JOWETT: Back again! Hello!
JOWETT: Mike is just outside, talking to one of the management team. I was going to wait until he came back in the studio, but he is purposely taking his time, so we will start without him. You alright Ryan?
RYAN: Yes mate
JOWETT: Been up to anything interesting?
RYAN: Doctors, this morning
RYAN: Just registering with a new doctors
JOWETT: Oh ah? What was wrong with your old one?
RYAN: Well, I dunno. Just wanted to register with a better practice. My old one was unreliable
JOWETT: Oh. He kept cancelling appointments?
RYAN: Nah. But if your doctor ever Google’s your symptoms, it’s time to leave
JOWETT: Yeah, fair enough. What did you have to do then?
RYAN: Just forms and stuff. questionnaires on how healthy I am
JOWETT: Right. Were you honest?
RYAN: Yeah pretty much. Well there was a question that said ‘How often after a night out, can you not remember anything’ and the options were Couple times a year, Couple times a month, or Couple times a week. Obviously the answer is a more than a couples times a week. But they don’t need to know that
JOWETT: (Laughs) I think they do mate. That’s what the questionnaire is for
JOWETT: Decided to join us now?
JOWETT: What were you talking about?
MIKE: Management wanted me to re-work a track we recorded last week. I did it and they said it was worse than the first one
JOWETT: Well do it again then
MIKE: Nah, if they can use the first one
JOWETT: Why did they want you to re-work it?
MIKE: Something about pushing it for a higher entry in the charts
JOWETT: And you can’t be bothered to do it again?
JOWETT: (Tut’s) Look at him. The bar is raised and Mike limbo’s underneath it
MIKE: Move it along
JOWETT: Who’s kid is that out there?
MIKE: Erm Paul’s I think
JOWETT: Eh? Paul isn’t black
JOWETT: Well….that child is
RYAN: His wife is probably black
JOWETT: She isn’t
MIKE:…….Should we call the police?
JOEL: I think they adopted him
JOWETT: Ahh well that makes sense
MIKE: Sort of information we should know. Thought our management team were running a child trafficking ring for a second there
JOWETT: You ever thought about adopting a child, Mike?
MIKE: No mate
JOWETT: You know someone who adopts kids, don’t you?
MIKE: Err yeah. He is a record executive. He and his wife have adopted quite a few deprived children of different nationalities. I think they are collecting them until they get one from every country. Dinner time must look like a UN meeting
JOWETT: Just bordering on offensive, that was
JOWETT: I bet you didn’t do what I asked you to do for this weeks post either
MIKE: Coming up with an awkward moment?
JOWETT: That you have put yourself in, yes
MIKE: I have actually
RYAN: And me
JOWETT: Go on then, Mike
MIKE: I met a female fan after one of our gigs once
JOWETT: Wait wait wait…can this be published?
MIKE: Yeah yeah, don’t worry
JOWETT: G on
MIKE: So yeah, I met this girl after our gig. I think she was about 25. Randomly, she went through her hand bag and pulled out a paper snowflake and said “Look at this”. It had drawings on it and she was showing me them all saying “There is a picture of a horse, there is a star” etc. After she finishes showing me this paper snow flake I said to her “So does your carer know you are here?” As a joke. She looked at me for a few seconds and as she folded up the snow flake to put in her bag she said “Actually, one of the DOWN SYNDROME children I look after, made it for me”
JOWETT: Oh god
MIKE: I know
RYAN: Err yeah. When I was at university, I was walking through the town center and this woman, working for a charity, stopped me. I knew straight away she was going to ask me to sign up for a charity donation, but being a student, I was skint, so I was thinking how to get away
RYAN: She said “Firstly before I start, are you over 18?” So I thought here is my way out of this! So I said “Aww sorry im afraid im not” So she said “Are you in school then?” And I just went with it and said “Yeah, I am”
JOWETT: Tut tut
RYAN: So then she says “Why aren’t you in school now?” to which I replied, with a cheeky smile “Ah im skipping school, don’t tell anyone”. At this point, her face drops and she goes “Right. Well I work for a charity that works to help unprivileged children in poverty, to afford to go to school”
RYAN: So then I had to stand there for a good 20 minutes while she lectures me on while I shouldn’t skip school
JOWETT: Right, time to wrap this up. Until next time!
funny blog, comedy blog
Archive for October, 2011
Tags: Band, Celebrities, Comedy, Entertainment, Humor, life, music, random, thoughts, Writing
Tags: Entertainment, Humor, Interviews, life, music, News, random, Writing
JOWETT: Here we are, back to normal
JOWETT: Last week I did my own post…
MIKE: We know…..
JOWETT: Just like to point out that it got the highest number of likes we have ever had….
MIKE: We know…..
JOWETT: Most comments for any post we have ever made……
MIKE: ALRIGHT, IT STILL HURTS!
JOWETT: (Laughs) Okay. Anyway, we are chilled out this week. We have made up after the last interview
MIKE: Yeah we have. I’m not going to even mention how you have annoyed me this week. Because we are friends now
JOWETT: Well you have brought it up now, so you might as well. I guarantee it’s going to be something ridiculous
MIKE: It’s not, actually
MIKE: I heard you have limited what I could have out of the mini-bar in the last hotel we stayed in
JOWETT: I simply suggested you didn’t need one. Just cutting down on expenses
MIKE: Where do you get off, Jowett? If I want a Twix, I’ll have one
MIKE: I get hungry sometimes!
JOWETT: Loads of food was bought for you all! It was all in those bags on the bus!
MIKE: (Tut’s) I’m not eating that! It was all rubbish, I didn’t like any of it
JOWETT: Joel liked it
MIKE: I know, I saw the bags placed in front of him and he rummaged through it in a frenzy, grabbed a bag of Doritos between his teeth and squirreled off in to a corner of the room
MIKE: And that’s because we hadn’t been fed. He was starving
JOWETT: This isn’t ‘Oliver’! You can feed yourselves!
MIKE: Just let me have my mini-bar, next time. Or else I’m gonna start a new feature, that I will do every week, called “What’s Jowett being a Nazi about this week”
MIKE: Next week, Jewish people!
JOWETT: Anyway, while we have been away it was one of the managers birthdays, wasn’t it? Let’s call him Bob
MIKE: Yep. Bob’s 40th
JOWETT: I mean, you have known him for a long time now, haven’t you?
JOWETT: Bob has done a lot for all of you and turning 40 is quite a big birthday. He had to spend his 40th birthday away from his family because he was on tour with us
JOWETT: So you know, you thought as it’s a big birthday, you would do something special. So you…
MIKE: Fu**ed off for the day
JOWETT: It’s touching
MIKE: We would have only ruined it. He didn’t want me around
JOWETT: Some say it’s because your still in a mood about the assistants he has hired for you
MIKE: Not at all. I mean the last two were definitely chosen to test me
JOWETT: (Laughing) What do you mean?
MIKE: You know what I mean. The second to last one had one arm
MIKE: You knew that would throw me
JOWETT: Because you’re a horrible human being?
MIKE: NO! I defy anyone to keep it together when they walk in on their assistant balancing a muffin on the end of their stump
JOWETT: Oh god, what did you say (Daft voice) “RIGHT! That’s it! Who put you up to this?”
MIKE: Pretty much
JOWETT: So what was wrong with the last one?
MIKE: SHE HAD ONE EYE!
RYAN: (Laughing) She didn’t have one eye
MIKE: Well only one working one. The other would just stare out at an angle. I couldn’t help but look at it. Honestly when she turned up I thought “Ohh for ffffffff. Someone is taking the piss!”
JOWETT: I don’t see the problem. She could still do her job
MIKE: I’m not being funny, but I’m sure there were people as qualified as her, but with two working eyes. You would choose the person with full eye sight, not Pop….. the other one
JOWETT: No no sorry? What were you about to call her?
JOWETT: You weren’t about to call a woman with one eye, ‘Popeye’? were you?
MIKE: I have said my bit
JOWETT: Okay, let’s move on. You alright, Joel?
JOEL: Yeah, mate
JOWETT: You wanted to make a claim about something
JOEL: Yeah, I saw something yesterday, that I bet no one else has seen
RYAN: You know this is gonna be good
JOWETT: Go on
JOEL: I saw a squirrel being sick
MIKE: I really wanted him to tell him to shut up then, but the worst thing about this, is that I think he’s right
JOWETT: I know, I have never seen that. Where was this?
JOEL: The park outside the hotel. It was at the base of a tree, with one arm resting against the tree, just throwing up
MIKE: (Daft voice) “Oh my god (sick noises) that nut was off”
JOWETT: Well…well done. Keep us updated on other animals that you have seen being sick. We will m…..
JOEL: Do you know how frogs are sick?
JOWETT: (Sighs) How?
JOEL: They throw up their stomach first, then they dig out all the sick, then swallow the stomach again
MIKE: (Sceptical) That’s not true. It rummages through its stomach like a little bag?
JOWETT: Mmm it doesn’t sound right, mate. You never saw Kermit doing…. LEAVE IT!
MIKE: I wasn’t gonna say anything!
JOWETT: Good! Anyway, I heard one of you is going to do a voiceover for an advert or something, is this true?
MIKE: Nah, no one wanted to do it
JOWETT: Why? You get good money for things like that these days!
RYAN: Didn’t fancy it
JOWETT: Ever thought about doing acting?
JOWETT: Why? Some of the biggest musicians have been in films. Michael Jackson for one!
MIKE: Was he?
MIKE: Like what?
JOWETT: Ermmm he was a scarecrow in a film, that scared kids I think
MIKE: No mate, that was his private life
Tags: Celebrities, Comedy, Entertainment, Humor, life, music, Opinions, Ramblings, random, thoughts, Writing
Howdy! Normally I would post a conversation with the lads in the band, but due to a mental work schedule, I have been left without one this week. So I thought about what I could do in place of a conversations of cat’s, puppets and other stuff that will inevitably get us sued. I consulted the band and they reckon I should write my own post. I wasn’t too keen on the idea but when Mike, in a brilliant bit of reverse psychology, said “There’s not much point in doing one without us, it wont get much attention” I decided to do one anyway.
In keeping with the theme of destroying the memories of childhood hero’s for many people I decided to take a look at Cartoon’s of the 90′s. I know, this has probably been done to death, but I am going to put a slight slant on the idea. I am going to look at what these cartoons really meant
So I’m going to jump straight in to it
I really got in to Pokemon, it was great. But, like many of these cartoons, until you step back at a later age and think about what it really was, you wont realise its a bit wrong. Here is a summary of what I see now when I think of Pokemon
‘It’s about a world in which people capture animals and make them fight other animals for badges’
Which, if I’m not mistaken, with or without the badge reward system, is illegal. If I wandered around my local park with a chimp under my arm that was armed with a knife, and offered to battle it against some random bloke walking his pit bull, I would be arrested. Cock fighting is illegal as well as many other types animal fighting, so why is Pokemon alright? They never go in to the darker side of the Pokemon world where medicine is being tested on them and different shades of eye shadow “Oh look! the shampoo has gone into Pikachu’s eyes, he doesn’t seem to like it. NEXT BOTTLE!”
Now, it doesn’t take a lot of effort to realise why this was a bit dodgy, but I will sum it up anyway
“It’s about a sex addict, that sounded like Elvis, best friend was a little girl and spends every day hassling and perving on women“
When you are 11 years old, you don’t think about why this concept is definitely too mature for us. You just think “I’m a bit bored of him failing to chat up women and dedicating the gym to only the upper half of his body”. And what was the deal with his relationship with that little girl? She was always around! But to be fair, he did seem to not like that girl when she was around. An aspect that was carefully looked at by the writers when considering a relationship between a pervert and a little girl
Apart from the obvious drug references I wanted to point out something else. They made this cartoon so Scooby-doo could talk…sort of. You just take it for granted that ‘because he’s a dog, that’s the best he is going to be able to talk’. Until they introduced ‘Scrappy-doo’ who could talk with PERFECT DICTION!
This just made me think “Well…..what’s wrong with his uncle? Was it the drugs? Was it a stroke?”
So basically, Scooby-doo was
“A dog with a speech impediment”
Scooby was subsequently taken off these kids by the authorities. Turns out Fred used to kick him
It was the last straw after several counts of wasting police time for emergency calls about ghosts
COW AND CHICKEN
This one was a one-off. It was the only cartoon I watched as a 12-year-old and thought “…………This aint right”
A cow and a chicken, brother and sister. I remember it even baffled and confused my dad so much he told me not to watch it again…..
“A bloke with ADHD“
Not so much a super hero, more as a bit of a tool with attention deficit disorder. No one ever said “Well clearly, this lad is ill” “No he’s not! He’s a bit of a character!”
It wasn’t classed as that when I was in school, he would have had to have taken medication
Dexter’s Lab was a good cartoon, but like the others, had deeper theme’s. This cartoon was basically
“A bit of a loner, has no friends and spends all his time in his room”
They cut off this cartoon before it got to the episode where he walks in to his school with a gun and shoots everybody before turning the gun on himself
His sister went on to give talks on bullying
That’s all the one’s I could think of. If you can think of others, don’t hesitate to join in!
If you miss the band’s ramblings then you can catch an interview we did earlier in the week with H. E. ELLIS here
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Tags: Celebrities, Comedy, Entertainment, Humor, Interviews, life, music, News, random, Writing
JOWETT: Apologies again, for the lack of posts but we have been busy. Everyone is a little stressed, I’m feeling the strain
MIKE: Can say that again
JOWETT: No go on?
MIKE: Well you have been moody as f*ck, lately
JOWETT: I’m stressed! You lot don’t help!
MIKE: Don’t jab you’re finger at me, Jowett! We haven’t done anything!
JOWETT: You bloody have! Out of interest, which one of you keeps leaving threatening, joke voice mail messages on my phone?
JOWETT: Because I liked it. Thought it was funny
MIKE: That was me
JOWETT: RIGHT! I’m going to the police. It’s harassment. It’s not funny. Anyway, let’s start this interview
MIKE: I thought you were going to praise me for my funny message. You started this interview like you were running a local radio competition and then turned it into a threat! (Daft voice) “If you’re car registration number is A555 WJK then I would bail if I was you because I’ve attached a bomb to the engine”
JOWETT: Well you have all been useless this last week. None of you co-operate. Management are loosing their rag with you. Trying to manage you is like trying to organise a flash mob with monkeys
JOWETT: You can tell when Mike is in one of those ‘I’m going to wind everyone up’ moods
JOWETT: Because you always walk around singing that boyz 2 men song “End of the road” in an upbeat way! Your evil!
MIKE: We haven’t done anything wrong! YOU stress us out!
RYAN: You do keep deleting our TV shows off the TV planner!
JOWETT: I deleted ONE by accident and some others said you had already viewed them!
MIKE: Ryan may have seen them but I haven’t! Or Joel! Joel, what film didn’t you get to watch because Jowett deleted it?
MIKE: E.T! HE FU*KING LOVES THAT FILM! AND YOU DELETED IT!
JOWETT: HE’S SEEN IT HUNDREDS OF TIMES!
MIKE: HE HAD PLANNED TO WATCH IT WITH JIM THE ROADIE! JOEL?
JOEL: I had planned that, yeah
JOWETT: Well I apologise, Joel
MIKE: TV planner Nazi!
JOWETT: Don’t turn this around on me! What’s this about you, planning to reveal to the press, your clothing label? The one with that stupid name
MIKE: (Tut’s) Oh come on! that was a joke!
JOWETT: It had better of been! What was the name of your ‘label’?
MIKE:………’Clothes From Outside The Gas Chamber’
MIKE: It’s okay, I wasn’t really going to do it
JOWETT: Better not do either
MIKE: Are you done?
JOWETT: NO! Joel, there is a rumor floating around that you accidentally gave your number to an undercover reporter posing as a fan, after a gig?
JOEL: Just a rumor mate
JOWETT: Sounds like something you would do
JOEL: Nah, I’m smarter than I use to be
MIKE: Christ, what did you use to be? A twig with Autism?
JOWETT: Ahh Err I’m sorry to any twigs with autism listening
RYAN: Why did you apologise for that?
JOWETT: ……I don’t know
MIKE: You have lost the plot
JOWETT: Right, let’s start this off properly now. Someone said they had an email they wanted me to read out?
JOWETT: Okay, here we are. Erm this is from Sarah. “Hello boys, I follow the blog every week and as a fan I have noticed you talk about cats a lot. I have a cat myself and it has just given birth to a litter of kittens. I was wondering if you would like me to send you one of them……” We don’t want anything to do with this! No chance!
MIKE: No way
JOWETT: Asking for trouble!
JOWETT: Right! Let’s start again! Ryan, you said you wanted to talk about something you heard on the news?
RYAN: Yeah. This sounds bizarre. The NSPCC, the charity for the protection of children, have set up a pedophile hot-line
JOWETT: Right, any news that Mike tells you, isn’t always going to be true
MIKE: This hasn’t come from me
RYAN: Nah I heard this on the radio. It is aimed at talking to and deter convicted pedophiles, who have served their time and been released from jail, from striking again
JOEL: My auntie used to ring up a similar hot-line, but for weight watchers. They gave her support with her diet
JOWETT: Oh my god
MIKE: Not quite the same, Joel “Hello? Is that the pedophile hot-line? Well, I just walked past 3 schools and didn’t go in a single one! YAY!”
JOWETT: That’s it for this week. I need a lie down
I have been informed that I might not be able to interview the lads next week, so, I have offered to write a post myself. I’m not yet sure what it’s going to be about, but I have offered to let the band come up with ideas. I will put it to the fans aswell. If you want to see a post on something specific then give me ideas. Keep following us on BlogLovin, Twitter and Facebook