Archive for the ‘Jowett’s Posts’ Category

Hello!

After the success of the last ‘Jowett’s post’ I have decided to do more of them. This on will be focusing on life after the cameras stopped rolling on some of the worlds most popular films. What happened next to in the world of these amazing characters? Well, I’ll tell you….

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

The Story

Well you know the story. An eccentric man, Willy Wonker, that owns a spectacular, world renowned chocolate factory and let’s a select group of people inside to take a tour. By the end of the tour, the group has been whittled down to just one 10 year old boy named Charlie and his grandfather. As he was the last child standing he was given the opportunity to help run the chocolate factory along side Mr Wonker, he accepted and they lived happily ever after…

What Happened Next?

Well it turned out Mr Wonker wasn’t a well man. His decision to let a group of random children enter his top secret factory was fulled by a heavy dose of prescription drugs. The period was known by insiders as ‘Will’s mad month’ where he would make knee jerk decisions like sacking an Oompa-Loompa for looking at him “The wrong way”. Anyway, after he made the offer to Charlie, his medication fulled rampage wore off a day later. He couldn’t remember a thing, feared the worst and set up a meeting with his lawyers

WILLY WONKER: I’m sacred I might have done something bad again

LAWYER: I’m afraid you have Mr Wonker

WILLY WONKER: Go on, give it to me straight……

LAWYER: Well would you like the good news or the bad news?

WILLY WONKER: Bad news…..

LAWYER: You have signed over half your equity to a 10 year old boy..

WILLY WONKER: Oh your joking?

LAWYER: The good news is he will be half culpable for the deaths of the 4 children that took place whilst on the factory property

WILLY WONKER:……Shithouse

Lord of the Rings: The Return of the king

The Story

The ring has been destroyed, order has been restored and the crusaders have been celebrated for their efforts

What Happened Next?

After A weeks worth of long drunken parties that go into the early hours of the morning with the rest of the crusaders, Merry and Pippin get back to the shire. Shortly after Merry get’s a visit from the police. An female elf has filed a complaint of sexual assault against Merry. Merry obviously denied the accusations but the Police have  to come and question both Merry and Pippin on their whereabouts on the nights of the assault. After giving statements, it was apparent that both Merry and Pippin where in the same place as the Elf. After going over their recollection of the night, Merry started to become worne down and aggitated…

OFIFICER: Once more, I want to hear what happened again at the post ring destruction party

MERRY: (Desperate) I’ve already told you what happened!

OFFICER: I want to hear it again. And see if it matches my notes

MERRY: I spent most of the night just in the corner of the room, I’ve told you!

OFFICER: Well what were you doing in the corner at 1.30am?

MERRY: I dunno, just demolishing another thirst quencher, probably

PIPPIN: ‘Thirst Quencher’ is Merry’s slang for Elf (Laughs)

Merry and Pippin share a laugh followed by an awkward pause

MERRY: He’s joking….

OFFICER: Merry Brandybuck, I’m arresting you on suspicion…….

Pippin was cleared on all counts of sexual assault and it was put to bed. Shortly after Frodo returned he realised the last time he saw his wallet was in Mordor. His reaction could be heard across The Shire

Rise of the planet of the apes

The Story

Dr William Rodman has accidentally created a virus that enhances intelligence in apes. This had led them to break out of captivity and rampage across the world

What Happened next?

After secretly being smug at his backfiring virus, he seeks legal advice on his involvement in the end of mankind….

LAWYER: How can I help you Mr Rodman?

WILL RODMAN: Errr I may have done something bad. And It could get worse

LAWYER: Okay, what have you done?

WILL RODMAN: Well, you see that Gorilla out there, smashing up that Mazda?

LAWYER: …..Woah

WILL RODMAN: Yeah. I did that

LAWYER: I see

WILL RODMAN: I’m in trouble, aren’t I?

LAWYER: Erm

A human corpse comes through the window

LAWYER: Yeah

It didn’t make any difference, mankind was doomed. Will Rodman now lives in New York, in a stolen fancy dress, gorilla outfit.

Howdy! Normally I would post a conversation with the lads in the band, but due to a mental work schedule, I have been left without one this week. So I thought about what I could do in place of a conversations of cat’s, puppets and other stuff that will inevitably get us sued. I consulted the band and they reckon I should write my own post. I wasn’t too keen on the idea but when Mike, in a brilliant bit of reverse psychology, said “There’s not much point in doing one without us, it wont get much attention” I decided to do one anyway.

In keeping with the theme of destroying the memories of childhood hero’s for many people I decided to take a look at Cartoon’s of the 90′s. I know, this has probably been done to death, but I am going to put a slight slant on the idea. I am going to look at what these cartoons really meant

So I’m going to jump straight in to it

POKEMON

I really got in to Pokemon, it was great. But, like many of these cartoons, until you step back at a later age and think about what it really was, you wont realise its a bit wrong. Here is a summary of what I see now when I think of Pokemon

It’s about a world in which people capture animals and make them fight other animals for badges’

Which, if I’m not mistaken, with or without the badge reward system, is illegal. If I wandered around my local park with a chimp under my arm that was armed with a knife, and offered to battle it against some random bloke walking his pit bull, I would be arrested. Cock fighting is illegal as well as many other types animal fighting, so why is Pokemon alright? They never go in to the darker side of the Pokemon world where medicine is being tested on them and different shades of eye shadow “Oh look! the shampoo has gone into Pikachu’s eyes, he doesn’t seem to like it. NEXT BOTTLE!”

JOHNNY BRAVO

Now, it doesn’t take a lot of effort to realise why this was a bit dodgy, but I will sum it up anyway

It’s about a sex addict, that sounded like Elvis, best friend was a little girl and spends every day hassling and perving on women

When you are 11 years old, you don’t think about why this concept is definitely too mature for us. You just think “I’m a bit bored of him failing to chat up women and dedicating the gym to only the upper half of his body”. And what was the deal with his relationship with that little girl? She was always around! But to be fair, he did seem to not like that girl when she was around. An aspect that was carefully looked at by the writers when considering a relationship between a pervert and a little girl

    SCOOBY-DOO

Apart from the obvious drug references I wanted to point out something else. They made this cartoon so Scooby-doo could talk…sort of. You just take it for granted that ‘because he’s a dog, that’s the best he is going to be able to talk’. Until they introduced ‘Scrappy-doo’ who could talk with PERFECT DICTION!

This just made me think “Well…..what’s wrong with his uncle? Was it the drugs? Was it a stroke?”

So basically, Scooby-doo was

A dog with a speech impediment”

Scooby was subsequently taken off these kids by the authorities. Turns out Fred used to kick him

It was the last straw after several counts of wasting police time for emergency calls about ghosts

                                                                                                                             COW AND CHICKEN

This one was a one-off. It was the only cartoon I watched as a 12-year-old and thought “…………This aint right”

A cow and a chicken, brother and sister. I remember it even baffled and confused my dad so much he told me not to watch it again…..

 

      FREAKAZOID

Literally

A bloke with ADHD

Not so much a super hero, more as a bit of a tool with attention deficit disorder. No one ever said  “Well clearly, this lad is ill” “No he’s not! He’s a bit of a character!”

It wasn’t classed as that when I was in school, he would have had to have taken medication

                                               

     

                                                                                                                                                    DEXTER’S LAB 

Dexter’s Lab was a good cartoon, but like the others, had deeper theme’s. This cartoon was basically

“A bit of a loner, has no friends and spends all his time in his room”

They cut off this cartoon before it got to the episode where he walks in to his school with a gun and shoots everybody before turning the gun on himself

His sister went on to give talks on bullying

That’s all the one’s I could think of. If you can think of others, don’t hesitate to join in!

If you miss the band’s ramblings then you can catch an interview we did earlier in the week with H. E. ELLIS here

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CHEERS!