A documentary crew follow Micky, a unemployed man living in Derry. It’s Christmas time in Micky’s flat
A documentary crew follow Micky, a unemployed man living in Derry. It’s Christmas time in Micky’s flat
A documentary crew follow the life of Micky, an unemployed man living in Derry. We meet Micky’s friend David and find out a bit more about Micky’s life
A documentary crew follow Micky, a unemployed man living in Derry, Northern Ireland. He is one of thousands of people that is living with unemployment, but also has another challenge to overcome….
6pm UK time, ‘Micky’ Epsiode one will be available from the EPR YouTube channel from the link below
RYAN: What’s this for again?
JOWETT: Just a catch up
MIKE: Why does it need to be recorded?
JOWETT: I was going to put it on the blog. I’ve researched stuff to talk about
MIKE: Can we just have a normal chat without it being recorded? We have been getting on well lately. This is going to ruin it
JOWETT: (Tut’s) These conversations have never made you fall out!
RYAN: They have actually
RYAN: Apparently I said something about Mike that upset him. A few days later we were in the studio and Mike had to take me to one side and warn me about it
JOWETT: (Laughs) He took you to one side?
MIKE: YES! There was no one else in the room, that’s how upset I was about it!
JOWETT: Okay I will try and set any of you up for ridicule. On a different matter, I have done some research on Mike’s family tree
MIKE: Well you have obviously done this to make a fool out of me and my past
JOWETT: I promise you, I haven’t
MIKE: What have you found then?
JOWETT: You never told us your grandfather used to be a hairdresser?
MIKE: Yeah it’s true, so what? Nothing wrong with that
JOWETT: Nope. And your great uncle was a dancer?
MIKE: Err yeah, that’s true
JOWETT: Your great grandfather…..was a florist
MIKE: Tell him, Jowett! My family was hard!
JOWETT: (Laughing) Stop it, Ryan
RYAN: Oh come on! Your family tree is full of effeminate jobs!
MIKE: It’s not!
RYAN: Is George Michael your dad?
MIKE: RIGHT! Jowett, keep going until you find something good
JOWETT: Your great grandfather was a deserter in the war
MIKE: I said good, Jowett!
JOWETT: Your Great great Aunt was married to a miner
MIKE: HA! GUTTED! My family isn’t full of girly men, because you have to be tough to be a miner
JOWETT: Sorry, I meant to say your great aunt was married to a minor. The boy was 12 when they started their relationship
MIKE: I don’t want to know anymore
JOWETT: Luckily, neither do I
MIKE: I don’t understand it. This is why my ancestry was kept from me. I was hoping these was at least some sort of hardcore army officer!
RYAN: It comes to something when your hoping one of your ancestors was a Nazi so your not a laughing stock
JOWETT: SO WHATS NEW?
JOEL: I have a new pet
JOWETT: I heard! Is this because of the advance you all got?
JOWETT: What is it?
JOWETT: Really? How much?
JOEL: 300 quid
JOWETT: That’s not that bad. What’s it’s name?
JOEL: Chris Brown
JOWETT:…….Your snake is called Chris Brown?
JOEL: Dunno. The place I bought it from named it that
JOWETT: And you didn’t think to ask why?
JOEL: They said they would give it to me for 300 if I didn’t ask
JOWETT:………..Okay, probably best
MIKE: I bet I can hazard a guess why it’s called that
JOWETT: Mmm I don’t think you can (Taps the tape recorder)
MIKE: (Tut’s) Fine. But the money he has spent on treatment for Chris Brown, is ridiculous
MIKE: He took it to a posh vet’s and they must of seen Joel coming a mile off (Mocking voice) “I’m afraid Chris Brown has got Alzheimer’s”
MIKE: So he forked out for treatment, like an idiot
JOWETT: I see. Why didn’t you take it to a normal vet?
JOEL: Because my closest vet has a reputation for touching animals inappropriatly
JOWETT: That’s not true!
JOEL: It is
JOWETT: What vet is this?
JOEL: ********* Vet’s
JOWETT: Now you have just said their name on tape
JOEL: Well it’s true!
JOWETT: It’s not, Joel
JOEL: ……..It’s true I heard it
JOWETT: Mmm well, see you in court mate!
JOWETT: So all this has cost you a lot of money then?
MIKE: And trying to find female mice in bulk for Chris Brown is expensive, ay Joel
JOWETT: OH COME ON!
RYAN: What are we waiting for?
JOWETT: Mike. He’s on the phone
RYAN: Just start without him
JOWETT: Nah I’m going to wait until he decides to not to be a pain
MIKE: Hang on a second phil. You will be waiting a while, Jowett. Sorry Phil, carry on
RYAN: Come on, Jowett, start without him
JOWETT: No! Why are you talking to Phil?
MIKE: (Put’s hand over the phone) He is sorting stuff out for me
MIKE: He’s looking at work that needs to be done to my new house
JOWETT: This can wait until after, surely? This is rude
MIKE:It won’t take long
JOWETT: Put him on loud-speaker, might as well involve him
MIKE: Okay. You are on loud-speaker, Phil
JOWETT: Hi Phil
JOWETT: How’s thi..
MIKE: Bit rude Jowett. I was in the middle of something…
JOWETT: There are no words to…
MIKE: Phil, what did you ask before?
PHIL: Do you want me to add a cat flap?
MIKE: Because I don’t have a cat
PHIL: Do you have a dog?
PHIL: Do you want…
MIKE: No I don’t want a dog flap
MIKE: I don’t think they exist for a start
PHIL: They do, I have one
PHIL: Yeah, actually had it put in last week. The dog just runs in and out of it all day
MIKE: What dog do you have?
PHIL: Great Dane
JOWETT: A Great Dane? That must be a big flap. Are you not worried someone will climb in and rob your house?
PHIL:…Shi (Hangs up)
MIKE: Phil?…Phil?..He’s gone. Go o then Jowett, you have my undivided attention
JOWETT: Good. I want to talk to you all about the interview you gave, last week, for a magazine. More importantly when asked about the Pussy Cat dolls comeback
MIKE: What about it?
JOWETT: Well for a start, it’s never going to be published
JOWETT: Because we asked them not to
MIKE: I cancelled stuff to be at that interview! What was wrong with it?
JOWETT: Well let’s see. When asked if you knew anything about the new Pussy Cat Dolls you said yes. Why?
MIKE: I can’t remember
JOWETT: Let’s jog your memory. When asked “Do you know any information about the new Pussy Cat doll group” Mike said “I know that there is now enough of them to set up a charity for rejected members”
MIKE: (Laughs) Yeah. I did say that
JOWETT: Which leads me to their next question “Have you ever met any of the Pussy Cat Dolls?” To which Joel replied “Yeah I met one of the old ones. She seemed very bitter and almost threatening. I was scared of her. But I know her quite well now and she’s alright” Joel, you have never met any member of the Pussy Cat dolls
JOEL: I have!
JOWETT: No mate, you haven’t. Then as the reporter obviously got excited at getting some inside information on them, she asked you for some facts about them that fans might not know
JOWETT: Joel replied “They are more scared of you, than you are of them” No Joel, that’s a fact about spiders
JOEL: ….Still applies to them
JOWETT: You clearly didn’t think to stop either when she said “Anything else?” and you said “They will come into your house seeking warmth in the winter” That’s STILL spiders
MIKE: Is there a conclusion to this lecture?
JOWETT: Don’t give interviews on info about other pop stars ever again, okay?
MIKE: Christ, fine!
MIKE:You haven’t said anything about my new iPhone…
MIKE: It’s brilliant, thanks for asking. Does literally anything and everything
JOWETT: Brilliant, let’s move…
RYAN: Can you find out what the weather is going to be like tomorrow?
MIKE: Psh! what planet?
MIKE: Raining, all day
JOWETT: I don’t think that…
JOEL: Can it tell me what Goofy is?
MIKE: There is an app for that!
RYAN: Can it weedle out which members of the private security industry are actually closet homosexuals
MIKE: There’s an app for..
JOWETT: There is NOT and app for…
Mike shows Jowett his screen
MIKE: I downloaded a ‘Race Card’ app the other day
JOWETT: What’s the point in that? You can’t use it
JOEL: What’s a ‘Race Card’
JOWETT:…… Untill next time, it’s goodby
MIKE: Woah woah hang on. Are you not going to answer him?
JOWETT: NO, no I’m not and neither are..
MIKE: The ‘Race Card’ is a..
JOWETT: Don’t do this, come on
JOEL: I think I know what it is anyway
MIKE: Go on..
JOWETT: Okay but be careful
JOEL: If, say, a black person believes he or she is being taken advantage of because of their race..
JOEL: They can then use the ‘Race Card’…
JOEL: And say “I challenge you to a race because I know I will win, because I’m black”…That’s right, isn’t it?
JOWETT: We are back! We have been gone a while…
RYAN: How long?
JOWETT: Christmas was the last one
JOWETT: I know! We have been really busy though!
JOWETT: Mike isn’t here at the moment, but he is on his way back from a party. So because he’s not here, in the interest of fairness, we can say what we like about him!
RYAN: I wouldn’t. He’s angrier now he’s sober. He got a brand new hairdresser sacked last month before he had even touched a hair on his head
RYAN: Because Mike sat in front of the mirror ready to get a trim and the hairdresser put his hand on his shoulders, looked at him through the mirror and said “Isn’t hair weird!”
RYAN: He had to go after that. Mike couldn’t trust him
JOWETT: Yeah. I must point out to the readers that Mike has given up alcohol
RYAN: For lent
JOWETT: Psh come on. He’s been told he has to by..
RYAN: Don’t. We have to say that. He get’s angry if you suggest he has to give it up for health reasons
RYAN: He doesn’t like the idea of being ‘past it’
JOWETT: (Tut’s) Okay. He’s given it up for Dr Lent
JOWETT: I’ve compromised. You alright Joel?
JOWETT: How was your Christmas?
JOWETT: Good presents?
JOWETT: What did I get you?
JOEL: A new hand puppet
JOWETT: Yep. You like like it?
JOEL: Love it! I take it around with me. Got it here
(Joel goes into his bag and put’s on a sock puppet)
JOWETT: Aww….bit weird but hey. Don’t give this one to Mike
JOEL: I won’t
JOWETT: Mike did stuff to your last oine didn’t he?
Joel nod’s solomnly
JOWETT: Had to burn it. Anyway!…
RYAN: Before you start a new conversation, have you moved that bottle of Captin Morgans from studio desk?
JOWETT: No. Why?
RYAN: I have been looking for it for ages. Was gonna have a glass to loosen me up for this
JOWETT: Sorry mate. When did you last see it?
RYAN: Hours ago. I was with Mike and….ah
RYAN: He’s had it hasn’t he?
JOWETT: Nah he promised he was off it, didn’t he?
RYAN: Yeah but he was moaning he couldn’t drink at this party. He’s had it
JOWETT: Now come on, mate. It could be anywhere!
Mike crashes through the doors on a pogo stick
JOWETT: (To Ryan) Yeah, okay, It’s in Mike
MIKE: What’s (Pause while he looks around the room) This?
JOWETT: Has someone broken their promise?
MIKE: You what?
JOWETT: You’re drunk, mate
MIKE: Yeah a bit
RYAN: I can smell the booze on you from here. Go have a wash and sober up
MIKE: F*ck you. You know car washes?
MIKE: You know car washes?
MIKE: Mental……aren’t they?
Mike get’s up off the ground, staggers about and sit’s next to Joel
MIKE: I can’t even see properly. The first time I met Joel, he told me he had never been in a car wash
JOWETT: What? Even as a kid?
JOEL: No never
MIKE: So I took him! Paid for it too
MIKE: You didn’t know WHAT was going on did ya?
JOEL: Mmm no
MIKE: He really had to trust me, because I suppose the first time is a bit unsettling
JOWETT: I suppose so, for children maybe
MIKE: I thought he was gonna try to get out half way through. “BAIL! BAIL!”
MIKE: But he didn’t. (Looks at the sock puppet) Who’s your mate?
JOWETT: (Warning tone) No Mike!
MIKE: Can I look at him?
JOEL: Yeah oka…
JOEL: Oh, no sorry
MIKE: (Tut’s) I’m never allowed anything! Apparently I can’t use the water thing down stairs anymore, either
JOWETT: Water thing? The water cooler? You lost your right to the water cooler?
MIKE: It’s not a right, It’s a PRIVILEDGE!…or so reception tells me
JOWETT: The party was good then?
MIKE: Yeah. Had to leave early though
RYAN: You did something wrong then?
JOWETT: Mmm ‘out the front early’ or ‘out the back early’?
MIKE: ‘Out the front early’
JOWETT: (To Ryan) Mmm couldn’t have been that bad then
MIKE: I was suggested to leave because I offended someone…apparently
MIKE: This indian bloke. He is a record executive or something
JOWETT: Offended him?
JOWETT: Is it a coincidence that he’s foreign? Or is this story based on it
MIKE: That’s for you to decide
JOWETT: Go on….
MIKE: He just comes up to me out of no where and asked if we would perform at his daughters 18th birthday party next month..
JOWETT: And you said….
MIKE: (Indian accent) “Not on your nelly!”
JOWETT: You said that?
MIKE: Yeah. What’s wrong with that?
JOWETT: Obviously, the accent
JOWETT: Who’s party was it?
MIKE: Err not sure. It had an Indian theme though (Laughs)
MIKE: Do one Jowett!.You do my fu*king head in. I don’t know why I bothered coming here. (Point’s at Jowett) You’re a dick head (Points at Ryan) You’re a dick head (Points at the puppet on Joel’s hand) I don’t even know you, but (Points at Joel) your mate is a dick head
JOWETT: Time to wrap this up
JOWETT: It’s been great doing this again
JOWETT: We aren’t certain how often we can do these interviews so we might do special one’s now and again. So watch this space!
MIKE: Jowett? Jowett?
JOWETT: This better be good..
MIKE: When I do this.(Mike pulls a stupid face) It hurts….
JOWETT: …Don’t do it then
JOWETT: Goodbye! Where the fu*ck did you get a pogo stick from at 11 o’clock at night?
JOWETT: Hello! Welcome to the I’m On The Band Wagon Christmas post. I’m here with, Joel, Mike and Ryan
JOWETT: And as it’s a special post we have another guest with us. An old favourite. BEAN BAG!
BEAN BAG: Hello
JOWETT: Back again!
BEAN BAG: I am
JOWETT: Right then. Let’s get straight into it! Oh last week, Joel said he was gonna have a go of black magic. How did that go?
MIKE: You had a go, didn’t you?
JOEL: Yeah, nothing seemed to happen. I tried to curse Kelly Clarkson by drawing her face on a potato
JOWETT: You drew Kelly Clarkson’s face on a potato? How? And Why?
JOEL: I saw her on one of the music channels and thought “She has put on weight’
JOWETT: So naturally you thought “I’ll kill her”
JOEL: Not kill her, just see if I could influence her life a bit
JOWETT: Right, what did this face look like?
JOEL: Just did it with a black marker pen. I just did two slanted lines for eyes because you can’t really see them anymore
RYAN: This is a bit harsh
JOEL: I did the magic on it and then threw it out of the car window when we were moving
JOWETT: And got no results?
JOEL: Not that I know of
JOWETT: So you drew a oriental looking face on a potato and threw it out the window of a moving car?
JOWETT: You know Kim Jong-il has died, don’t you?
MIKE: Fell out of a moving car
Joel’s mouth drops
JOWETT: Anyway, I saw something trendng on Twitter that I would like to ask one of you. Joel! When did you stop believing in Santa?
JOEL: Errm I think when one Christmas morning, my dad threw up carrott
JOEL: He forgot to dispose of it before he went to bed and tried to scoff it down before we noticed
JOWETT: Genius. Anyway, Is everyone ready for Christmas?
MIKE: Ryan was ready for Christmas fu*kin ages ago!
RYAN: Just like to get it out of the way
MIKE: He gave me my present like three weeks ago
JOWETT: Impressive. Have you opened it?
JOWETT: What was it?
MIKE: (Tut’s) Rod Stuart’s greatest hits
JOWETT: What’s wrong with that?
MIKE: I thought it was a joke. I have seen the advert for this album on TV. The voiceover says “It’s all the Rod Stuart you will ever need!”
JOWETT: (Laughs) Yeah?
MIKE: I’ve already got all the Rod Stuart I will ever need. No punch line needed
JOWETT: Alright, fair enough. How have you been getting into the Christmas mood? Have any of you been sent to turn on Christmas lights in a city centre?
RYAN: No, but, we have decided if we get any offers we will send Bean Bag
MIKE: Because we want to see the disappointed look on his face when he stands in front of hundreds of people, presses a button and nothing blows up
JOWETT: Alright. Joel, do you have a Christmas story to tell us?
JOWETT: Well….I’m expecting to hear it at some point
JOEL: Oh. When I was little, In the days when I believed in santa, I got up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet. Just before I was about to cross the stairs to go back to my room I thought I heard santa coming up the stairs. So I was trapped. I couldn’t cross the stairs because santa would have seen I was awake and not leave me any presents.
JOEL: So I had to come up with a plan, quickly. I thought ‘If I blind side him as he reaches the top of the stairs and knock him back down the stairs, then he won’t know who did it, I can jump back in bed and he won’t be able to work out who did it’
JOWETT: ……Right. How did that work out for you?
JOEL: My dad now walks with a limp
JOWETT: Bean Bag, you got a Christmas story?
BEAN BAG: Yeah I have a Christmas story
JOWETT: Is it a nice story? It’s not weird is it?
BEAN BAG: No
MIKE: I’m going to beg to differ
MIKE: Yeah. In fact I will bet my place on these interviews that this story will be weird
JOWETT: Oooh Bean Bag! If this story is successfully ‘Not Weird’ then you will get your place back!
BEAN BAG: Right, do you want to leave now, Mike?
JOWETT: (Laughing) Oooh he’s confident!
MIKE: Just tell the story
BEAN BAG: A couple of years ago, I got a Spiderman video game for my Playstation as a Christmas present
JOWETT: So far so good!
BEAN BAG: I really got into the game and completed it in a few days
JOWETT: Mike, mate, not looking good for you!
BEAN BAG: But It sort of brain washed me and I tried to jump down a flight of stairs in my house and broke my leg
Mike get’s up and bows
JOWETT: Well done, Mike
BEAN BAG: That’s not weird
JOWETT: No it is, mate
RYAN: Just be thankful it wasn’t ‘Grand Theft Auto’
MIKE: I bet that sort of game bores you?
BEAN BAG: It does actually
MIKE: (Daft voice) “What’s the point in this game? I’m standing in a alleyway, having killed a prostitute. I did this last week!”
JOWETT: ANYWAY! Mike, finish off this post with a story
MIKE: I have a Christmas story, but it’s one I have told before
JOWETT: Just do it
MIKE: Right well, It’s this friend of a friend who went out on Christmas eve once. This lad got hammered and, you know when you’re hungover and, like, your thoughts and your mouth aren’t connected properly? Well, he was eating his Christmas dinner and his nan was wittering on as your nan does, and he thought to himself,’Oh shut up nan you c*nt’. Then he looked up and everyone was looking at him and his dad went, ‘ I think you’d better take your dinner upstairs and eat in your room’
JOWETT: Ahh how lovely. Anyway, that’s it for this post. We will be back after the Christmas break. So to all the readers, Merry Christmas! Goodbye!