RYAN: What are we waiting for?
JOWETT: Mike. He’s on the phone
RYAN: Just start without him
JOWETT: Nah I’m going to wait until he decides to not to be a pain
MIKE: Hang on a second phil. You will be waiting a while, Jowett. Sorry Phil, carry on
RYAN: Come on, Jowett, start without him
JOWETT: No! Why are you talking to Phil?
MIKE: (Put’s hand over the phone) He is sorting stuff out for me
MIKE: He’s looking at work that needs to be done to my new house
JOWETT: This can wait until after, surely? This is rude
MIKE:It won’t take long
JOWETT: Put him on loud-speaker, might as well involve him
MIKE: Okay. You are on loud-speaker, Phil
JOWETT: Hi Phil
JOWETT: How’s thi..
MIKE: Bit rude Jowett. I was in the middle of something…
JOWETT: There are no words to…
MIKE: Phil, what did you ask before?
PHIL: Do you want me to add a cat flap?
MIKE: Because I don’t have a cat
PHIL: Do you have a dog?
PHIL: Do you want…
MIKE: No I don’t want a dog flap
MIKE: I don’t think they exist for a start
PHIL: They do, I have one
PHIL: Yeah, actually had it put in last week. The dog just runs in and out of it all day
MIKE: What dog do you have?
PHIL: Great Dane
JOWETT: A Great Dane? That must be a big flap. Are you not worried someone will climb in and rob your house?
PHIL:…Shi (Hangs up)
MIKE: Phil?…Phil?..He’s gone. Go o then Jowett, you have my undivided attention
JOWETT: Good. I want to talk to you all about the interview you gave, last week, for a magazine. More importantly when asked about the Pussy Cat dolls comeback
MIKE: What about it?
JOWETT: Well for a start, it’s never going to be published
JOWETT: Because we asked them not to
MIKE: I cancelled stuff to be at that interview! What was wrong with it?
JOWETT: Well let’s see. When asked if you knew anything about the new Pussy Cat Dolls you said yes. Why?
MIKE: I can’t remember
JOWETT: Let’s jog your memory. When asked “Do you know any information about the new Pussy Cat doll group” Mike said “I know that there is now enough of them to set up a charity for rejected members”
MIKE: (Laughs) Yeah. I did say that
JOWETT: Which leads me to their next question “Have you ever met any of the Pussy Cat Dolls?” To which Joel replied “Yeah I met one of the old ones. She seemed very bitter and almost threatening. I was scared of her. But I know her quite well now and she’s alright” Joel, you have never met any member of the Pussy Cat dolls
JOEL: I have!
JOWETT: No mate, you haven’t. Then as the reporter obviously got excited at getting some inside information on them, she asked you for some facts about them that fans might not know
JOWETT: Joel replied “They are more scared of you, than you are of them” No Joel, that’s a fact about spiders
JOEL: ….Still applies to them
JOWETT: You clearly didn’t think to stop either when she said “Anything else?” and you said “They will come into your house seeking warmth in the winter” That’s STILL spiders
MIKE: Is there a conclusion to this lecture?
JOWETT: Don’t give interviews on info about other pop stars ever again, okay?
MIKE: Christ, fine!
MIKE:You haven’t said anything about my new iPhone…
MIKE: It’s brilliant, thanks for asking. Does literally anything and everything
JOWETT: Brilliant, let’s move…
RYAN: Can you find out what the weather is going to be like tomorrow?
MIKE: Psh! what planet?
MIKE: Raining, all day
JOWETT: I don’t think that…
JOEL: Can it tell me what Goofy is?
MIKE: There is an app for that!
RYAN: Can it weedle out which members of the private security industry are actually closet homosexuals
MIKE: There’s an app for..
JOWETT: There is NOT and app for…
Mike shows Jowett his screen
MIKE: I downloaded a ‘Race Card’ app the other day
JOWETT: What’s the point in that? You can’t use it
JOEL: What’s a ‘Race Card’
JOWETT:…… Untill next time, it’s goodby
MIKE: Woah woah hang on. Are you not going to answer him?
JOWETT: NO, no I’m not and neither are..
MIKE: The ‘Race Card’ is a..
JOWETT: Don’t do this, come on
JOEL: I think I know what it is anyway
MIKE: Go on..
JOWETT: Okay but be careful
JOEL: If, say, a black person believes he or she is being taken advantage of because of their race..
JOEL: They can then use the ‘Race Card’…
JOEL: And say “I challenge you to a race because I know I will win, because I’m black”…That’s right, isn’t it?
Archive for March, 2012
Tags: college, Entertainment, Humor, life, News, random, Writing
Tags: Comedy, Entertainment, Humor, life, music, News, random, Writing
JOWETT: We are back! We have been gone a while…
RYAN: How long?
JOWETT: Christmas was the last one
JOWETT: I know! We have been really busy though!
JOWETT: Mike isn’t here at the moment, but he is on his way back from a party. So because he’s not here, in the interest of fairness, we can say what we like about him!
RYAN: I wouldn’t. He’s angrier now he’s sober. He got a brand new hairdresser sacked last month before he had even touched a hair on his head
RYAN: Because Mike sat in front of the mirror ready to get a trim and the hairdresser put his hand on his shoulders, looked at him through the mirror and said “Isn’t hair weird!”
RYAN: He had to go after that. Mike couldn’t trust him
JOWETT: Yeah. I must point out to the readers that Mike has given up alcohol
RYAN: For lent
JOWETT: Psh come on. He’s been told he has to by..
RYAN: Don’t. We have to say that. He get’s angry if you suggest he has to give it up for health reasons
RYAN: He doesn’t like the idea of being ‘past it’
JOWETT: (Tut’s) Okay. He’s given it up for Dr Lent
JOWETT: I’ve compromised. You alright Joel?
JOWETT: How was your Christmas?
JOWETT: Good presents?
JOWETT: What did I get you?
JOEL: A new hand puppet
JOWETT: Yep. You like like it?
JOEL: Love it! I take it around with me. Got it here
(Joel goes into his bag and put’s on a sock puppet)
JOWETT: Aww….bit weird but hey. Don’t give this one to Mike
JOEL: I won’t
JOWETT: Mike did stuff to your last oine didn’t he?
Joel nod’s solomnly
JOWETT: Had to burn it. Anyway!…
RYAN: Before you start a new conversation, have you moved that bottle of Captin Morgans from studio desk?
JOWETT: No. Why?
RYAN: I have been looking for it for ages. Was gonna have a glass to loosen me up for this
JOWETT: Sorry mate. When did you last see it?
RYAN: Hours ago. I was with Mike and….ah
RYAN: He’s had it hasn’t he?
JOWETT: Nah he promised he was off it, didn’t he?
RYAN: Yeah but he was moaning he couldn’t drink at this party. He’s had it
JOWETT: Now come on, mate. It could be anywhere!
Mike crashes through the doors on a pogo stick
JOWETT: (To Ryan) Yeah, okay, It’s in Mike
MIKE: What’s (Pause while he looks around the room) This?
JOWETT: Has someone broken their promise?
MIKE: You what?
JOWETT: You’re drunk, mate
MIKE: Yeah a bit
RYAN: I can smell the booze on you from here. Go have a wash and sober up
MIKE: F*ck you. You know car washes?
MIKE: You know car washes?
MIKE: Mental……aren’t they?
Mike get’s up off the ground, staggers about and sit’s next to Joel
MIKE: I can’t even see properly. The first time I met Joel, he told me he had never been in a car wash
JOWETT: What? Even as a kid?
JOEL: No never
MIKE: So I took him! Paid for it too
MIKE: You didn’t know WHAT was going on did ya?
JOEL: Mmm no
MIKE: He really had to trust me, because I suppose the first time is a bit unsettling
JOWETT: I suppose so, for children maybe
MIKE: I thought he was gonna try to get out half way through. “BAIL! BAIL!”
MIKE: But he didn’t. (Looks at the sock puppet) Who’s your mate?
JOWETT: (Warning tone) No Mike!
MIKE: Can I look at him?
JOEL: Yeah oka…
JOEL: Oh, no sorry
MIKE: (Tut’s) I’m never allowed anything! Apparently I can’t use the water thing down stairs anymore, either
JOWETT: Water thing? The water cooler? You lost your right to the water cooler?
MIKE: It’s not a right, It’s a PRIVILEDGE!…or so reception tells me
JOWETT: The party was good then?
MIKE: Yeah. Had to leave early though
RYAN: You did something wrong then?
JOWETT: Mmm ‘out the front early’ or ‘out the back early’?
MIKE: ‘Out the front early’
JOWETT: (To Ryan) Mmm couldn’t have been that bad then
MIKE: I was suggested to leave because I offended someone…apparently
MIKE: This indian bloke. He is a record executive or something
JOWETT: Offended him?
JOWETT: Is it a coincidence that he’s foreign? Or is this story based on it
MIKE: That’s for you to decide
JOWETT: Go on….
MIKE: He just comes up to me out of no where and asked if we would perform at his daughters 18th birthday party next month..
JOWETT: And you said….
MIKE: (Indian accent) “Not on your nelly!”
JOWETT: You said that?
MIKE: Yeah. What’s wrong with that?
JOWETT: Obviously, the accent
JOWETT: Who’s party was it?
MIKE: Err not sure. It had an Indian theme though (Laughs)
MIKE: Do one Jowett!.You do my fu*king head in. I don’t know why I bothered coming here. (Point’s at Jowett) You’re a dick head (Points at Ryan) You’re a dick head (Points at the puppet on Joel’s hand) I don’t even know you, but (Points at Joel) your mate is a dick head
JOWETT: Time to wrap this up
JOWETT: It’s been great doing this again
JOWETT: We aren’t certain how often we can do these interviews so we might do special one’s now and again. So watch this space!
MIKE: Jowett? Jowett?
JOWETT: This better be good..
MIKE: When I do this.(Mike pulls a stupid face) It hurts….
JOWETT: …Don’t do it then
JOWETT: Goodbye! Where the fu*ck did you get a pogo stick from at 11 o’clock at night?
Tags: Comedy, Entertainment, Humor, life, music, News, Writing