Archive for October, 2011

Mike’s underachievements and awkward moments

Posted: October 26, 2011 in Band Conversations
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
36

JOWETT: Back again! Hello!

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Mike is just outside, talking to one of the management team. I was going to wait until he came back in the studio, but he is purposely taking his time, so we will start without him. You alright Ryan?

RYAN: Yes mate

JOWETT: Been up to anything interesting?

RYAN: Doctors, this morning

JOWETT: Why?

RYAN: Just registering with a new doctors

JOWETT: Oh ah? What was wrong with your old one?

RYAN: Well, I dunno. Just wanted to register with a better practice. My old one was unreliable

JOWETT: Oh. He kept cancelling appointments?

RYAN: Nah. But if your doctor ever Google’s your symptoms, it’s time to leave

Laughter

JOWETT: Yeah, fair enough. What did you have to do then?

RYAN: Just forms and stuff. questionnaires on how healthy I am

JOWETT: Right. Were you honest?

RYAN: Yeah pretty much. Well there was a question that said ‘How often after a night out, can you not remember anything’ and the options were Couple times a year, Couple times a month, or Couple times a week. Obviously the answer is a more than a couples times a week. But they don’t need to know that

JOWETT: (Laughs) I think they do mate. That’s what the questionnaire is for

Door opens

MIKE: Alright?

JOWETT: Decided to join us now?

MIKE: Yeah

JOWETT: What were you talking about?

MIKE: Management wanted me to re-work a track we recorded last week. I did it and they said it was worse than the first one

Laughter

JOWETT: Well do it again then

MIKE: Nah, if they can use the first one

JOWETT: Why did they want you to re-work it?

MIKE: Something about pushing it for a higher entry in the charts

JOWETT: And you can’t be bothered to do it again?

MIKE: Nope

JOWETT: (Tut’s) Look at him. The bar is raised and Mike limbo’s underneath it

Laughter

MIKE: Move it along

JOWETT: Who’s kid is that out there?

MIKE: Erm Paul’s I think

JOWETT: Eh? Paul isn’t black

MIKE: So?

JOWETT: Well….that child is

RYAN: His wife is probably black

JOWETT: She isn’t

MIKE:…….Should we call the police?

Laughter

JOEL: I think they adopted him

JOWETT: Ahh well that makes sense

MIKE: Sort of information we should know. Thought our management team were running a child trafficking ring for a second there

JOWETT: You ever thought about adopting a child, Mike?

MIKE: No mate

JOWETT: You know someone who adopts kids, don’t you?

MIKE: Err yeah. He is a record executive. He and his wife have adopted quite a few deprived children of different nationalities. I think they are collecting them until they get one from every country. Dinner time must look like a UN meeting

Laughter

PING

MIKE: What?

JOWETT: Just bordering on offensive, that was

MIKE: Hardly

JOWETT: I bet you didn’t do what I asked you to do for this weeks post either

MIKE: Coming up with an awkward moment?

JOWETT: That you have put yourself in, yes

MIKE: I have actually

RYAN: And me

JOWETT: Go on then, Mike

MIKE: I met a female fan after one of our gigs once

JOWETT: Wait wait wait…can this be published?

MIKE: Yeah yeah, don’t worry

JOWETT: G on

MIKE: So yeah, I met this girl after our gig. I think she was about 25. Randomly, she went through her hand bag and pulled out a paper snowflake and said “Look at this”. It had drawings on it and she was showing me them all saying “There is a picture of a horse, there is a star” etc. After she finishes showing me this paper snow flake I said to her “So does your carer know you are here?” As a joke. She looked at me for a few seconds and as she folded up the snow flake to put in her bag she said “Actually, one of the DOWN SYNDROME children I look after, made it for me”

Laughter

JOWETT: Oh god

MIKE: I know

JOWETT: Ryan?

RYAN: Err yeah. When I was at university, I was walking through the town center and this woman, working for a charity, stopped me. I knew straight away she was going to ask me to sign up for a charity donation, but being a student, I was skint, so I was thinking how to get away

JOWETT: Right

RYAN: She said “Firstly before I start, are you over 18?” So I thought here is my way out of this! So I said “Aww sorry im afraid im not” So she said “Are you in school then?” And I just went with it and said “Yeah, I am”

JOWETT: Tut tut

RYAN: So then she says “Why aren’t you in school now?” to which I replied, with a cheeky smile “Ah im skipping school, don’t tell anyone”. At this point, her face drops and she goes “Right. Well I work for a charity that works to help unprivileged children in poverty, to afford to go to school”

Laughter

RYAN: So then I had to stand there for a good 20 minutes while she lectures me on while I shouldn’t skip school

Laughter

MIKE: Brilliant

JOWETT: Right, time to wrap this up. Until next time!

 

 

funny blog, comedy blog

Mike’s assitants, Joel makes a claim and the boys ponder acting

Posted: October 19, 2011 in Band Conversations
Tags: , , , , , , ,
24

JOWETT: Hello!

RYAN: Hello

MIKE: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Here we are, back to normal

RYAN: Yep

JOWETT: Last week I did my own post…

MIKE: We know…..

JOWETT: Just like to point out that it got the highest number of likes we have ever had….

MIKE: We know…..

JOWETT: Most comments for any post we have ever made……

MIKE: ALRIGHT, IT STILL HURTS!

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughs) Okay. Anyway, we are chilled out this week. We have made up after the last interview

MIKE: Yeah we have. I’m not going to even mention how you have annoyed me this week. Because we are friends now

Laughter

JOWETT: Well you have brought it up now, so you might as well. I guarantee it’s going to be something ridiculous

MIKE: It’s not, actually

JOWETT: Well?

MIKE: I heard you have limited what I could have out of the mini-bar in the last hotel we stayed in

JOWETT: I simply suggested you didn’t need one. Just cutting down on expenses

MIKE: Where do you get off, Jowett? If I want a Twix, I’ll have one

Laughter

MIKE: I get hungry sometimes!

JOWETT: Loads of food was bought for you all! It was all in those bags on the bus!

MIKE: (Tut’s) I’m not eating that! It was all rubbish, I didn’t like any of it

JOWETT: Joel liked it

MIKE: I know, I saw the bags placed in front of him and he rummaged through it in a frenzy, grabbed a bag of Doritos between his teeth and squirreled off in to a corner of the room

Laughter

MIKE: And that’s because we hadn’t been fed. He was starving

JOWETT: This isn’t ‘Oliver’! You can feed yourselves!

MIKE: Just let me have my mini-bar, next time. Or else I’m gonna start a new feature, that I will do every week, called “What’s Jowett being a Nazi about this week”

Laughter

MIKE: Next week, Jewish people!

PING

Laughter

JOWETT: Anyway, while we have been away it was one of the managers birthdays, wasn’t it? Let’s call him Bob

MIKE: Yep. Bob’s 40th

JOWETT: I mean, you have known him for a long time now, haven’t you?

RYAN: Yeah

JOWETT: Bob has done a lot for all of you and turning 40 is quite a big birthday. He had to spend his 40th birthday away from his family because he was on tour with us

MIKE: Yeah

JOWETT: So you know, you thought as it’s a big birthday, you would do something special. So you…

MIKE: Fu**ed off for the day

Laughter

JOWETT: It’s touching

MIKE: We would have only ruined it. He didn’t want me around

JOWETT: Some say it’s because your still in a mood about the assistants he has hired for you

MIKE: Not at all. I mean the last two were definitely chosen to test me

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) What do you mean?

MIKE: You know what I mean. The second to last one had one arm

Laughter

MIKE: You knew that would throw me

JOWETT: Because you’re a horrible human being?

MIKE: NO! I defy anyone to keep it together when they walk in on their assistant balancing a muffin on the end of their stump

Laughter

JOWETT: Oh god, what did you say (Daft voice) “RIGHT! That’s it! Who put you up to this?”

MIKE: Pretty much

JOWETT: So what was wrong with the last one?

MIKE: SHE HAD ONE EYE!

Laughter

RYAN: (Laughing) She didn’t have one eye

MIKE: Well only one working one. The other would just stare out at an angle. I couldn’t help but look at it. Honestly when she turned up I thought “Ohh for ffffffff. Someone is taking the piss!”

JOWETT: I don’t see the problem. She could still do her job

MIKE: I’m not being funny, but I’m sure there were people as qualified as her, but with two working eyes. You would choose the person with full eye sight, not Pop….. the other one

JOWETT: No no sorry? What were you about to call her?

MIKE: Nothing

JOWETT: You weren’t about to call a woman with one eye, ‘Popeye’? were you?

Laughter

MIKE: I have said my bit

JOWETT: Okay, let’s move on. You alright, Joel?

JOEL: Yeah, mate

JOWETT: You wanted to make a claim about something

JOEL: Yeah, I saw something yesterday, that I bet no one else has seen

RYAN: You know this is gonna be good

JOWETT: Go on

JOEL: I saw a squirrel being sick

Laughter

MIKE: I really wanted him to tell him to shut up then, but the worst thing about this, is that I think he’s right

JOWETT: I know, I have never seen that. Where was this?

JOEL: The park outside the hotel. It was at the base of a tree, with one arm resting against the tree, just throwing up

Laughter

MIKE: (Daft voice) “Oh my god (sick noises) that nut was off”

JOWETT: Well…well done. Keep us updated on other animals that you have seen being sick. We will m…..

JOEL: Do you know how frogs are sick?

JOWETT: (Sighs) How?

JOEL: They throw up their stomach first, then they dig out all the sick, then swallow the stomach again

Laughter

MIKE: (Sceptical) That’s not true. It rummages through its stomach like a little bag?

JOWETT: Mmm it doesn’t sound right, mate. You never saw Kermit doing…. LEAVE IT!

Laughter

MIKE: I wasn’t gonna say anything!

JOWETT: Good! Anyway, I heard one of you is going to do a voiceover for an advert or something, is this true?

MIKE: Nah, no one wanted to do it

JOWETT: Why? You get good money for things like that these days!

RYAN: Didn’t fancy it

JOWETT: Ever thought about doing acting?

MIKE: Nah

JOWETT: Why? Some of the biggest musicians have been in films. Michael Jackson for one!

MIKE: Was he?

JOWETT: Yeah

MIKE: Like what?

JOWETT: Ermmm he was a scarecrow in a film, that scared kids I think

MIKE: No mate, that was his private life

Laughter

PING

JOWETT: ….Goodbye

Laughter

 

 

 

 

 

Jowett’s post: Taking a deeper look at Cartoon characters of the 90′s

Posted: October 12, 2011 in Jowett's Posts
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
130

Howdy! Normally I would post a conversation with the lads in the band, but due to a mental work schedule, I have been left without one this week. So I thought about what I could do in place of a conversations of cat’s, puppets and other stuff that will inevitably get us sued. I consulted the band and they reckon I should write my own post. I wasn’t too keen on the idea but when Mike, in a brilliant bit of reverse psychology, said “There’s not much point in doing one without us, it wont get much attention” I decided to do one anyway.

In keeping with the theme of destroying the memories of childhood hero’s for many people I decided to take a look at Cartoon’s of the 90′s. I know, this has probably been done to death, but I am going to put a slight slant on the idea. I am going to look at what these cartoons really meant

So I’m going to jump straight in to it

POKEMON

I really got in to Pokemon, it was great. But, like many of these cartoons, until you step back at a later age and think about what it really was, you wont realise its a bit wrong. Here is a summary of what I see now when I think of Pokemon

‘It’s about a world in which people capture animals and make them fight other animals for badges’

Which, if I’m not mistaken, with or without the badge reward system, is illegal. If I wandered around my local park with a chimp under my arm that was armed with a knife, and offered to battle it against some random bloke walking his pit bull, I would be arrested. Cock fighting is illegal as well as many other types animal fighting, so why is Pokemon alright? They never go in to the darker side of the Pokemon world where medicine is being tested on them and different shades of eye shadow “Oh look! the shampoo has gone into Pikachu’s eyes, he doesn’t seem to like it. NEXT BOTTLE!”

JOHNNY BRAVO

Now, it doesn’t take a lot of effort to realise why this was a bit dodgy, but I will sum it up anyway

“It’s about a sex addict, that sounded like Elvis, best friend was a little girl and spends every day hassling and perving on women“

When you are 11 years old, you don’t think about why this concept is definitely too mature for us. You just think “I’m a bit bored of him failing to chat up women and dedicating the gym to only the upper half of his body”. And what was the deal with his relationship with that little girl? She was always around! But to be fair, he did seem to not like that girl when she was around. An aspect that was carefully looked at by the writers when considering a relationship between a pervert and a little girl

    SCOOBY-DOO

Apart from the obvious drug references I wanted to point out something else. They made this cartoon so Scooby-doo could talk…sort of. You just take it for granted that ‘because he’s a dog, that’s the best he is going to be able to talk’. Until they introduced ‘Scrappy-doo’ who could talk with PERFECT DICTION!

This just made me think “Well…..what’s wrong with his uncle? Was it the drugs? Was it a stroke?”

So basically, Scooby-doo was

“A dog with a speech impediment”

Scooby was subsequently taken off these kids by the authorities. Turns out Fred used to kick him

It was the last straw after several counts of wasting police time for emergency calls about ghosts

                                                                                                                             COW AND CHICKEN

This one was a one-off. It was the only cartoon I watched as a 12-year-old and thought “…………This aint right”

A cow and a chicken, brother and sister. I remember it even baffled and confused my dad so much he told me not to watch it again…..

 

      FREAKAZOID

Literally

“A bloke with ADHD“

Not so much a super hero, more as a bit of a tool with attention deficit disorder. No one ever said  ”Well clearly, this lad is ill” “No he’s not! He’s a bit of a character!”

It wasn’t classed as that when I was in school, he would have had to have taken medication

                                               

     

                                                                                                                                                    DEXTER’S LAB 

Dexter’s Lab was a good cartoon, but like the others, had deeper theme’s. This cartoon was basically

“A bit of a loner, has no friends and spends all his time in his room”

They cut off this cartoon before it got to the episode where he walks in to his school with a gun and shoots everybody before turning the gun on himself

His sister went on to give talks on bullying

That’s all the one’s I could think of. If you can think of others, don’t hesitate to join in!

If you miss the band’s ramblings then you can catch an interview we did earlier in the week with H. E. ELLIS here

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CHEERS!

Just a massive bust up

Posted: October 5, 2011 in Band Conversations
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
25

JOWETT: Hello

RYAN: Hello

MIKE: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Apologies again, for the lack of posts but we have been busy. Everyone is a little stressed, I’m feeling the strain

MIKE: Can say that again

JOWETT: Sorry?

MIKE: Nothing

JOWETT: No go on?

MIKE: Well you have been moody as f*ck, lately

JOWETT: I’m stressed! You lot don’t help!

MIKE: Don’t jab you’re finger at me, Jowett! We haven’t done anything!

JOWETT: You bloody have! Out of interest, which one of you keeps leaving threatening, joke voice mail messages on my phone?

MIKE: Why?

JOWETT: Because I liked it. Thought it was funny

MIKE: That was me

JOWETT: RIGHT! I’m going to the police. It’s harassment. It’s not funny.  Anyway, let’s start this interview

MIKE: (Tut’s)

JOWETT: What?

MIKE: I thought you were going to praise me for my funny message. You started this interview like you were running a local radio competition and then turned it into a threat! (Daft voice) “If you’re car registration number is A555 WJK then I would bail if I was you because I’ve attached a bomb to the engine”

Laughter

JOWETT: Well you have all been useless this last week. None of you co-operate. Management are loosing their rag with you. Trying to manage you is like trying to organise a flash mob with monkeys

Laughter

JOWETT: You can tell when Mike is in one of those ‘I’m going to wind everyone up’ moods

MIKE: HOW!?

JOWETT: Because you always walk around singing that boyz 2 men song “End of the road”  in an upbeat way! Your evil!

Laughter

MIKE: We haven’t done anything wrong! YOU stress us out!

JOWETT: How?

RYAN: You do keep deleting our TV shows off the TV planner!

JOWETT: I deleted ONE by accident and some others said you had already viewed them!

MIKE: Ryan may have seen them but I haven’t! Or Joel! Joel, what film didn’t you get to watch because Jowett deleted it?

JOEL: E.T

MIKE: E.T! HE FU*KING LOVES THAT FILM! AND YOU DELETED IT!

JOWETT: HE’S SEEN IT HUNDREDS OF TIMES!

MIKE: HE HAD PLANNED TO WATCH IT WITH JIM THE ROADIE! JOEL?

JOEL: I had planned that, yeah

MIKE: SEE!

JOWETT: Well I apologise, Joel

MIKE: TV planner Nazi!

JOWETT: Don’t turn this around on me! What’s this about you, planning to reveal to the press, your clothing label? The one with that stupid name

MIKE: (Tut’s) Oh come on! that was a joke!

JOWETT: It had better of been! What was the name of your ‘label’?

MIKE:………’Clothes From Outside The Gas Chamber’

Laughter

PING

MIKE: It’s okay, I wasn’t really going to do it

JOWETT: Better not do either

MIKE: Are you done?

JOWETT: NO! Joel, there is a rumor floating around that you accidentally gave your number to an undercover reporter posing as a fan, after a gig?

JOEL: Just a rumor mate

JOWETT: Sounds like something you would do

JOEL: Nah, I’m smarter than I use to be

MIKE: Christ, what did you use to be? A twig with Autism?

Laughter

PING

JOWETT: Ahh Err I’m sorry to any twigs with autism listening

Laughter

RYAN: Why did you apologise for that?

JOWETT: ……I don’t know

MIKE: You have lost the plot

JOWETT: Right, let’s start this off properly now. Someone said they had an email they wanted me to read out?

Pause

JOWETT: Okay, here we are. Erm this is from Sarah. “Hello boys, I follow the blog every week and as a fan I have noticed you talk about cats a lot. I have a cat myself and it has just given birth to a litter of kittens. I was wondering if you would like me to send you one of them……”     We don’t want anything to do with this! No chance!

Laughter

MIKE: No way

JOWETT: Asking for trouble!

Laughter

JOWETT: Right! Let’s start again! Ryan, you said you wanted to talk about something you heard on the news?

RYAN: Yeah. This sounds bizarre. The NSPCC, the charity for the protection of children, have set up a pedophile hot-line

JOWETT: Right, any news that Mike tells you, isn’t always going to be true

MIKE: This hasn’t come from me

RYAN: Nah I heard this on the radio. It is aimed at talking to  and deter convicted pedophiles, who have served their time and been released from jail, from striking again

JOEL: My auntie used to ring up a similar hot-line, but for weight watchers. They gave her support with her diet

JOWETT: Oh my god

Laughter

MIKE: Not quite the same, Joel “Hello? Is that the pedophile hot-line? Well, I just walked past 3 schools and didn’t go in a single one! YAY!”

Laughter

PING

JOWETT: That’s it for this week. I need a lie down

I have been informed that I might not be able to interview the lads next week, so, I have offered to write a post myself. I’m not yet sure what it’s going to be about, but I have offered to let the band come up with ideas. I will put it to the fans aswell. If you want to see a post on something specific then give me ideas. Keep following us on BlogLovin, Twitter and Facebook

Cheers