clown doll to put in his room?
Posts Tagged ‘celeb’
Tags: celeb, celeb gossip, Celebrities, Comedy, Entertainment, Humor, Interviews, music, News, Quotes, Ramblings, random, thoughts, Wonderboys
Tags: Bands, celeb, Comedy, fun, Humor, Interviews, life, music, News, Quotes, random, thoughts
JOWETT: First off. Mike, I heard a rumor that you have to be on your best behaviour. Is that true?
MIKE: Well, yeah. They read the last blog and think it’s too offensive and I’m putting my foot in it, too many times
JOWETT: They have got a point though, haven’t they?
MIKE: Well they hadn’t really looked at the blog before, untill YOU
Jowett starts laughing
MIKE: Showed them an old post where, apparently, I was making racist comments about China
JOWETT: (Laughing) Yeah. I think it was the one headed ‘It started so well‘
MIKE: Yeah. They said it was unacceptable
JOWETT: Right. Well you made some comment about chinese money or something like that. We won’t get in to it because you are already in trouble
MIKE: Well it is
JOWETT: Don’t! Seriously
MIKE: Look at you! (Mocking voice) Worried about what the management are going to say if I talk about China!
JOWETT: I’m not! It’s not as if im pandering to them…
MIKE: It’s not as if your panda….what? sorry what?
JOWETT: (Laughing) Seriously now. I’m going to move on, we can’t talk about it
MIKE: Well you are! Just trying to keep management happy, up there arse. ‘PANDA’ ering to them
JOWETT: Oh come on!
MIKE: Talk about something else then for fu*k’s sake
JOWETT: Okay. I also heard, you are not allowed to slag off any celebrities?
JOWETT: So! A new game is in order! Called ‘What does Mike think about these celebrities!’
MIKE: Ohhh you are joking? This isn’t fair
JOWETT: I know. First off, we will make it easy. What do you think of ‘Take That’?
MIKE: Yeah, outstanding
JOWETT: Erm Justin Bieber?
JOWETT: (Laughing) Yeah yeah. Erm finally, Chris Martin
JOWETT: Yeah? Really?
JOWETT: He’s not a pretentious dick head then?
MIKE: (Laughing) No. You’re having a laugh aren’t ya!? That man IS. A. LEDGEND, Jowett
JOWETT: Good boy, thank’s for that Michael. Let’s move on! Erm I heard you were visited, in the studio, by a charity that supports ex youth offenders?
JOWETT: What’s that about?
RYAN: Well run workshops for kids that have committed crimes in the past or been inside youth offenders prisons etc
JOWETT: Oh right
MIKE: They bought three of the kids with them. They all looked shifty
MIKE: They just did. One of them had been stabbed before!
JOWETT: Christ! What had he been in trouble for?
MIKE: Well he said he hasn’t actually been arrested or anything. He said he just joined the workshops to prevent himself from a life of crime. But ya know..
MIKE: Well, why did he get stabbed? No smoke without fire
MIKE: I’m sure he said he was homeless? (Turns to Ryan) Is that right?
RYAN: I don’t know
MIKE: Why get involved with workshops if you are homeless?
JOWETT: Well, I see where you are coming from. Like, sort out living situations rather than start a workshop or something
MIKE: Well yeah, or turn to smack!
MIKE: What? Never did Joel any harm
JOWETT: Dear god. I think I will keep this post away from management
MIKE: Probably best
JOWETT: Ermm just trying to think what else I was going to ask you. Oh yeah, I saw a gig the other night and someone threw a bra on stage. Has anything like that happened to you?
RYAN: Mmm nah I don’t remember anything being thrown
JOEL: Which singer was it, that declared….
JOWETT: (laughing) Here we go
JOWETT: Nothing. Carry on
JOEL: Which singer was it, that declared his love for (Pause) I think it was Skittles. So at every gig, fans threw Skittles?
JOWETT: I don’t know
MIKE: Is that true?
MIKE: Well, if there are any ‘Coldplay’ fans following this. I happen to know that Chris Martin is a fan of…
I literally had to dive to turn the tape off as soon as he started this sentence. I knew where it was going and had the common sense to turn it off. I will leave it to your imagination what he said. It wasn’t skittles
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Tags: celeb, Comedy, fun, Humor, life, music, News, opinion, Quotes, religion
JOWETT: Everyone alright?
JOWETT: Then let’s get straight into it! There is a new leader of Al-Qaeda!
MIKE: Is there? who?
JOWETT: Ayman Al-Zawahri
MIKE: Well I didn’t vote for him
JOWETT: I don’t think it works like that, you just have to be….actually, im not getting into this
MIKE: I am. I reckon you just have to really want it and submit you’re CV
MIKE: CV’s full of terrorism (Puts on a borderline, racist voice) I see here, you blew up an eagle, nice!
MIKE: You brought it up!
JOWETT: I know, but…let’s just move on, shall we
MIKE: Go on then
JOWETT: Okay. Actually, I was wondering, say you got that job, you would have that for life, i mean you couldn’t possibly get sacked, could you?
RYAN: I don’t know mate. I mean once you have been named head of Al-Aaeda, you aren’t going to listen to anyone if you got sacked anyway
JOWETT: I suppose. I mean you could keep going in to…the office
JOWETT: I don’t know how it works, and someone would go “What are you doing here? We told you to clear your desk!”
MIKE: (Laughs) And he just shows him the palm of his hand “Whatever!, are you getting the tube anytime soon?” “why?” “Just wondering”
JOWETT: (Laughs) Ooooookay. I haven’t had to do this for a while, but I’m sorry to anyone offended, errrm, Joel! Save us mate
JOWETT: Just talk mate, just talk
JOEL: Well I wanted a pet to take on tour with us
Mike sighs loudly
JOWETT: What’s this?
JOEL: Over the weekend, we discussed the possibility of having a pet to take on tour
JOWETT: Right? Mike, im guessing, is not a fan of the idea
MIKE: Well it’s daft isn’t it! It would never work out the way he thinks it will, in his head
JOWETT: I have to say, Joel, I agree with Mike
RYAN: And me
JOEL: Why wouldn’t it?
JOWETT: Well, look at celebrity pets, they never last!
JOEL: Like who?
JOWETT: John travolta’s dogs were run over, George Clooney had that pig that died, Jessica Simpson’s dog died
JOEL: Jessica Simpson’s dog died?
MIKE: She used to sing didn’t she?
MIKE:….Was it suicide
RYAN: Mike Tyson had that Tiger
MIKE: Did that die?
RYAN: Well no, but it’s weird. People thought he had lost it. Mind you he had lost it before then. He even looks a bit weird
JOWETT: Right, careful. How does he look weird?
RYAN: Dunno, just like, pug-faced
Some nervous laughter
MIKE: Right! I may have said some mad things on this blog, but you just called Mike Tyson, PUG-FACED!
RYAN: It was a joke, obviously
JOWETT: I’m the one that has to write this up! Again, we are going to have to change the subject! Ermm I have a news story
MIKE: Go on
JOWETT: ‘Jewish court sentences dog to death by stoning ‘as it’s lawyer reincarnated’
JOWETT: “Paranoid judges at a strict Jewish court have sentenced a stray dog to death by stoning as they believe it is possessed with the spirit of an unruly ex-lawyer. The four-legged criminal came to the attention of the Monetary Affairs Court in the ultra-Orthodox Jewish neighbourhood of Mea Shearim in Jerusalem, when it wandered in off the street. After ‘terrorising’ judges and plaintiffs it then refused to leave the court – sparking a bizarre theory that it was the reincarnation of a lawyer who had insulted the court 20 years previously. During the lawyer’s tirade, the court became so enraged it cursed him so he would come back in another life as a dog. Canines are considered impure by traditional Judaism, but with the curse supposedly coming back to haunt the court the only punishment seen fit was for local children to stone the creature to death”
RYAN: That is ridiculous
MIKE: That is mental that there is a belief where that becomes normal
JOWETT: Well let’s not slag it off because I really will have to scrap this whole conversation
MIKE: I’m just saying, If they are interested in other people who have harmed them in the past and have been reincarnated, Chris Martin, looks a bit Nazi-ish. Blonde hair, blue eyes
JOWETT: Ohh for ffff
MIKE: The kids from ‘Glee’, im sure a saw an episode with goose stepping
JOWETT: That’s all we have time for in this post
MIKE: ‘The Wanted’ are practically the SS
Again, I’m sorry to anyone that was offended. Keep following on Twitter at twitter.com/jowettbandwagon
Tags: blog, celeb, Comedy, fun, Humor, music, News, Ramblings, twitter
JOEL: You know when you see a two animals having sex? How do you know if it’s consensual?
JOEL: Also, if it isn’t consensual, with which species, does it not matter? Like If a spider got raped, no one would care. Or a beetle. I think if a beetle was raped, no one would care
MIKE: I think Paul McCartney would care
Just another example of some of the shit I have to listen to that spurred me on to make this blog. More of this is posted on our twitter account, Follow http://twitter.com/#!/jowettbandwagon
Tags: celeb, Comedy, Humor, Interviews, music, News
JOWETT: Back again with Ryan, Mike and Joel
JOWETT: Before we start a proper conversation. Joel, we found a Facebook page for your Highschool year, didn’t we
JOWETT: Have you looked at it since we found it?
JOWETT: Okay, I’m going to say some names and tell me if you recognise them, okay?
JOWETT: I’m just going to click on a few people’s profiles. Errrm Matthew Kelly?
JOEL: Mmmm No
JOWETT: Err Tim Jackson?
JOWETT: Danielle Robinson?
JOWETT: Did you go to school?
JOEL: Yeah I just don’t remember those people
JOWETT: Joe Barnett?
JOWETT: Yeah? Are you just saying that? Let’s have a look at him
JOEL: Nah I remember him! He use to sneak alcohol into school!
JOWETT: Oh right (Pause) Do you think his wife Beth and two-year old son Charlie know about his drinking problem?
JOEL: (Laughing) Don’t, stop it now
JOWETT: Okay we will leave that. (Laughs) Aw look at Joel’s face, it’s okay mate, he wont be reading this
MIKE: It’s your own fault, Joel, for saying that out loud
RYAN: I have told him before, that he needs to think about stuff before he says or does anything
JOWETT: Like what? When has that been a problem?
RYAN: It’s not really been a problem, he just comes across a bit stupid sometimes
JOWETT: Like when?
RYAN: Ermm well once, when we were driving through Manchester, Joel looks out the tour bus window and goes “Fu*kin hell! There are shanty towns in Manchester!” I had a look and they were just allotments
MIKE: Yeah once he was reading the newspaper and shouted over to me “Mike, have you seen this headline!? ‘Man arrested for heckling tiger’! How mad is that?” So I said “Are you sure that’s the full story mate?” and he goes “Yeah…..Oh wait, nah there is a picture of Tiger Woods here, never mind”
JOWETT: They make a good point, Joel
JOEL: Mmm well i just don’t have common sense, that’s all. I beat everyone at monopoly the other day!
RYAN: (Laughing) That’s true actually
JOWETT: Well for starters, why wasn’t I invited to play?
RYAN: Don’t know, you weren’t around
JOWETT: Okay. Why did you decide to play monopoly? Not very Rock ‘n’ Roll is it?
RYAN: It chill’s us out
JOWETT: Even Mike?
MIKE: Yeah I played
JOWETT: Christ. You play a lot of board games then?
RYAN: Yeah, we need some different ones actually. I’m getting bored with Monopoly
MIKE: Yeah, I saw a load in a shop the other day. Did you know you can get board games of TV shows?
JOWETT: Yeah I saw one for ‘Friends’ once
MIKE: That’s just weird. They will have them for specific celebrities next. You are the lead singer of Coldplay, go back six spaces for being a smug cu*t
MIKE: You are Michael Jackson
MIKE: You pushed the boundaries of babysitting again, pay off his mum or go back five spaces
JOWETT: (Laughing) Okay. Right, he didn’t mean that. Let’s quickly brush over that. What’s your problem with Chris Martin?
MIKE: I just don’t like him or his music
RYAN: Mike lost out the Chris Martin in some poll that the NME was running and he didn’t like it
MIKE: What!? Shut up
RYAN: So in a new low for professionalism, Mike, keyed his car
MIKE: (Laughing) That’s not true. He did cut me up once, when I was driving out of the BBC
RYAN: Whatever. I’ve seen your driving, it was probably your fault. He never checks his mirrors
MIKE: Tut I never check my mirrors? You don’t know where im looking
RYAN: (Laughing) Is that what you said to your driving instructor after he failed you
JOWETT: Wow, you really don’t like good old Chris Martin then do ya?
MIKE: No, I don’t like him but i wouldn’t say anything about him on this
JOWETT: But say you met him face to face, what would you say?
MIKE: I would say you’re a pri*k
MIKE: You’re a complete tw*t
MIKE: You’re a fu*king talentless…
JOWETT: OKAY! it’s probably best that we end that there. Until next time!
If you have any questions for the lads, send them in!
Tags: celeb, Comedy, film review, Humor, music, News, Reviews
Back again. I dont know why I write this little bit at the beginning anymore, you know the deal….
JOWETT: Hello! Back again for a new interview with Ryan, Mike and Joel
JOWETT: Joel is becoming a bit of a permanent fixture on these posts isn’t he?
RYAN: He is yeah
JOWETT: Do you enjoy doing these, Joel?
JOWETT: Good. I had noticed you don’t say much while you are actually on tape though
JOEL: Yeah well
JOWETT: So to get you more involved I have asked you to do something haven’t I?
JOWETT: Go on, explain
JOEL: You have told me to do a film review of any film that I wanted
JOWETT: Yep. And what film did you choose?
JOEL: ‘The Ring’
JOWETT: Ignore them, Joel, I don’t know why they are laughing
MIKE: It’s not exactly a recent film is it? People usually review recent films that other people haven’t seen
JOEL: I hadn’t seen it, I only watched it the other day
MIKE: That’s not my point….
JOWETT: Leave it. Go on Joel why did you review it?
JOEL: Well, I hadn’t seen it before and I heard it was good
JOWETT: Fair enough. Take it away…
JOEL: Okay. Erm The Ring. It starts off with these two girls talking about a cursed video tape at a sleepover
JOWETT: I’m gonna stop you there Joel, You are probably better off summarising it than actually going through the whole script, it’s a long film
JOEL: Okay. There is this video tape that is cursed and is killing anyone who watches it, right?
JOEL: Whenever someone watches it, they get a phone call straight after telling them that they are going to die in seven days. Then after seven days a girl climbs through the TV and kills you
JOEL: So the film follows a reporter that is trying to find out information about the film and her son accidentally watches it and so she tries to save him
JOEL: Well that’s it really
JOWETT: (Sarcastically) Brilliant
JOWETT: That’s it is it? You haven’t told us what you think of it or anything!
JOEL: Well it went on a bit and it wasn’t very realistic
JOWETT: (Sarcastically) REALLY!? a film about a girl that comes through the TV and kills you, seven days after watching a video! That’s not realistic enough for you?
JOEL: Well obviously, but I noticed some flaws in the plot
JOWETT: Go on…
JOEL: Even if i had watched that tape, i reckon I could have avoided dying
JOEL: Well you have seven days to come up with a plan on how to avoid getting caught. That’s plenty of time to come up with a plan of action!
JOWETT: So you would have brain stormed it would ya?
JOEL: Yeah. I came up with a few ideas actually
JOWETT: Oh god, this should be good, Go on….
JOEL: Firstly, you could just get rid of your TV
Laughter from all over the room
JOWETT: (Laughing) OF COURSE!
JOEL: Secondly, if you don’t want to get rid of your TV because it was expensive or something, on the seventh day, just turn the TV on its front and sit on it
Laughter again from all over. This went on for quite a while
JOWETT: I’m dying here Joel, I can’t breathe mate
JOEL: The last one I thought of was, on the seventh day, tell all of you’re mates to tool up, get them all round your house, sit in front of the TV, and wait for her..
JOWETT: (While laughing) Genius, he’s a fu*king genius!
Laughter again for a bit
JOWETT: Oh christ. Well! Thank you Joel!
MIKE: That was quite good
RYAN: It was
JOWETT: You should speak more often, honestly
JOWETT: What else can you do?
JOEL: I can do impressions
JOWETT: Right. That’s not going to work on a written format….but i kinda want to hear them anyway. Do one quickly
JOEL: (Weird high-pitched voice) Hello everyone
JOWETT: James Blunt?
JOEL: Close, Kermit the frog
JOWETT: How is that close?
JOEL: Same voice pitch frequency
JOWETT: But one is made out of felt!
RYAN: Who else can you do?
JOEL: Erm (Same weird high-pitched voice) This post is sponsored by the letter A
JOWETT: Right, James blunt was never on Sesame Street
JOEL: It was elmo!
JOWETT: Can you do any celebrities that aren’t made out of fury material?
JOEL: Err depends, what was Gonzo?
JOWETT: A muppet
JOEL: Then no
JOWETT: Right I think it’s time we ended this. Thank’s for reading! Until next time! Goodbye
A little more lighthearted and less liable this week! I realised most of it was just just four idiots giggling and am awaiting a cease and desist email from the creator of the Teletubbies. Keep spreading the word!