Archive for September, 2011

Joel’s Dream, Disloyal cats and the truth about Perez Hilton

Posted: September 28, 2011 in Band Conversations
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
26

JOWETT: Here we are again! You alright lad’s?

RYAN: Yeah

MIKE: Yep

JOEL: Yeah

JOWETT: We got a good response from the last post. People liked Joel’s review of Aladdin. A lot of people, on the email, were surprised about Mike getting wound up because Joel kept getting the monkeys name wrong. He kept calling him Apu from The Simpsons, instead of Abu. But people didn’t expect Mike to know the name’s of Disney characters!

MIKE: Well, I know my cartoon monkeys!……not that I’m saying Apu is a…

JOWETT: You should probably stop there

MIKE: (Laughs) Yeah

JOWETT: Anyway, Joel, I heard you talking to Ryan about a dream you had but I made you stop and save it for this, so take it away

JOEL: Erm it was weird

JOWETT: I don’t doubt that

JOEL: Well I was at home with my family sat around the dinner table and one by one they just exploded

Laughter

JOEL: And I thought ‘Oh that’s IT!’

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) Yeah. When family members start exploding, it’s time we start to look at they way we are living our lives!

JOEL: That’s was it really, I woke up after that

JOWETT: Bizzare

MIKE: I just like the idea of the look on his face while his family members blew up around him and he just sat there a threw a mild tantrum “Well you have just ruined this meal now, the atmosphere is terrible”

Laughter

JOWETT: You had another weird dream before didn’t you?

JOEL: What was that?

JOWETT: Something about a music festival? I think you said you were camping  at a music festival and there was a torrential storm with flooding and you said hundreds of people died?

JOEL: Oh yeah. And my tent got wrecked!

Laughter

JOWETT: Anything else you want to talk about

RYAN: Errmm I was talking to my ex girlfriend, right

JOWETT: Yeah?

RYAN: And she said “You talk about cats a lot on that blog. I don’t like cats” so I said why and she said “They aren’t very loyal”. So I asked her to explain what she meant and she said “When my Nan moved house, her cat refused to move with her”

Laughter

JOWETT: What?

RYAN: (Laughing) Her Nan’s cat refused to move with her

MIKE: How spoiled is that cat? You just put it in a box and bring it with you. ”Come on Tibbles, let’s go” (Daft posh voice) “Err no I don’t think so, I’m going to stay here, thank you very much!”

Laughter

MIKE: “No no come on now, in to the cat basket” “NO! I wasn’t consulted about this! I haven’t seen the house! I don’t know the area! I’m staying!”

Laughter

JOEL: I have just got an image of the cat holding on to the to the door frame with its claws and her Nan trying to pull her off it

MIKE: Can you imagine when she finally gets it to the new house “See Tibbles! It’s nice isn’t it?” “…I hate you”

Laughter

JOWETT: Yeah that is stupid, but please, no more cat stories

RYAN: Sorry

JOWETT: You will all probably be reincarnated as cat’s, after you die, as payback

MIKE: (Tut’s) No I wont

RYAN: Well you wont. You will come back as Kermitt’s rectum

Laughter

MIKE: For what? I’m just telling people what they need to know, those Muppet’s aren’t able to expose whats happening to them. Miss Piggy isn’t being spoken for. Poor little sod can’t even write an autobiography about her pain

RYAN:(Laughs) Write one for her

MIKE: Okay

RYAN: What would you call it?

MIKE: Errrm ‘This little piggy went to court’?

Laughter

JOWETT: Right, stop it. I want to talk about our position in the comedy blog charts

MIKE: Where are we?

JOWETT: Fourth mate, but we want third. Perez Hilton is above us

MIKE: Oh ah. Perez ‘The Racist’ Hilton

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) Yeah him. What do you make of him?

PING

MIKE: I probably shouldn’t

JOWETT: Why?

MIKE: Because of the PING

JOWETT: Mmm I didn’t hear anything…carry on

Laughter

MIKE: Why are you about to let this happen?

JOWETT: I want this blog  to be top of that humor chart

MIKE: Well , the humor chart yeah?

JOWETT: Yeah

MIKE: Well, I heard that, Perez Hilton thought ‘Schindlers List’ ….was a comedy

PING

Laughter

MIKE: He has a punch bag with the faces of black comedians on it

PING

Laughter

MIKE: He sat watching ‘American History X’ nodding and smiling

PING

JOWETT: Okay okay stop it now. Enough of that smear campaign, that will do. I better wrap this up. management do NOT look happy. Until next time!

Well, as probably predicted I have to point out that Perez Hilton is not racist and does not think Schindler’s list is a comedy nor does he sit ‘nodding and smiling’ while watching ‘American History X’. But please keep singing up to Bloglovin and Twitter

Not quite finished. If you want more from the lads, we did two new interviews. One with H. E. ELIIS and another with Randomville.com

Cheers!

Mike is being watched and Joel’s film review returns!

Posted: September 22, 2011 in Band Conversations
Tags: , , , , , , ,
28

JOWETT: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Hello, Mike?

MIKE: What?

JOWETT: Why are you staring out at management

MIKE: Because they started staring at me for some reason

JOWETT: So you thought you would stare back, yeah?

MIKE: Yeah

Laughter

JOWETT: They all do seem to be staring at you

MIKE: I don’t know why they are doing it

JOWETT: They are probably just keeping an eye on what you are gonna say, with their finger above the PING button

MIKE: I haven’t said anything that bad in ages

JOWETT: You said that thing about Miss Piggy and Brian Henson

MIKE: (Tut’s) So?

RYAN: I know they didn’t like it

MIKE: Really?

RYAN: Yeah

MIKE: Well I have an update on Brian Henson

JOWETT: Don’t do it you idiot

MIKE: Right, err Kermit was jealous of what Brian did to Miss Piggy, so he slept with Brian’s wife, she had a child but maintained that it was Brian’s, but Mr Henson was suspicious (daft voice) “I keep coming home to find our child sat in the middle of the stairs playing the BANJO signing errr ‘It’s not easy being greatly unloved’. And WHAT is the deal with his eyes? They are like fu**in PING PONG BALLS!

Laughter

MIKE: “And when he laughs his arms flail about! I swear to god, Mary, if he ‘welcomes me to the Muppet show’ once more I wont be held responsible for my actions!”

Laughter

MIKE: There is more to the Henson Corporation than meets the eye! I’m just a whistle-blower! Kermit fought for his rights to see that kid, he dressed as batman and tied himself to the London eye

JOWETT: Mike, stop it

MIKE: NO! What about Beaker!?

Laughter

MIKE: The poor bastard! He obviously had a speech impediment or maybe even a disability, but he was ignored!

JOWETT: (Laughing) They didn’t even bother to press the PING button. They just sat shaking their heads. That was unnecessary though. Were you awkward and spiteful when you were little?

MIKE: Mmm yeah, my mum says I was. She reckons if I could have done, I would have been born holding a pool cue sideways

Laughter

MIKE: Anyway, I don’t know what they are worried about. What are Jim Henson Productions gonna do? They aren’t Disney! Now them I’m scared of! That’s why I’m against this film review Joel is going to do. Careful what you say, Joel

JOWETT: Stop talking about Muppet’s now, the last few posts have been too Muppet-heavy

MIKE: Muppet-heavy was Big Birds nickname

JOWETT: MIKE! SHUT UP!

Laughter

JOWETT: Anyway, Joel is going to do a review of Aladdin. Take it away Joel

JOEL: Right, there is this evil wizard called Jafar and his parrot who need a magic lamp from a cave. They need a tramp to go into this cave to get this lamp.

JOWETT: Already a PC nightmare, go on

JOEL: Well not necessarily a tramp, they said a ‘diamond in the rough’ so that could be anyone with a problem or a character flaw, so drug addicts, people with odd beliefs

JOWETT: I don’t know where to start. Hitler had ‘odd beliefs’ was he a ’diamond in the rough’?

MIKE: (Laughs) Yeah yeah, that’s what they call pedophiles in prison and why they get a hard time in there “You Fu**kin diamond in rough! Like children do ya!”

RYAN: Mangement have handed me a peice of paper that says ‘stop making controversial understatements’

JOEL: So, anyway, they find a tramp with a pet monkey called Apu…

MIKE: Abu mate, Apu is the indian shopkeeper from The Simpsons

Laughter

JOEL: Yeah, he had happened to become mates with the princess, Jasmine, which gets him bang in trouble and he get’s arrested because the guards think they he is trying to kidnap or rape….

MIKE: NOOOOO!

Laughter

JOEL: Anyway while he is in prison, Jafar, disguised as an old man, releases Aladdin and Apu from prison

MIKE: Abu!

JOWETT: Leave it

JOEL: Anyway, he leads them to the Cave. Before he goes in to the cave the tiger-shaped head of the cave says to touch nothing but the lamp. Aladdin and Abu enter the cave, they find a magic carpet and it guides them to the lamp. Apu tries to steal a ruby causes the cave to start collapsing,

MIKE: (Apu impression)”Thank you, come again!”

Laughter

JOEL: The carpet flies them to the entrance. As Aladdin tries to give the lamp to Jafar, he tries to kill him. But Apu bites Jafar and gets the lamp back as he, the carpet and Aladdin fall back into the cave just as it closes. In the cave. Aladdin rubs the lamp, out comes Robin Williams, who reveals he will grant Aladdin three wishes. Aladdin decides to use his first wish to become a prince so he can chat up Jasmine

Laughter

JOEL: Aladdin returns just as Jafar tries to trick Jasmine’s old man into arranging a marriage between himself and Jasmine. Jasmine isn’t into Aladdin at first but then she falls for him. Afterwards, Aladdin is captured by Jafar and thrown into the ocean, but Robin Williams rescues Aladdin as his second wish. Aladdin returns to the palace, kicks off and Jafar legs it after noticing the lamp in Aladdin’s pocket. The parrot steals the lamp and brings it to Jafar, who becomes Robin Williams new master. He uses it to become powerful and stuff. Aladdin comes back swinging and beats him and Aladdin marries Jasmine

Laughter

JOWETT: Well……Mike, thoughts?

MIKE: I think Walt’s head is spinning in its fridge

Laughter

JOWETT: I liked it

RYAN: That sounded patronising

JOEL: It did a bit

JOWETT: Nah, I may to talk to you like you’re stupid sometimes but

JOEL: I never say anything to warrant that though

JOWETT: Oh get out! Come on Joel

JOEL: It reminds me of my ex ex girlfriend. She used to talk to me like I was stupid

JOWETT: (Laughs) Yeah? Give me an example

JOEL: Ermmm before I met her family for the first time at a BBQ, she cornered me and said “When you talk to them, don’t make any jokes about disabled people, they won’t like it”

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughs) Ahh brilliant. Yeah fair enough, gotta give you some credit haven’t you

JOEL: I think so

JOWETT: Okay let’s wrap this up! Until next time!

An investigation is underway and a man dresses as a school girl

Posted: September 19, 2011 in Band Conversations
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
26

JOWETT: Hello!

RYAN: Hello

MIKE: Evening

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: There is a bit of an investigation going on in the camp, isn’t there?

RYAN: Yeah

JOWETT: Someone has wrote Bean Bag’s name in his ‘Death Note’ book with death by “Realisation that he is a retard”

Laughter

MIKE: You have gotta laugh

RYAN: I heard him ask if he can put suspects under citizens arrest

Laughter

JOWETT: Oh dear. I suppose if any of you get arrested again then it’s your final strike isn’t it?

MIKE: …..I think we are safe on this one

JOWETT: So it was you then?

MIKE: Nah it wasn’t me

RYAN: He told me the other day that the army wouldn’t let him enroll because he failed as medical and physical test

MIKE: When did he say this?

RYAN: He was wiping out a ant’s nest by pouring boiling water over it, out the back of the venue the other week

JOWETT: Oh for fffff

RYAN: What?

JOWETT: PETA!

RYAN: They don’t care about ant’s

MIKE: (Laughs)(Daft voice, miming pouring water) ”Look at them all, working together as a team……..bastards”

Laughter

JOWETT: Joel is the only one that has a ‘cleanish’ record anyway, aren’t you?

JOEL: Yeah, the last time I got in trouble was a while back

RYAN: Yeah the last time you were arrested they wanted to put you under house arrest didn’t they

JOEL: Yeah

RYAN: But you got the last laugh didn’t ya?

JOWETT: Why?

MIKE: He didn’t have a house

JOEL: BOOM

Laughter

MIKE: But this is ridiculous. They are treating it like a murder investigation

RYAN: You’re dad was questioned in a murder investigation wasn’t he?

MIKE: (Tut’s) Why have you said that?

JOWETT: Has he really?

MIKE: He was yeah, but every male on that street was

JOWETT: Explain

MIKE: A woman was found, strangled, in her house so every male on that street was questioned. Even my uncle that lived a few houses down was questioned

JOWETT: Yeah?

MIKE: Yeah. He lived alone at the time with his pet cat called Graham.

JOWETT: Why did he call it Graham?

MIKE: Because it was grey and it ate ham for its dinner

Laughter

JOWETT: Fair enough

MIKE: Anyway, the police came in to his house and said “Do you live alone?” and he said “Yeah”. So before they questioned him, he was making them a cup of tea on his own in the kitchen and Graham must have been in the way or something because my uncle said “Get out, Graham!”. So the police heard that and said”Who’s Graham? You said you lived alone! GET GRAHAM OUT HERE! WE WANT TO TALK TO GRAHAM!” and my uncle said “You can’t, he’s just jumped over the back wall”

Laughter

MIKE: They thought some guilty bloke called Graham had legged it

JOWETT: That’s brilliant

MIKE: I know. He said they shot off in embarrassment as soon as they realised Graham was a cat

JOWETT: Well that’s a weekly cat story quoter filled. I have a story from the news that I want to talk about. ‘Man breaches order banning him from dressing like a school girl in public’

Laughter

JOWETT: “Peter Trigger, 62, was given a five-year ASBO in December 2008 banning him from wearing a skirt or showing bare legs on school days between 8.30am and 10am and between 2.45pm and 4pm”.

MIKE: (Laughs) His lawyer must be tearing his hair out “What did I tell you?” “Err I’m not allowed to wear a skirt or show bare legs during school times” “So what were you doing in a MINI SKIRT DURING SCHOOL HOURS!?”

Laughter

JOWETT: They really do their best to avoid calling him a pedophile, in this story

MIKE: This doesn’t mean he’s a pedophile

JOWETT: He is trying to hang out with kids!

MIKE: (Tut’s) SO!? Michael Jackson use to regularly hang out with kid’s, so if your calling Michael Jackson a…….ah yeah I see your point

Laughter

PING

JOWETT: “Northampton Magistrates’ Court heard that Trigger, from Thorplands, Northampton, was alleged to have been near a school in the town in June wearing a girl’s school uniform – including a skirt, and a Northampton Academy blazer”

MIKE: That’s a committed pedophile. He has dressed up in the exact school uniform for the school that he is hanging around outside, trying to blend in

RYAN: Where did he get the blazer from? Like he must have said “Can I have a Blazer please?” “Okay, what is the width of your child’s shoulders?” “Err bigger than usual…….growth spirt”

Laughter

JOWETT: “Colin McGregor, prosecuting, said Trigger had been charged with breaching the first condition of his ASBO which bans him from wearing a skirt”

Laughter

JOWETT: “Mr McGregor said: ‘He was described as wearing a girl’s school uniform with the distinctive bright blue Northampton Academy blazer in the particular area at the relevant time.’Trigger, who appeared in court wearing a black wig” (Laughs) Like a disguise

MIKE: Or he is just sticking with the school girl thing. I like to think he stayed in character through the trail, trying to convince them he is a school girl but failing miserably. He turned up looking like Britney Spears and his lawyer just sat there with his head in hands (Daft Voice) “I promise I’m a school girl! My name is Lindsay, im 13 and I like glitter and shit” he just breaks character when he says “shit”

JOWETT: “’Trigger, who appeared in court wearing a black wig denied breaching his ASBO and has elected for a trial at the magistrates’ court next year”

MIKE: (Daft voice) “Nooooo I wasn’t breaching my ASBO. It wasn’t a skirt, It was a belt” And then he winks at the jury

Laughter

JOWETT: Right that’s that. Let’s wrap this up! Untill next time! Goodbye

Keep signing up to everything if you haven’t done already. Also if you want to hear more from the lad’s, we did an interview with H. E. ELLIS…take a look!

Old School Batman, Ryan Makes a Mistake and TV Characters Raiding Shops

Posted: September 15, 2011 in Band Conversations
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
24

JOWETT: Hello

RYAN: Hello

MIKE: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: You are reading the 4th best rated Comedy Blog in the UK! I’m here with the lads. How are we all? Ryan is annoyed, isn’t he?

RYAN: (Laughs) He is yeah, made a fatal mistake

JOWETT: What did you do?

RYAN: Doesn’t matter, just can’t believe I’ve done it

JOWETT: It’s okay, your only human

RYAN: No mate, that saying is Bollocks, “Everyone makes mistakes, that’s how we know we are human”…no, I already knew I was human, I didn’t need to prove it to myself by overdosing my mum’s cat

Laughter

MIKE: (Laughs) If there was ever a euphemism..

RYAN: Don’t

JOWETT: So what have you done?

RYAN: I’m looking after my mum’s cat while she is away and I have to give it medication for it because it keeps being sick, but I over did it and now…well….it seems to be able to laugh

Laughter

JOWETT: Laugh?

RYAN: Yeah, it didn’t seem to work so I upped the dosage and it slept for like, days

Laughter

JOWETT: Oh god!

RYAN: And now makes this manic noise, normally in the middle of the night, its terrifying

JOWETT: (Laughing) Christ

MIKE: How did you give it the medication?

RYAN: Just put it in it’s drink…I mean water

Laughter

MIKE: Look at that Freudian slip! you have done this before! Why are you trying to spike your mum’s cat? Can’t you pull the cat like normal perverts?

RYAN: Shut up

MIKE: (Daft voice) “I tried to flirt with it by making fun of her, saying it’s breathe smelt, but she was clever, she saw through me”

Laughter

MIKE: “Look at you, you tease…… I see your bowl is empty, another drink?”

JOWETT: RIGHT! Stop it now. We are already being monitored by PETA because of Bean Bag. What’s wrong with you lot and cats!? Joel’s cat self harms because it depressed!

Laughter

 JOWETT: Are you alright Joel? Heard you have been watching Batman?

Laughter

JOEL: I was watching old school Batman episode, with Adam West

JOWETT: Did you? Did he like it?

Laughter

MIKE: I liked the old school Batman

JOWETT: Did you? Favourite episode?

MIKE: Err the one where Alfred developed Alsheimers

JOWETT: This didn’t happen

MIKE: It did, they found him wandering around the ‘Bat Cave’ with no underwear, looking lost  ”Holy senior dementia, Batman, I’m not qualified to deal with this!”

Laughter

JOWETT: Right look at this news story ‘Man in Gumby costume fails Miserably in store robbery’

MIKE: Whats ‘Gumby’?

JOWETT: Erm It’s an American, children’s show character from what I gather

MIKE: Okay

JOWETT: “The clerk of the 7-Eleven store where the claymation character showed up just after midnight early Monday did not think too much of the green life-sized TV figure standing before him demanding money” (Laughs) didn’t think much of the life-sized TV figure (Daft voice) ”Is this is a robbery? Your costumes terrible! you’re not getting a penny!”

Laughter

JOWETT: “Gummy was accompanied by a plainclothes man, who is seen on surveillance video entering the store behind his costume-clad friend”

MIKE: So one of them decided to get a disguise while the other didn’t? I’d like to see the moment when they met at the spot before the robbery ”You said you werent going to wear a disguise!” “Argghhhhh It was a last-minute decision, I PANICKED!”

JOWETT: “The store clerk ignored the life-size Claymation character, telling him he could not waste time with jokes because he had to clean up the store, according to San Diego Police spokesman Detective Gary Hassen”

Laughter

JOWETT: How demoralising must that be for someone carrying out a robbery when the bloke behind the counter goes “Get out of here you tinker! What are ya like ay!?”

Laughter

JOWETT: “According to Hassen, investigators believe that it was a man wearing the Gummy costume “You don’t think this is a robbery? I have a gun,” Gumby said during the robbery, fumbling inside his costume to find his weapon, according to Hassen.

Laughter

JOWETT: “However, the would-be robber was only able to find loose change instead of a gun, dropping 26 cents on the floor. Gumby and his plainclothes Pokey took off in a minivan after realizing their plan had been foiled…by the costume” (Laughs) (Daft voice) “You don’t think this is a robbery!? RIGHT! I’VE GOT……26 cents, I’ll be on my way and we will say no more about it ay?”

MIKE: The thought of him struggling inside his costume, trying to get a gun while his mate stands beside him trying to look menacing is hilarious. There must have been a moment where he realised he couldn’t get to it and just stopped and had to whisper to his mate after huffing and puffing “I can’t…I can’t get it” “Well do something, he already thinks we are a joke!” “I’ve got 26 cents, shall I throw that at him?” …….”let’s just leave”

Laughter

JOWETT: “The clerk described gumby as a green ‘Spongebob Squarepants’ as he wasn’t familiar with the green TV character (Laughs) (Daft voice) “Who are you supposed to be? Spongebob Squarepants?” “WHAT!? I’M CLEARLY GUMBY, YOU MORON! THAT’S IT I’M LEAVING!”

JOWETT: “The clerk did not report the encounter, but his boss informed police after viewing the surveillance tape several hours later. “It doesn’t matter if a potential robber is wearing a ski mask, a bandana, a hoodie or a big, green head-it’s still a disguise,” Hassen said.”

MIKE: Very true! but that sounds like a few people have tried to rob that shop and after reviewing the CCTV footage, his boss has had to say to him”That man that came in demanding money wearing a big green head, well, just like the people before him wearing ski masks and the ones before them wearing bandanas, it was another disguise”

Laughter

JOWETT: Right I best wrap this up. Untill next time!

Keep signing up for Facebook, Twitter and Bloglovin if you haven’t already done so. And vote for us for the Bloggers choice awards! You can find all the links on the left! And a massive thank you for helping us reach 4th spot in the UK top humor blogs and top 120 in the world! much appreciated! One day we will clinch top spot!

Abusing Muppet’s and a Drunken Elk

Posted: September 12, 2011 in Band Conversations
Tags: , , , , , , ,
38

JOWETT: Hello!

MIKE: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Ryan, what was the phone call about, just?

RYAN: Erm apparently a complaint has been made about one of the roadie’s for being rude on the phone to someone from events management

JOWETT: Really?

MIKE: Do they have the name of the person?

RYAN: Apparently not, he wouldn’t give them his name. Apparently he just sounded strange

MIKE: Right, you’re sacked, Bean Bag

Laughter

JOWETT: We have had more comments and email’s asking about Bean Bag and when he will be back. People miss him

RYAN: Weird

JOWETT: Mmm I think he makes people feel better about themselves. But he will be back at some point, he will get his moment

MIKE: In court

Laughter

JOWETT: Erm do we have a film review?

JOEL: Afraid not. I know one I want to watch though

JOWETT: Go on?

JOEL: The Muppet Movie

JOWETT: (Tuts) Seriously?

MIKE: Sorry, were you expecting him to say the kings speech?

JOWETT: (Laughs) Yeah fair enough. The Muppet’s haven’t been around in ages

JOEL: I know, what have they been doing?

JOWETT: They aren’t real, mate. They have been in a box or on a coat hanger for the past few years

MIKE: Imagine if it turned out that they were real?

JOWETT: Well, you will never find out

MIKE: Yeah I will, just cut into Kermit, see if he screams

Laughter

JOWETT: This is why you never got that job at Jim Henson Productions, suggesting ideas like that

MIKE: “Now on the Muppet Show, The Muppet centipede”

JOWETT: (Laughing) Oh my god!

Laughter

JOWETT: Doesn’t Jim Henson’s son carry on the Muppet’s these days? Brian Henson?

MIKE: Yeah, I think he does it apprehensively though. He was jealous his dad spent more time with Kermit than him, so he beats up Kermit (Daft bitter voice) “Dad prefered YOU!” I bet he did that damage to Tiny Tim, its why he had a bad leg

Laughter

PING

MIKE: I bet he took advantage of Miss Piggy aswell, she has had three of his children that he has probably kept quiet

Laughter

JOWETT: Id like to take this opportunity to say Brain Henson does not abuse his Muppet’s

Laughter

JOWETT: Anyway I want to talk about this story I saw in the news. It has been covered to death but I thought it was funny so I’m going to discuss it with you

MIKE: Go on…

JOWETT: ‘A homeowner in southern Sweden got a shock when he found a drunken elk stuck in his neighbour’s apple tree. The moose was apparently on the hunt for fermenting apples when it lost it’s balance and became trapped in the tree. Per Johansson, from Saro near Gothenburg, found the elk making a roaring noise in the garden next door. He called the emergency services, who helped him free the boozed-up beast by sawing off branches. She spent the night recovering in the garden’

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughs) It’s good, isn’t it? Imagine finding that in your back garden. An pissed up Elk tangled in a tree

JOEL: It said it went hunting for fermented apples?

JOWETT: Yeah

JOEL: So did it know it was going to get it drunk?

JOWETT: I wouldn’t have thought so, Joel. I don’t think he had just had a hard day

JOEL: You don’t know that

MIKE: “My wife has left me, hit me with another apple” “I think you have had enough mate”

Laughter

JOWETT: I like this bit “The next day she took herself off into the woods with her hangover”. (Laughs) Like it woke up in the morning and went “Christ my head! What happened to me last night? What are all these people doing around me? Ahh im off in to the woods, I can’t face people today”. The story goes on to say “Drunken elk are not an uncommon sight in Sweden during autumn, when there are plenty of apples about. Other residents of Saro had seen the elk on the loose in the preceding days”

MIKE: Like it was freshers week?

JOWETT: (Laughs) Yeah. Okay Let’s wrap this up. Goodbye from us all here!

We are still looking for people interested in doing an interview with the lads, if you are, send us an email! Also keep signing up to the Twitter and Facebook pages. We are also on Bloglovin so follow us on that to help us get to the top of the humor chart!

Joel is back! But will he win the right to stay on the blog?

Posted: September 8, 2011 in Band Conversations
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
13

JOWETT: Hello again!

MIKE: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOWETT: JOEL IS BACK!

Cheering from around the room

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: How are you mate?

JOEL: Better now

JOWETT: Good good. As you know, in your absence, Bean Bag has been filling in for you

JOEL: Yeah

JOWETT: There were some rumours, sparked by Mike, that he had killed you and turned you into a rug

Laughter

MIKE: I never said rug, just kidnapped

JOWETT: Well either way, your back

JOEL: Yeah

JOWETT: However! A lot of people loved Bean Bag as a guest on this and BB himself has suggested he should carry on taking your place

JOEL: Right

JOWETT: We thought about it and decided, in the interest of fairness, to put you through a quiz. If you pass the quiz you will retain your place and Bean Bag will go back to spending his lunchtime at the home for abandoned cats

Laughter

JOWETT: Okay?

JOEL: Err yeah. What are the questions on?

JOWETT: Just one’s we came up with, some are stolen from the Weakest Link I think. I’m confident you will do okay. But, in the interest of fairness, we will be fair to Bean Bag and help you

JOEL: Okay

JOWETT: Okay first question. Hallie Berry was in a film called ‘Monsters ……..

JOEL: INC?

Laughter

JOWETT: YEP! Next question. What was the name of the child in the ‘Jungle Book’?

JOEL: Errr (Pause) Jim?

Laughter

JOWETT: Yeah yeah, finally, who was the second person to walk on the moon?

JOEL: Ah! Errrr b b buzz err buzz….

JOWETT: Yeah?…

JOEL: Buzz, Buzz (Pause) Buzz Lightyear?

Laughter

JOWETT: Yes! It is! Welcome back Joel, you have retained your space on this blog!

RYAN: Honestly thought he was going to get that last one

MIKE: And me

JOWETT: Ahhh back to normal. Right I wanted to talk about the last post

MIKE: Which bit?

JOWETT: Well In the last post we talked about the modern cultural issue’s missing from ‘Harry Potter’

MIKE: Yeah, while you were gone, Joel, we talked about high brow stuff!

JOWETT: Get out Mike! Your contribution was claiming that “Iraqi looking wizards, jumping barriers at train stations would get shot”

Laughter

MIKE: I never said ‘Iraqi looking!’

PING

Laughter

MIKE: I DIDN’T SAY IT!

JOWETT: WHAT DID YOU SAY THEN?

MIKE: …..’black mate’

JOWETT:  Anyway I was going to say, that we forgot to mention that the character ‘Dumbledore’ was gay

MIKE: (Tuts) Shut up

JOWETT: He was mate, J K Rowling admitted it! I mean they didn’t discuss it in the book or films

Laughter

JOWETT: They never had a scene where Dumbledore was in a string vest and leather hot pants hanging around outside public toilets

Laughter

MIKE: It never came up in the book? The other wizard teachers never said anything?

JOWETT: (Laughs) No mate, they were quite liberal

MIKE: So are you saying being gay is an issue ? Oh you make me sick!

JOWETT: Shut up, it’s not an issue. I’m just saying, it’s a modern factor. 1 in 3 people are gay, so she thought ‘Well I better make one of them gay’ and therefore chose the dominating father figure of thousands of children in a school

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughs) Look at management with his hand hovering over the PING button wearing a confused look on his face trying to decide wether there was something wrong with that last sentence

MIKE: Made some comments today haven’t you!

JOWETT: Behave!

RYAN: To be fair, Mike, you have spent the week trying to ‘out’ one of our technicians

JOWETT: What?

RYAN: He has decided one of our technicians is a closet homosexual

JOWETT: Who? And based on what?

MIKE: Callum, and based on the fact the evidence is stacked against him!

JOWETT: For legal reasons can you just point out that you haven’t got a problem with him being gay

MIKE: Well obviously. But I think he is but he’s hiding it. I’m honestly just trying to get him to be himself!

Laughter

JOWETT: Pfft come off it

MIKE: Nah Iv got a bet on with someone

JOWETT: Well he doesn’t look gay. For the readers Callum is a chubby lad with longish brown hair. Give me reasons for you suspect him to be gay

MIKE: He likes ‘Westlife’

JOWETT: Fair enough

Laughter

JOWETT: I’m joking, you can’t base it just on that fact

MIKE: Erm he get’s his eyebrows waxed

JOWETT: Mmmm

MIKE: AND! He has his nipple pierced. When I called him on it and said it’s gay, he said “It’s not gay, Nathan off One Tree Hill has his nipple pierced”

Laughter

MIKE: Saying THAT makes you gay

JOWETT: This sounds like bullying

MIKE: Whatever! I remember once you said he looked like a diabetic Justin Bieber!

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) that’s not true

MIKE: It is

JOWETT: Stop it now, leave that lad alone and let’s move on. I’m going to try to claw back some normal innocent chat. Erm, Ah, on Twitter, someone I was following was asking people what is their favourite romantic movie scene of all time. Mike, a chance to redeem yourself, what is your favourite romantic movie scene? Show your nicer side

MIKE: Erm (Pause) The shower scene in ‘Schindler’s..

JOWETT: RIGHT THAT’S IT FOR THIS POST!

Laughter

PING PING PING

JOWETT: IT’S OKAY IV’E GOT IT! It’s goodbye from everyone here, maybe forever thanks to Mike. Maybe we will see you next week! Goodbye!

Thank you once again for reading. I think if there was ever a post to be considered for the freshly pressed page IT’S THIS ONE! absolutely no swearing at all! Keep following us on Twitter and Facebook, you can find the links on the left hand side of the page. Also sign up to follow us on Bloglovin, we are climbing the Humor chart rapidly and want to get to the top! We are also looking at doing exclusive interviews for other people to put on their blogs, maybe as a band or individually. The intervew will be exclusive to your blog only and you will get to ask the questions, anything you want. If interested, sign up and express your interest!

Discussing the cultural issue’s missing from Harry Potter

Posted: September 5, 2011 in Band Conversations
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
16

Get On the Band Wagon!

JOWETT: Well, we are back again! I’m here with the lad’s. We found Joel, turns out he was ill at home and no one thought to ring him. He is still a bit ill so standing in for him, once again, is Bean Bag

BEAN BAG: Can you stop calling me that, its offensive. If you want to give me a nickname, call me ‘sensei’ after my samurai background

MIKE: Nah that’s not gonna happen, Beanie Bag

Laughter

BEAN BAG: I suggest you do

MIKE: Why? We have got more security now pal, you go near me and some great big bald f**ker will fold you up like origami

Laughter

JOWETT: I think the deal is, Mike, is that your nicer to him, now you have more security. Joel didn’t get this much abuse. And also I must point out to Bean Bag that the security isn’t because of him

MIKE: No no, we have another roadie that resembles a bead filled cushion that threatens to kill or f**k us, it’s for him

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) Michael, please. Anyway, we have a few items to get through on this post. Mike has compiled his own quiz for us to do and also, because we have missed Joel’s film reviews, we have got Bean Bag reviewing a film, which is…

BEAN BAG: ‘Harry Potter’

JOWETT: Bet you loved that!

BEAN BAG: Not really, not my thing

MIKE: Course It is

Laughter

JOWETT: You don’t like Harry potter?

BEAN BAG: No

JOWETT: Well, you do surprise me. I’ve seen them all, Mike and Ryan have seen the odd one so aren’t that familiar with it so I will fill the gaps where necessary. Come on then, let’s have the review, what’s wrong with the film?

BEAN BAG: Well I think children’s films should have an underlying message or teach them about modern issue’s. I don’t think Harry Potter has anything like that running through it

JOWETT: Right, what modern issue’s do you think it should cover?

BEAN BAG: Immigration

Laughter

RYAN: How? (Daft voice) “Bloody house elf’s coming over here, stealing our women, running Taxi services”

Laughter

BEAN BAG: Okay then, what about terrorism?

JOWETT: Well that would have been a different film if terrorism was covered. All of them sat on the Hogwarts Express, happily buying chocolate frogs while in the next carriage someone pulls a rip cord from their chest shouting “Praise Allah”

Laughter

MIKE: Harry’s black mate decides to jump the barrier at platform 9 3/4 so police put a bullet in his head

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) OHHH DEAR! I have just been handed a piece of paper from management that just simply says ‘Stop it’

Laughter

JOWETT: Too much controversy for the Ping to handle. Anyway, Mike, let’s get this quiz rolling

MIKE: Okay. I was thinking for what to base this quiz on, and after asking around about Bean Bag, I have decided to base the quiz on him

JOWETT: Right

MIKE: Only one question though, but it’s tricky

JOWETT: Go on

MIKE: I’ve heard that, in total, you had six pet cat’s

BEAN BAG: Yeah

MIKE: Well my question to Jowett and Ryan is, what happened to them?

RYAN: Christ, how long have we got?

Laughter

JOWETT: Not really a question, more of a police investigation. No offense

BEAN BAG: None taken, I have nothing to hide

JOWETT: What do you mean, what happened to them? Are they all gone?

MIKE AND BEAN BAG: Yes

JOWETT: The RSPCA will kick the fu**in door down, Mike. Is this wise?

MIKE: Just write down what you think what happened to them. Individually

JOWETT: Never gonna this right

MIKE: Actually, he has mentioned the deaths of all of his cat’s before

RYAN: Are any of their deaths unusual?

MIKE: Surprisingly, no

JOWETT: Okay I’m just gonna go have a stab in the dark

MIKE: Okay I will read out the answer. Road, Ant Powder, Road, Ran Away, Pond, Road

JOWETT: Arghhh I actually got a few of them right

MIKE: What did you say?

JOWETT: Either run over, ran away or poisoned

MIKE: Ryan?

RYAN: Unless Road, Ant Powder and Pond are sex positions, I got it wrong

 Laughter

BEAN BAG: Too far. I’m not happy about this

JOWETT: Aww he doesn’t mean it. You need to lighten up. Have you been on holiday this summer?

BEAN BAG: Yes I went to a fantasy holiday camp

JOWETT: What’s that?

BEAN BAG: It’s a bit like a week-long version of capture the flag, but more intense. You live in a camp with your team and have to take over the rival camp. It’s brilliant, you get to use weapons and you could come under fire at any time

MIKE: Christ, who do you book your holidays with, Al-Qaeda?

Laughter

JOWETT:  I think we better wrap this up

BEAN BAG: I want to point out, the ones that died, I had nothing to do with the death’s

JOWETT: Sure sure. Anyway, no offense to Bean Bag, but we hope Joel is better for the next post

BEAN BAG: None taken

JOWETT: Until next time! Tra!

BEAN BAG IS BACK! Joel is missing (Disclaimer: Not Linked)

Posted: September 1, 2011 in Band Conversations
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,
12

Get On the Band Wagon!

JOWETT: Hello!

MIKE: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOWETT: Joel is missing, like properly missing.

Laughter

JOWETT: It’s not really funny, we haven’t spoken to him in two days. We can’t even use this to ask people to look for him because it’s anonymous, the irony. So to replace him in this post, which is no way related to the disappearance of Joel, we have BEAN BAG!

BEAN BAG: Hello

JOWETT: You have even come prepared with a game you would like to play in this post, is that true?

BEAN BAG: Yeah

JOWETT: OKay we will get on to that a bit later. In the meantime what have you been up to since we last spoke to you?

BEAN BAG: Not a lot

JOWETT: Do you go out much? Like drinking? I imagine you’re a bit of a character once you have had a few down you?

BEAN BAG: I don’t actually drink

JOWETT: Really?

BEAN BAG: When you’re drunk you’re reactions are affected and your guard is down. The last time I drank there was an incident in which there might have been a biting

JOWETT: A biting?

BEAN BAG: I can’t remember the full details of what happened that night but according to the police reports there was a biting

MIKE: I heard you got into a turf war with a squirrel

Laughter

JOWETT: (Nervously Laughing) Michael, don’t. Anyway, have you not been up to anything else?

BEAN BAG: I have been restoring an old bike in my spare time, in my shed

JOWETT: Hmm really, what else is in this shed?

BEAN BAG: Bits and pieces

MIKE: Of Joel?

Laughter

JOWETT: Ohhh dear

BEAN BAG: No

MIKE: Where was Joel on your list?

JOWETT: Stop grilling him!

MIKE: Just interested!

JOWETT: let’s play your game, move this along

BEAN BAG: Okay, it’s a mini quiz I have devised, I came up with them a few minutes ago. Thought it would be a good idea to fill the post instead of news

JOWETT: ……Okay

BEAN BAG: I have given you all pieces of paper and a pen so you can mark down your answers

JOWETT: Yep, you have questions there for us?

BEAN BAG: Yeah

JOWETT: Take it away then!

BEAN BAG: Okay, first question. three ways to completely dispose of bone

MIKE: pfffft

JOWETT: Errr okay, next one

BEAN BAG: What is the capital city of Norway?

Pause

JOWETT: Next one

BEAN BAG: The Suffolk Strangler, Steve Wright, was convicted of five murders on the 22nd of February 2008 (Pauses) who really did it?

MIKE: F**k me

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) Whats up?

MIKE: I’m just eyeing up the exits, mate! Don’t worry about me

BEAN BAG: Which is the fifth planet from the sun?

Pause

JOWETT: Next one

BEAN BAG: Finally, what caused the death of approximately 800,000 people in Africa in 1994?

JOWETT: (Laughing) Right

BEAN BAG: Once you have written down your final answer I will take them off you and add up the scores

Ryan Laughs

JOWETT: What?

RYAN: Mike’s answer to every question is ‘Bean Bag’

BEAN BAG: Childish. So I caused the death of 800,000 African’s then?

JOWETT: Don’t answer that. Who won?

BEAN BAG: Errm (Pause) No one

JOWETT: Everyone got the questions wrong?

BEAN BAG: It appears so yes

Laughter

BEAN BAG: I thought this might happen so I have prepared a tie-break question. Who ever answers this question first, wins

JOWETT: Okay

BEAN BAG: In 2009 Mattel celebrated the 50 th anniversary of Barbie…

MIKE: Ay?

BEAN BAG: As part of a series to celebrate the toy’s 50 th birthday, Mattel brought out a Barbie doll based on which German politician?

MIKE: Goebbles?

BEAN BAG: No

RYAN: Goering?

BEAN BAG: (Sounding fed up) Why? Why would they base a Barbie doll on a Nazi?

RYAN: I dunno, it’s your question!

BEAN BAG: Forget it, im not playing anymore

MIKE: Ooooooo

BEAN BAG: Don’t wind me up

Laughter

JOWETT: Don’t Mike. let’s change the subject. Erm I wanted to ask, do you have a…partner at the moment?

BEAN BAG: No

JOWETT: Did you use to? I heard from some of the other roadie’s you did, but broke up?

BEAN BAG: Well yeah but we broke up

JOWETT: Ah, was it bad?

BEAN BAG: I didn’t let it phase me

JOWETT: Mmm I was told about it actually

BEAN BAG: Told what?

JOWETT: That after it…..you were so heartbroken you couldn’t even look your cat in the eye

Laughter

MIKE: If that cat could talk!

BEAN BAG: Well it can’t because it’s dead. Suppose I could have asked it why it ran out in front of that car

MIKE: THREW itself in front of that car

Laughter

JOWETT: Oookay then! Let’s finish this. Hopefully Joel will be back next week! So until next time! Goodbye!

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