Archive for March, 2012

RYAN: What are we waiting for?

JOWETT: Mike. He’s on the phone

RYAN: Just start without him

JOWETT: Nah I’m going to wait until he decides to not to be a pain

MIKE: Hang on a second phil. You will be waiting a while, Jowett. Sorry Phil, carry on

RYAN: Come on, Jowett, start without him

JOWETT: No! Why are you talking to Phil?

MIKE: (Put’s hand over the phone) He is sorting stuff out for me

JOWETT: What?

MIKE: He’s looking at work that needs to be done to my new house

JOWETT: This can wait until after, surely? This is rude

MIKE:It won’t take long

JOWETT: Put him on loud-speaker, might as well involve him

MIKE: Okay. You are on loud-speaker, Phil

PHIL: Okay

JOWETT: Hi Phil

PHIL: Hello

JOWETT: How’s thi..

MIKE: Bit rude Jowett. I was in the middle of something…

JOWETT: There are no words to…

MIKE: Phil, what did you ask before?

PHIL: Do you want me to add a cat flap?

MIKE: No

PHIL: Why?

MIKE: Because I don’t have a cat

PHIL: Do you have a dog?

MIKE: Yes

PHIL: Do you want…

MIKE: No I don’t want a dog flap

PHIL: Why?

MIKE: I don’t think they exist for a start

PHIL: They do, I have one

MIKE: Really?

PHIL: Yeah, actually had it put in last week. The dog just runs in and out of it all day

MIKE: What dog do you have?

PHIL: Great Dane

JOWETT: A Great Dane? That must be a big flap. Are you not worried someone will climb in and rob your house?

PHIL:…Shi (Hangs up)

MIKE: Phil?…Phil?..He’s gone. Go o then Jowett, you have my undivided attention

JOWETT: Good. I want to talk to you all about the interview you gave, last week, for a magazine. More importantly when asked about the Pussy Cat dolls comeback

MIKE: What about it?

JOWETT: Well for a start, it’s never going to be published

RYAN: Why?

JOWETT: Because we asked them not to

MIKE: I cancelled stuff to be at that interview! What was wrong with it?

JOWETT: Well let’s see. When asked if you knew anything about the new Pussy Cat Dolls you said yes. Why?

MIKE: I can’t remember

JOWETT: Let’s jog your memory. When asked “Do you know any information about the new Pussy Cat doll group” Mike said “I know that there is now enough of them to set up a charity for rejected members”

MIKE: (Laughs) Yeah. I did say that

JOWETT: Which leads me to their next question “Have you ever met any of the Pussy Cat Dolls?” To which Joel replied “Yeah I met one of the old ones. She seemed very bitter and almost threatening. I was scared of her. But I know her quite well now and she’s alright” Joel, you have never met any member of the Pussy Cat dolls

JOEL: I have!

JOWETT: No mate, you haven’t. Then as the reporter obviously got excited at getting some inside information on them, she asked you for some facts about them that fans might not know

JOEL: Yeah

JOWETT: Joel replied “They are more scared of you, than you are of them” No Joel, that’s a fact about spiders

Laughter

JOEL: ….Still applies to them

JOWETT: You clearly didn’t think to stop either when she said “Anything else?” and you said “They will come into your house seeking warmth in the winter” That’s STILL spiders

Laughter

MIKE: Is there a conclusion to this lecture?

JOWETT: Don’t give interviews on info about other pop stars ever again, okay?

MIKE: Christ, fine!

JOWETT: Good!

Pause

MIKE:You haven’t said anything about my new iPhone…

JOWETT: …So?

MIKE: It’s brilliant, thanks for asking. Does literally anything and everything

JOWETT: Brilliant, let’s move…

RYAN: Can you find out what the weather is going to be like tomorrow?

MIKE: Psh! what planet?

RYAN: Mars?

MIKE: Raining, all day

JOWETT: I don’t think that…

JOEL: Can it tell me what Goofy is?

MIKE: There is an app for that!

RYAN: Can it weedle out which members of the private security industry are actually closet homosexuals

MIKE: There’s an app for..

JOWETT: There is NOT and app for…

Mike shows Jowett his screen

JOWETT:…..My god

MIKE: I downloaded a ‘Race Card’ app the other day

JOWETT: What’s the point in that? You can’t use it

MIKE: Meh

JOEL: What’s a ‘Race Card’

JOWETT:…… Untill next time, it’s goodby

Laughter

MIKE: Woah woah hang on. Are you not going to answer him?

JOWETT: NO, no I’m not and neither are..

MIKE: The ‘Race Card’ is a..

JOWETT: Don’t do this, come on

JOEL: I think I know what it is anyway

MIKE: Go on..

JOWETT: Okay but be careful

JOEL: If, say, a black person believes he or she is being taken advantage of because of their race..

JOWETT: Yeahhhh?

JOEL: They can then use the ‘Race Card’…

JOWETT: Yeahhhh?

JOEL: And say “I challenge you to a race because I know I will win, because I’m black”…That’s right, isn’t it?

JOWETT:……Yep. Goodbye!

Laughter

 

JOWETT: Hello!

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Howdy

JOWETT: We are back! We have been gone a while…

RYAN: How long?

JOWETT: Christmas was the last one

RYAN: Woah

JOWETT: I know! We have been really busy though!

RYAN: True

JOWETT: Mike isn’t here at the moment, but he is on his way back from a party. So because he’s not here, in the interest of fairness, we can say what we like about him!

RYAN: I wouldn’t. He’s angrier now he’s sober. He got a brand new hairdresser sacked last month before he had even touched a hair on his head

JOWETT: How?

RYAN: Because Mike sat in front of the mirror ready to get a trim and the hairdresser put his hand on his shoulders, looked at him through the mirror and said “Isn’t hair weird!”

Laughter

RYAN: He had to go after that. Mike couldn’t trust him

JOWETT: Yeah. I must point out to the readers that Mike has given up alcohol

RYAN: For lent

JOWETT: Psh come on. He’s been told he has to by..

RYAN: Don’t. We have to say that. He get’s angry if you suggest he has to give it up for health reasons

JOWETT: Why?

RYAN: He doesn’t like the idea of being ‘past it’

JOWETT: (Tut’s) Okay. He’s given it up for Dr Lent

Laughter

JOWETT: I’ve compromised. You alright Joel?

JOEL: Yep

JOWETT: How was your Christmas?

JOEL: Good!

JOWETT: Good presents?

JOEL: Yep

JOWETT: What did I get you?

JOEL: A new hand puppet

JOWETT: Yep. You like like it?

JOEL: Love it! I take it around with me. Got it here

(Joel goes into his bag and put’s on a sock puppet)

JOWETT: Aww….bit weird but hey. Don’t give this one to Mike

JOEL: I won’t

JOWETT: Mike did stuff to your last oine didn’t he?

Joel nod’s solomnly

JOWETT: Had to burn it. Anyway!…

RYAN: Before you start a new conversation, have you moved that bottle of Captin Morgans from studio desk?

JOWETT: No. Why?

RYAN: I have been looking for it for ages. Was gonna have a glass to loosen me up for this

JOWETT: Sorry mate. When did you last see it?

RYAN: Hours ago. I was with Mike and….ah

JOWETT: What?

RYAN: He’s had it hasn’t he?

JOWETT: Nah he promised he was off it, didn’t he?

RYAN: Yeah but he was moaning he couldn’t drink at this party. He’s had it

JOWETT: Now come on, mate. It could be anywhere!

Mike crashes through the doors on a pogo stick

MIKE: Waaaaaaaaaaay!

JOWETT: (To Ryan) Yeah, okay, It’s in Mike

Laughter

MIKE: What’s (Pause while he looks around the room) This?

JOWETT: Has someone broken their promise?

MIKE: You what?

JOWETT: You’re drunk, mate

MIKE: Yeah a bit

RYAN: I can smell the booze on you from here. Go have a wash and sober up

MIKE: F*ck you. You know car washes?

JOWETT: Sorry?

MIKE: You know car washes?

JOWETT: Yeah?

MIKE: Mental……aren’t they?

Laughter

Mike get’s up off the ground, staggers about and sit’s next to Joel

MIKE: I can’t even see properly. The first time I met Joel, he told me he had never been in a car wash

JOWETT: What? Even as a kid?

JOEL: No never

MIKE: So I took him! Paid for it too

Laughter

MIKE: You didn’t know WHAT was going on did ya?

JOEL: Mmm no

MIKE: He really had to trust me, because I suppose the first time is a bit unsettling

JOWETT: I suppose so, for children maybe

MIKE: I thought he was gonna try to get out half way through. “BAIL! BAIL!”

Laughter

MIKE: But he didn’t. (Looks at the sock puppet) Who’s your mate?

JOWETT: (Warning tone) No Mike!

MIKE: Can I look at him?

JOEL: Yeah oka…

JOWETT: JOEL!

JOEL: Oh, no sorry

MIKE: (Tut’s) I’m never allowed anything! Apparently I can’t use the water thing down stairs anymore, either

JOWETT: Water thing? The water cooler? You lost your right to the water cooler?

MIKE: It’s not a right, It’s a PRIVILEDGE!…or so reception tells me

Laughter

JOWETT: The party was good then?

MIKE: Yeah. Had to leave early though

RYAN: You did something wrong then?

MIKE: NO!

JOWETT: Mmm ‘out the front early’ or ‘out the back early’?

MIKE: ‘Out the front early’

JOWETT: (To Ryan) Mmm couldn’t have been that bad then

MIKE: I was suggested to leave because I offended someone…apparently

JOWETT: Who?

MIKE: This indian bloke. He is a record executive or something

JOWETT: Offended him?

MIKE: Yeah

JOWETT: Is it a coincidence that he’s foreign? Or is this story based on it

MIKE: That’s for you to decide

JOWETT: Go on….

MIKE: He just comes up to me out of no where and asked if we would perform at his daughters 18th birthday party next month..

JOWETT: And you said….

MIKE: (Indian accent) “Not on your nelly!”

Laughter

JOWETT: You said that?

MIKE: Yeah. What’s wrong with that?

RYAN: Accent

JOEL: Accent

JOWETT: Obviously, the accent

MIKE: Psh

JOWETT: Who’s party was it?

MIKE: Err not sure. It had an Indian theme though (Laughs)

JOWETT: Idiot

MIKE: Do one Jowett!.You do my fu*king head in. I don’t know why I bothered coming here. (Point’s at Jowett) You’re a dick head (Points at Ryan) You’re a dick head (Points at the puppet on Joel’s hand) I don’t even know you, but (Points at Joel) your mate is a dick head

Laughter

JOWETT: Time to wrap this up

MIKE: Jowett?

JOWETT: It’s been great doing this again

MIKE: Jowett?

JOWETT: We aren’t certain how often we can do these interviews so we might do special one’s now and again. So watch this space!

MIKE: Jowett?

Pause

MIKE: Jowett? Jowett?

JOWETT: This better be good..

MIKE: When I do this.(Mike pulls a stupid face) It hurts….

JOWETT: …Don’t do it then

Laughter

JOWETT: Goodbye! Where the fu*ck did you get a pogo stick from at 11 o’clock at night?

 

We are back!

There will be a brand new post coming from the IMONTHEBANDWAGON boys tomorrow. This is first one back since the lengthy break at after Christmas

Watch this space!