JOWETT: Hello! Welcome to the I’m On The Band Wagon Christmas post. I’m here with, Joel, Mike and Ryan
JOWETT: And as it’s a special post we have another guest with us. An old favourite. BEAN BAG!
BEAN BAG: Hello
JOWETT: Back again!
BEAN BAG: I am
JOWETT: Right then. Let’s get straight into it! Oh last week, Joel said he was gonna have a go of black magic. How did that go?
MIKE: You had a go, didn’t you?
JOEL: Yeah, nothing seemed to happen. I tried to curse Kelly Clarkson by drawing her face on a potato
JOWETT: You drew Kelly Clarkson’s face on a potato? How? And Why?
JOEL: I saw her on one of the music channels and thought “She has put on weight’
JOWETT: So naturally you thought “I’ll kill her”
JOEL: Not kill her, just see if I could influence her life a bit
JOWETT: Right, what did this face look like?
JOEL: Just did it with a black marker pen. I just did two slanted lines for eyes because you can’t really see them anymore
RYAN: This is a bit harsh
JOEL: I did the magic on it and then threw it out of the car window when we were moving
JOWETT: And got no results?
JOEL: Not that I know of
JOWETT: So you drew a oriental looking face on a potato and threw it out the window of a moving car?
JOWETT: You know Kim Jong-il has died, don’t you?
MIKE: Fell out of a moving car
Joel’s mouth drops
JOWETT: Anyway, I saw something trendng on Twitter that I would like to ask one of you. Joel! When did you stop believing in Santa?
JOEL: Errm I think when one Christmas morning, my dad threw up carrott
JOEL: He forgot to dispose of it before he went to bed and tried to scoff it down before we noticed
JOWETT: Genius. Anyway, Is everyone ready for Christmas?
MIKE: Ryan was ready for Christmas fu*kin ages ago!
RYAN: Just like to get it out of the way
MIKE: He gave me my present like three weeks ago
JOWETT: Impressive. Have you opened it?
JOWETT: What was it?
MIKE: (Tut’s) Rod Stuart’s greatest hits
JOWETT: What’s wrong with that?
MIKE: I thought it was a joke. I have seen the advert for this album on TV. The voiceover says “It’s all the Rod Stuart you will ever need!”
JOWETT: (Laughs) Yeah?
MIKE: I’ve already got all the Rod Stuart I will ever need. No punch line needed
JOWETT: Alright, fair enough. How have you been getting into the Christmas mood? Have any of you been sent to turn on Christmas lights in a city centre?
RYAN: No, but, we have decided if we get any offers we will send Bean Bag
MIKE: Because we want to see the disappointed look on his face when he stands in front of hundreds of people, presses a button and nothing blows up
JOWETT: Alright. Joel, do you have a Christmas story to tell us?
JOWETT: Well….I’m expecting to hear it at some point
JOEL: Oh. When I was little, In the days when I believed in santa, I got up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet. Just before I was about to cross the stairs to go back to my room I thought I heard santa coming up the stairs. So I was trapped. I couldn’t cross the stairs because santa would have seen I was awake and not leave me any presents.
JOEL: So I had to come up with a plan, quickly. I thought ‘If I blind side him as he reaches the top of the stairs and knock him back down the stairs, then he won’t know who did it, I can jump back in bed and he won’t be able to work out who did it’
JOWETT: ……Right. How did that work out for you?
JOEL: My dad now walks with a limp
JOWETT: Bean Bag, you got a Christmas story?
BEAN BAG: Yeah I have a Christmas story
JOWETT: Is it a nice story? It’s not weird is it?
BEAN BAG: No
MIKE: I’m going to beg to differ
MIKE: Yeah. In fact I will bet my place on these interviews that this story will be weird
JOWETT: Oooh Bean Bag! If this story is successfully ‘Not Weird’ then you will get your place back!
BEAN BAG: Right, do you want to leave now, Mike?
JOWETT: (Laughing) Oooh he’s confident!
MIKE: Just tell the story
BEAN BAG: A couple of years ago, I got a Spiderman video game for my Playstation as a Christmas present
JOWETT: So far so good!
BEAN BAG: I really got into the game and completed it in a few days
JOWETT: Mike, mate, not looking good for you!
BEAN BAG: But It sort of brain washed me and I tried to jump down a flight of stairs in my house and broke my leg
Mike get’s up and bows
JOWETT: Well done, Mike
BEAN BAG: That’s not weird
JOWETT: No it is, mate
RYAN: Just be thankful it wasn’t ‘Grand Theft Auto’
MIKE: I bet that sort of game bores you?
BEAN BAG: It does actually
MIKE: (Daft voice) “What’s the point in this game? I’m standing in a alleyway, having killed a prostitute. I did this last week!”
JOWETT: ANYWAY! Mike, finish off this post with a story
MIKE: I have a Christmas story, but it’s one I have told before
JOWETT: Just do it
MIKE: Right well, It’s this friend of a friend who went out on Christmas eve once. This lad got hammered and, you know when you’re hungover and, like, your thoughts and your mouth aren’t connected properly? Well, he was eating his Christmas dinner and his nan was wittering on as your nan does, and he thought to himself,’Oh shut up nan you c*nt’. Then he looked up and everyone was looking at him and his dad went, ‘ I think you’d better take your dinner upstairs and eat in your room’
JOWETT: Ahh how lovely. Anyway, that’s it for this post. We will be back after the Christmas break. So to all the readers, Merry Christmas! Goodbye!
Archive for December, 2011
Tags: Christmas, Entertainment, Humor, life, music, News, random, Writing
Tags: Entertainment, Humor, life, music, News, random, Writing
Another one of the most popular posts from the archives. This one coming from back in September! http://wp.me/p1ur1D-61
Tags: Entertainment, Humor, life, music, News, random, Writing
JOWETT: Before we started this, Mike, was telling a story. Want to share it?
MIKE: Well, last night, I Went to a 24 hour petrol station to get some fags
JOWETT: Cigarettes, for our American readers
MIKE: Yeah. Anyway there were two crack heads in front buying crisps and pop, with a ferret on a lead
JOWETT: What did you say when you saw this?
MIKE: Take a bow son!
JOWETT: Course you did. Didn’t strike you as odd?
MIKE: Bloody heroic. Made my life
JOWETT: Where do you even get a ferret?
MIKE: Well actually, about two weeks ago, I saw an advertisement in the back of one of the local papers, where they sell stuff which said “Due to unforseen circumstances, 6 female ferrets”
JOWETT: It could have been one of them then. But if this lad was off his face, for all he knew, it was a dog
MIKE: Nah, he knew what he was doing. He looked proper shifty
MIKE: I tried talking to them and I said “How long have you had a ferret?” And one of them looked a bit shifty and goes “What? Nah man it’s a dog”
MIKE: So I played along and said “Okay okay. What type of dog is it?” and he goes “A thin one bruv, now fu*k off!”
MIKE: I just laughed. He may have told me to fu*k off, but it’s still a ferret on a lead
JOWETT: ……..let’s move on
RYAN: Joel wants to talk about being conned
JOEL: I went to a well-known fast food restaurant, they didn’t give me what I ordered and let me leave without what I paid for
JOEL: Annoying. This happened before, not getting what I paid for
JOEL: I was on holiday with an ex girlfriend and we signed up for a boat trip. We got on the coach the next day and it like took us to a rock climbing place, then to a forest where we did zip wiring through the forest and then to a like off-road safari thing
JOEL: I thought ‘This is a bit of an elaborate start to a boat trip’
MIKE: You must have known you hadn’t signed up for the right thing half way through those activities?
MIKE: You still thought you were on the right trip?
MIKE: How about when you were in a tree?
JOWETT: Alright, leave him alone now. Erm one of you wanted to talk about…..dark magic?
JOWETT: Go on?
JOEL: Well I watched a programme on it and I fancy giving it a go
JOWETT: Not real, mate
JOEL: You didn’t see the documentary. It can be done
JOWETT: You reckon you can do it?
JOEL: I think so, yeah. I think I have some sort of energy in me anyway
JOWETT: You chat some shi….
JOEL: No! Once I had an argument with my girlfriend and kicked my television out of rage while footloose was on TV. The next day Patrick Swayze died
JOWETT: We shouldn’t have laughed at that
JOEL: True story
RYAN: Who are you going to do this dark magic on?
JOEL: I’m not sure. Might start with voodoo on certain people
MIKE: If you seriously believe you can pull this off, I will give you a list of some famous people to practice on
JOWETT: Some famous people? That’s not hard to guess. To the readers of this, closely follow the career of Coldplay for the next few weeks
MIKE: Nah actually I want nothing to do with this. It’s weird. You do too many weird things
JOEL: Psh you once put your penis in the mouth of a hand puppet!
MIKE: WELL! ….How do you know about that?
JOWETT: The puppet sold it’s story to a newspaper
JOWETT: Worst kiss and tell yet!
RYAN: We had loads of those puppets, didn’t we? And Mike abused most of them, while drunk
MIKE: Yep! One of them was like made out of hard rubber
JOWETT: My god you…….did it hurt?
MIKE: Only when it didn’t return my phone calls
JOWETT: You silly silly man
RYAN: What happened to all those puppets?
MIKE: Refuge centre, seeking advice
JOWETT: Right let’s end this. Until next time, goodbye!
Tags: Humor, life, music, News, random, Writing
Welcome to another Friday Rewind. This one is going back to August! Enjoy! http://wp.me/p1ur1D-4d
More work is going on with the magazine. The website is nearly ready to start taking subscrptions. We will give you more news when we have hit
Tags: Entertainment, Humor, life, music, News, random, Writing
JOWETT: Mike is back
MIKE: I am
JOWETT: Have a good time?
MIKE: I did
JOWETT: Good good. Erm…we got a bill through…..from your little trip
MIKE: Oh ah?
JOWETT: Err yeah, we did
JOWETT: You know how much horses cost?
MIKE: I don’t. I know how many Rolo’s it takes to choke one
JOWETT: I wouldn’t be proud of that. It’s not funny
MIKE: I didn’t say it because it was funny. I’m trying to get a advertisement deal for Rolo’s
JOWETT: Well you are going to need the money
MIKE: I’M not paying for it!
JOWETT: YOU ARE!
MIKE: I DIDN’T KNOW ROLO’S WOULD CHOKE IT!
JOWETT: YOU DIDN’T CHOKE IT! THE HORSE WAS DIABETIC!
MIKE: WELL……fair enough
RYAN: Christ! How many Rolo’s did you give it, for it to have a diabetic fit?
MIKE: Yeah, quite a lot
JOWETT: Where did you get all these Rolo’s?
MIKE: Mini baaaaa……the shop
JOWETT: WHAT! So we have a bill for a mini bar to look forward to aswell, do we?
MIKE: Okay okay. I’ll pay for the mini bar bill
JOWETT: You will pay for all of it!
MIKE: We will see
JOEL: Why did they get Mike to do the documentary?
JOWETT: No idea
MIKE: Because I’m young, gifted….and black
JOWETT: (Tut’s) For the purpose of the readers, he’s not black
MIKE: I am! Who says I’m not!
JOWETT: We do, we can see you, we know you aren’t black
MIKE: I am. Step off, cracker!
JOWETT: Enough of this. What have you been up to?
RYAN: Joel has mastered one of his impressions
JOWETT: Impression of who?
JOWETT: I have warned you about talking about Muppets, on these interviews. We ca…
MIKE: Elmo isn’t a Muppet
JOWETT: What? Of course he is
MIKE: Was he in ‘The Muppets’?
JOWETT: Well….Sesame Street
MIKE: Not ‘The Muppets’ though is it?
JOWETT: He is part of Jim Henson’s productions though, isn’t he!
MIKE: If he was never on the same screen as Kermit, he aint a Muppet
JOWETT:….You aren’t supposed to find loop holes in the ‘Muppet rule’
MIKE: Well then, sit down
JOWETT: God sake. I always thought impressions were sort of pointless, unless you are an impressionist
RYAN: Just a party trick, isn’t it
JOWETT: He shouldn’t be at parties where that impression would be popular
MIKE: There has to be other uses. He couuuuuuuuuuuld ring up Brian Henson and say you have Elmo hostage. Ask for ransom
JOWETT: (Sarcastically) Yeahhh brilliant
MIKE: Nah, ring him up, and say”Brian, I have Elmo, hostage. I want 1 million pounds sent to me in the next 24 hours. Every hour I do not get an answer, I will send a body part in the post”” Brian will go “Do you think I’m stupid?” and then you go “well…here is proof” Put the Elmo voice on “Brian, Help meeeeee” ” OH MY GOD! DON’T HURT HIM! I’LL GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT!”
JOWETT: That was ridiculous
RYAN: What if Brian turned around and said “Sorry Elmo, we don’t negotiate with terrorists. Company policy!”
MIKE: “Not since the time we lost 2 million trying to retrieve the original Big Bird from the Iraq tour”
JOWETT: Stop it now. So, Joel. Have you always done impressions?
JOEL: Yeah, ever since I was little. There is a video of me, when I was like 12, doing impressions
JOWETT: …….We need that video
JOEL: No chance. Even when I was 12 I thought, ‘If I ever become famous, that will come back to haunt me’
JOWETT: Hmm did you think you would become famous at that age?
JOEL: Kill someone
JOEL: I’m joking
JOWETT: I think a video of you doing impressions, circulating, would be the last thing on your mind if you were a murderer
MIKE: Imagine that, on the news at ten “A video has been released of the serial killer, Joel” And then a video comes up of Joel doing impressions. Joel is there at home, hacking up bodies and he looks up at the Tv and goes “Oh how embarrassing!”
JOWETT: On that not I think we better wrap this up. Untill next time!
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