Archive for August, 2011

Get On the Band Wagon!

JOWETT: Hello!

MIKE: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Firstly I need to ask about something that I heard Joel say earlier

RYAN: What?

JOWETT: Well I heard him say something like “One of you has stolen the laces from my shoes”

Laughter

JOWETT: And then Ryan said “Stop it, remember the band member who cried MULTH”. What’s MULTH?

RYAN: Well a few months ago Joel made some accusations that he couldn’t back up. MULTH stands for Mike is Unessesairly Leaving me THreats

Laughter

RYAN: He reckoned Mike was leaving him threatening messages but when we asked to see them, so he could back up these claims, he reckoned Mike had taken them back

JOWETT: (Laughing) How? How did he get them back?

JOEL: He asked for them back

JOWETT: So you gave them to him?

JOEL: Well yeah

Laughter

MIKE: Ridiculous isn’t it?

JOWETT: Well yeah, I mean it sounds suspect, but I think there might be some truth in it

MIKE: Nah, no proof!

JOEL: It is true, I was going to keep them and show you but he said he really needed them back, so I gave them to him

Laughter

JOWETT: Okay, You are an idiot, Joel. In future, keep the threats, even if he asks for them back

JOEL: Okay

JOWETT: Anyway, here is a story from the news. ‘Paintball bursts breast implant’

RYAN: (Disgusted) Eurgh what?

JOWETT: Well “A woman is recovering after her breast implant burst when she was shot in the chest during a game of paintball. The 26-year-old’s soft gel implant ruptured under her skin when the ball hit her breast at 190mph”

MIKE: Christ

JOWETT: “It caused UK Paintball, which operates more than 50 facilities nationwide, to insist that women with breast implants wear extra chest protection. The company’s standard indemnity form now points out that paint balls can damage breast implants” (Laughs) Sounds like they have put that on their advertisement campaigns ‘UK PAINTBALL, NOW SO POWERFULL IT WILL BUST YOUR FAKE TIT’S!

JOWETT: “At first she thought it was just a painful bruise. But when she went to see a doctor a few days later, he revealed the force of the impact had torn the implant. A UK Paintball spokesman said “Part of the fun of paintball is that it hurts a bit when you get shot”

RYAN: I bet a lot of people get more than just hurt at UK Paintball

MIKE: Mmm sounds like they have to constantly trawl out that sentence (Daft voice) “Being hurt in paintball is half the fun!”

Laughter

RYAN: (Daft voice) “Trips and falls are half the fun!”

Laughter

RYAN: (Daft Voice) “Introducing the odd real bullet, is half the fun!”

PING

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) Yeah yeah okay, I must point out that UK Paintball don’t introduce “The odd real bullet”. Anyway I will finish it off, the spokesman said “The incident has been a real wakeup call and nobody should ever feel worried for their safety during a game of paintball. But it’s worth remembering that having bigger breasts will make you an easier target for your enemies.”

MIKE: obviously

JOWETT: Yep. Anyway there is another story that caught my eye. ‘Cross-eyed possum goes into retirment’

MIKE: This news you keep reading out, is for idiots

JOWETT: Well, do you want to tell us your thoughts on Gaddafi?

MIKE: Who?

JOWETT: Exactly. “Heidi the cross-eyed opossum is being put into retirement at the ripe old age of three-and-a-half to save her from the stress of her celebrity lifestyle” (Laughs) Celebrity lifestyle?

RYAN: Celebrity lifestyle!? Have they sent it to rehab?

MIKE: (Daft voice) It was crazy time’s man, I was doing my own body weight in crack and my relationship with one of the pussy cat dolls went tit’s up and then of course I punched a photographer

Laughter

JOWETT: It says “The mad-eyed marsupial became a worldwide sensation from her enclosure at Leipzig Zoo, Germany, when pictures of her appeared on the internet”

RYAN: What? I’ve never heard of it

JOWETT: ‘Hundreds of thousands signed up to become her Facebook friends and she even had a stint at co-hosting an Oscars show in a live TV link-up with Hollywood. Now keepers say she must withdraw from public life so she can enjoy what’s left of her life in peace and quiet. Zoo spokesman Fabian Schmidt explained: “Heidi’s lifestyle could have contributed to her problems so we have put her into retirement.”

MIKE: Ridiculous, we are living this lifestyle and prostitutes never made Ryan cross-eyed

RYAN: (Tuts) Shut up

JOWETT: Your just jealous because this Possum is more famous than you

MIKE: Pfft behave

JOWETT: Well have you ever presented the Oscars? Well then. “Heidi is even to be separated from her breeding partner Teddy to save her from being bothered” (Laughs) In case what? Teddy tries to get it to sell its story to the papers or appear on Oprah?

Laughter

JOWETT: Anyway, Let’s end this here. Until next time! Goodbye!

MIKE: Tra!

RYAN: Bye

JOEL: Bye

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Get On the Band Wagon!

JOWETT: Hello!

MIKE: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Well! Just got back from Paris haven’t we!

RYAN: Yep

JOWETT: Good wasn’t it! Did all the cliché stuff, saw all the sights and that, when we had time off. Eiffel Tower, saw the Mona Lisa, went to Notredam. Mike was annoyed that Notredam didn’t look exactly like the cathedral in the Disney film

MIKE: Mmm I swear there are steps leading up to it in the film, no steps in real life

JOWETT: I know I know, still impressive though!

RYAN: Yeah, no hunchback though

JOWETT: No, I know

MIKE: Well, actually, we went to a shop on the other side of the river from Notredam and we saw a hunchback bloke in there, homeless looking, buying gin!

Laughter

MIKE: I thought he had been evicted and it had hit him hard or something

JOWETT: Yeah, I remember Joel looking at him in wonder and amazement. Joel actually just treated that trip as an opportunity to get his french international cap, to tick off his list

JOEL: I don’t know what your on about

JOWETT: (Laughs) Come on now. when we were on that boat-bus across the river and you were sat next to that girl who was on her own, you were all over her!

JOEL: She was on her own! I felt sorry for her!

JOWETT: I felt sorry for her mate! Don’t worry about that!

Laughter

RYAN: Suppose it makes a change for the last few girls you were with in England

JOEL: What you mean?

RYAN: Well, have you volunteered to help some charity or something? Because there have been something wrong with the last few. One of them talked a bit slowly

JOEL: (Tuts) I’m not gonna highlight the problem she had, I liked that girl

MIKE: Mmm there is a sorta quiet dignity about the deaf

Laughter

JOWETT: Mike and Ryan did seem to gang up on Joel a lot during our time in paris. I think you both feel threatened by Joel

JOEL: Definitely. They are more scared of me than I am of them

MIKE: No mate that’s spiders

Laughter

JOWETT: Anyway, Bean Bag came along as usual didn’t he, kept himself to himself. The other roadie’s have been acting unusual since we outed BB, haven’t they?

MIKE: Yeah a bit. I’m worried he has given other roadie’s ideas and now they are all making lists and eventually rise up and revolt like the planet of the apes

Laughter

JOWETT: Mmm do you think that might have been slightly offensive? comparing our dangerous roadie’s to monkeys?

MIKE: Nah, well we will see wont we, when next week this blog is run by ‘Tattoo Jim’.

JOWETT: Speaking of ‘Planet of the apes’ Joel, has reviewed the new film but we will get to that in a min. Erm let’s look at some topical things. There was a hurricane. Hurricane Irene

MIKE: Daft name

JOWETT: I suppose, Irene isn’t really a threatening name is it. You wouldn’t associate a name like Irene with destruction

MIKE: Definitely not

JOWETT: Go on then, name it

MIKE: Well you would go with something a bit threatening but ultimately not scary. I’ve got it, ‘Hurricane Chris Brown’

JOWETT: NO!

MIKE: But it only smashes up the home’s of female pop singers, women refuge centre’s

JOWETT: Stop it! where’s the Fu**ing Ping!?

MIKE: And chat show dressing room’s

JOWETT: Management really need to be on the ball when he starts rants like that. Where was the warning Ping?

RYAN: You asked him the question!

JOWETT: Yeah well, let’s move on. Erm, there is set to be a Michael Jackson memorial concert with pop stars doing tribute acts for him

MIKE: What’s this for?

JOWETT: To celebrate the life of Jacko I imagine, Mike

MIKE: WELL!

JOWETT: Don’t do it

MIKE: Just saying, if they are celebrating his life, there should be some balance

RYAN: (Laughing) Like what, Michael?

MIKE: Off the top of my head?

JOWETT: NO!

RYAN: Yeah

MIKE: Erm they should act out Macaulay Culkin’s repressed childhood memories on stage and give the proceeds to a chimp sanctuary

PING

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) Ohhh dear. Joel, do your review

JOEL: Okay. Right. A scientist tries to come up with a cure for Alzheimer’s and has to test out his cure on monkeys. This cure ends up making the monkeys organised

Laughter

JOWETT: Yeah go on

JOEL: One of them steps out of line so they are all seen as too dangerous and so they are all killed except for one that goes to live with the scientist until he attacks someone and has to be sent back to the lab and live with the new monkeys that are being experimented on. While they are there, that evil youth out of ‘Harry Potter’ abuses them

MIKE: What, Ralph Finnes, Voldamort?

JOEL: No

RYAN: Ron?

JOEL: No!

JOWETT: Ron wasn’t evil!

RYAN: Well I dunno!

MIKE: Who did Alan Rickman play?

JOWETT: JOEL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FINISH IT!

JOEL: Anyway this lad teased them, the organised chimp, Caeser, got pissed off and gave the organised gas to the other monkeys and basically, they rioted, smashed up stuff until they got to a park

JOWETT: So the scientist made this cure and it gave the monkeys human intelligence?

JOEL: Yeah, at the end the scientist goes to the park, where they are all kickin about, to reason with Caeser and Caeser goes (Monkey voice) “Caeser is home”

Laughter

MIKE: He said that did he?

JOEL: Yeah

MIKE: (Laughs) Like, in that film, he would have realised that the world is ultimately fu**ed. But if I was him and I had come up with this virus and the monkey had just SPOKE and said “Caeser is home”. Part of me would of thought “……im a fu**kin GENIUS!”

Laughter

JOEL: I’m pretty sure I sponsor a chimp at some zoo ya know, I pay money each month

JOWETT: Do ya?

RYAN: No, he thinks he does,  it’s just child support that he’s paying for

Laughter

JOEL: No it’s a monkey and this film has given me an idea. The monkey is technically mine, so I’m gonna take him home and train him up!

JOWETT: It doesn’t work like that mate, it’s not like a child you can pull out of school, take him home and feed him Smarties in the hope he will become smarter, because I know that’s what you were thinking

Laughter

JOWETT: Right I’m wrapping this up! Until next time! Goodbye!

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Get On the Band Wagon!

JOWETT: Hello!

MIKE: Hello

RYAN: Howdy

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Errm to start off I was just looking at Twitter. P. Diddy left an inspirational quote type thing on Twitter. “Never sacrifice who you are just because somebody has a problem with it. Be you. Always

MIKE: Well, unless your prison psychiatrist says otherwise, then you should probably stop

Laughter

JOWETT: Yeah in those instances you probably shouldn’t, If any nutcase, P.Diddy fans have seen that he’s probably just undoing years of psychiatric treatment to stop them thinking it’s okay to walk down the street and lunge at strangers with scissors

Laughter

JOWETT: Also there was another trending topic ‘Replacing movie names with Voldemort’

MIKE: Is he out of  Harry Potter?

JOWETT: Yeah. Can you think of any good one’s?

MIKE: Erm, which actor played him?

JOWETT: Ralph Finnes, I think

MIKE: What other films has he…..I’VE GOT ONE!

RYAN: You will regret asking him this

MIKE: ‘Voldemort’s list’!

JOWETT: What? I don’t unders…..oh! OHHHH FOR FFFF

Laughter

JOWETT: Mike there, thinking it’s funny to place a fictional evil wizard in a film about the holocaust

PING

RYAN: Do you reckon Bean Bag has ever been to a psychiatrist?

JOWETT: Mmm for those who haven’t read the last post, ‘Bean Bag’ is one of our roadie’s. We interviewed him last week and he came out with some unusual stuff, so we might keep him out of future interviews

Laughter

JOWETT: Unless people want to hear more from him. We should probably keep updated on where you all are on the list!

MIKE: We didn’t need to ever know about that! Now we are all looking over our shoulders! And why did you tell him I said that stuff about him!?

JOWETT: Was funny

MIKE: I’m gonna tell him you have said stuff about him

JOWETT: Fine, I have already done something worse (Laughs)

MIKE: Oh my….what have you done?

JOWETT: (Laughs) Well Bean Bag strikes me as a sorta ‘Mark Chapman’ type nutter so I gave him a copy of ‘Catcher in the rye’ with post-it notes in various parts that just say your name

Laughter

MIKE: That’s not even funny

RYAN: He is the sort of person to do that though

MIKE: definitely! Like I said before, I could see his mug on the evening news and the headline ‘Roadie suicide bomber levels a cinema during a screening of Planet of the apes’ because he thought it was a documentary or something

Laughter

MIKE: He is an ideal target for recruitment for Al-Qaeda, no one would suspect him and he’s nuts

JOWETT: Mmmmm

MIKE: (Laughs) Not gonna join me on my conversation about recruiting terrorists?

PING

JOWETT: I think that noise has answered that question for you MOVING ON! Have you seen that new ‘Planet of the apes’ film? anyone?

MIKE: Nah we haven’t

JOWETT: Or me, I’ve read good things about it though. It’s a prequel isn’t it?

RYAN: I think so yeah

JOWETT: Mmm so Helena Bonham Carter was just a glint in a chimp’s eye at this point

RYAN: (Laughs) Yeah. It’s about her ancestors rioting

JOWETT: Well maybe we can get Joel to review it. Anyway..

MIKE: I want to talk about Ryan’s rapping

Laughter

JOWETT: What about it?

MIKE: It’s doing my head in, he walks around with his headphones on, rapping to himself. And even when he isn’t listening to it, he does it anyway

JOWETT: I don’t see the problem

MIKE: It’s awful

RYAN: It’s not! I’m good at rapping mate! Remember that time we met Kid Cudi in that studio! He said I was good!

JOWETT: Did he?

MIKE: Mmm he said it as he hurled a bottle of Captain Morgan’s at the wall and walked off crying

Laughter

RYAN: Shut up

JOWETT: Well I don’t see a problem with it so im moving on

RYAN: What about Joel’s upcoming interview with that magazine?

JOWETT: What?

MIKE: Oh yeah, he is going to be interviewed about his life and how he got into music etc. He said “I’m going to talk about my hard up-bringing and poverty”

Laughter

JOWETT: You are joking?

MIKE: Nope

JOWETT: Joel, you didn’t grow up in the Ghetto mate

JOEL: Well it is sort of ‘Rags to ritches’ story

MIKE: No mate, ‘Slags to riches and more slags’ maybe

Laughter

RYAN: You weren’t even in trouble when you were younger, Mike was the little scum bag

MIKE: YOU WHAT?

RYAN: Mate you were terrible when you were younger

MIKE: You calling me a hooligan?

RYAN: Well…if the balaclava fits, mate

Laughter

MIKE: (Tuts) Well I was poor growing up!

RYAN: (Laughing) I know!

MIKE: It’s not funny! You were practically destitute anyway! People used to break into your house and leave money, just to take the piss!

Laughter

RYAN: That’s not true

JOWETT: Look, stop bickering! I have a story here ‘Man hits 12yr old daughter at her own birthday party’

Laughter

JOWETT: The Daughter of this bloke apparently tried to restrain her father after he threatened other guests with a broken bottle. So he turned round and dropped her

Laughter

MIKE: She was only 12?

JOWETT: Yeah

MIKE: That will lead to psychological problems when she’s older. She will probably grow up to like that

Laughter and groans

JOWETT: Ohhh Mike! Right I’m not taking this any further. I’m ending it here! Until next time! Goodbye!

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Get On the Band Wagon!

JOWETT: Hello!

RYAN: Hello

MIKE: Howdy

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Well! As promised, we are joined by the famous roadie! Or as Mike refers to you as, ‘Bean bag’!

MIKE: (Laughs) That’s not true

JOWETT: definitely is. Wasn’t it Ryan?

RYAN: (Nervously) Err

Laughter

JOWETT: Right, everyone seem’s scared to talk about this so I’m gonna throw myself into it. Apparently, you are a bit eccentric mate?

BEAN BAG: In what way?

JOWETT: Well, I have seen you on various gig locations but never spoke to you. But apparently, and I’m gonna use ‘apparently’ a lot for legal reasons, but you have a list of people, from the tour team…that you would like to sleep with…in order

BEAN BAG: Yeah?

JOWETT: Yeah (Pause) And am I right in believing that there are men AND women on that list?

BEAN BAG: Yeah. But the top three ARE women

JOWETT: Of course they! Your not weird or anything!

Laughter

JOWETT: So out of interest, are the band on it?

MIKE: Don’t do this

Laughter

JOWETT: Why?

MIKE: Just don’t, I would like this professional relationship we have with bean…with our best roadie to stay professional

Laughter

BEAN BAG: Well actually they all are yeah

MIKE: F**k’s sake!

JOWETT: (Laughs) Good stuff! Can you reveal where they all are on this list of?

BEAN BAG: Twenty

JOWETT: Yeah, where are they on this list of twenty?

BEAN BAG: They are all about mid-table

JOWETT: Right

BEAN BAG: Mike was higher, but I was told he had been making remarks about me, so he has slid down the table..

MIKE: Good

BEAN BAG: Towards the kill zone

Pause

JOWETT: Sorry, what?

BEAN BAG: Well I realised a lot of the team would annoy me as well, so I decided to make the list reversible. If you flip the list upside down, it becomes my kill list

Pause

BEAN BAG: Don’t worry, it’s all hypothetical

JOWETT: Right, this whole interview is a legal nightmare

BEAN BAG: It’s just a joke really, most roadie’s have them….probably

Laughter

JOWETT: Erm yeah it’s all obviously a bit a joke, I understand

RYAN: Do you?

JOWETT: No, not really

Laughter

JOWETT: Erm, you have a ‘Death Book’?

BEAN BAG: Yeah, It’s from a Japanese comic called ‘Death Note’. It’s brilliant

JOWETT: Yeah, erm what do you do with this book then?

BEAN BAG: Well, you write the name of you enemies in the book and then they will die

JOWETT: Yeah, erm you like other comic’s?

BEAN BAG: Yeah

JOWETT: Yeah, Comic book film’s?

BEAN BAG: Yeah

JOWETT: Catwoman?

BEAN BAG: Actually, no. Why?

JOWETT: No reason

Laughter

JOWETT: Do you have any other interesting fact’s about yourself?

BEAN BAG: Erm I trained as a Samurai, briefly

Laughter

JOWETT: Briefly? Watching ‘Kill Bill’ doesn’t count

BEAN BAG: Yeah, for a few months, I learnt how to move without making a noise

MIKE: (Laughing) Course he did

JOWETT: Are you an assassin or something?

BEAN BAG: (Laughs) I wish. I suppose I could do if I really wanted to

JOWETT: Yeah, your wasted as a roadie. You could take people out for us!

BEAN BAG: Who?

JOWETT: No one really it was…..

BEAN BAG: I would need two weeks’ notice

JOWETT: No mate it was just a joke….

BEAN BAG: You probably couldn’t afford me

JOWETT: No (Pause) Probably not. Erm tell us a bit more, what makes you tick?

MIKE: The bomb he eventually wears strapped to his waist when he takes out a shopping centre

Laughter

JOWETT: Your brave!

MIKE: I know, I take it back

JOWETT: Ermm, Did you go to College?

BEAN BAG: Yeah

JOWETT: What did you study?

BEAN BAG: History

JOWETT: Oh right, you interested in any particular part of history or people?

BEAN BAG: Oh I’m interested in all the great iconic people in history

JOWETT: Churchill?

BEAN BAG: Stalin was better

JOWETT: (Confused) Right

BEAN BAG: Mao Tse-Tung

JOWETT: Who’s that?

BEAN BAG: Chinese leader from 1945 to 1976, massacred millions of people while in office

JOEL: Ooh show off! (Pause) I mean because he knew that fact…I didn’t mean the Chinese bloke that murdered all those people

Laughter

JOWETT: I’m sensing a running theme here. Anyone else? (Quietly) that murdered a lot of people

Laughter

BEAN BAG: Loads. Not just leaders though. I like other famous figures as well.  Erm, (Pause) Jack

JOWETT: Kerouac?

BEAN BAG: The Ripper

JOWETT: Course

Laughter

BEAN BAG: I do a bit of writing too

JOWETT: Yeah?

BEAN BAG: Yeah I write a journal, keeps my ideas and stuff

JOWETT: Ideas?

BEAN BAG:  Yeah. My thoughts about everything. I’m currently making notes on immigrants

MIKE: Sorry, Are you re writing ‘Mein Kampf’?

PING

JOWETT: (Laughs) OOOKAY THEN! I think we have heard enough. Until next time, It’s goodbye from everyone here!

Get On the Band Wagon!

JOWETT: Here we are again! Hello

RYAN: Hello

MIKE: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Just looking at Twitter, one of the trending topics is ‘replacing movie names with bacon’. JOEL! replace a movie name with bacon, quick!

JOEL: Err Bacon

Laughter

JOWETT: What? No, you are supposed to replace a film name with bacon

JOEL: Yeah i did

JOWETT: ….What was it?

JOEL: Crash

Laughter

JOWETT: Yeah I don’t think that’s the point

Laughter

JOWETT: Erm anyway before we start I would like to read out my favourite comment we have had on this blog, Ahem “Well done….avoid Plymouth”

Laughter

RYAN: (Laughing) Did someone really leave that?

JOWETT: (Laughing) Yeah

MIKE: Sounds like a half arsed threat (Daft voice) “I don’t want to commit to this threat because I can’t be bothered so I’m not gonna say stay away from Plymouth, just try to avoid it”

JOWETT: Yeah. Anyway I have a few things to talk to you about erm, Ryan, apparently people are getting annoyed at you for taking too many photos when we are working

MIKE: It is fu**ing annoying

RYAN: I don’t see why, I just thought I would take photos of the tour and stuff. You will thank me when we are old and you can look back them

MIKE: No mate, it’s weird, every five seconds there is a flash going off in my face

JOWETT: Have you always done this, Ryan?

RYAN: Yeah I always used to take photos, even from an early age, always had a camera

JOWETT: Yeah?

RYAN: Yeah, I have photos of my little brother..

Laughter

JOWETT: Oh god, well that was Ryan’s career everyone

Laughter

RYAN: Shut up

JOWETT: Okay erm what’s this about Mike cleaning up sick?

MIKE: (Tuts) I don’t want to talk about this

RYAN: I will. We had a messy night on Friday and everyone was f**cked, no one can remember a thing. Anyway, Mike woke up in the tour bus and wandered over to the kitchen area and saw that the sink was full of sick, so he thought ‘Oh no what have I done’ so he starts scooping the sick out of the sink and into the bin before anyone could discover it

Laughter

RYAN: Anyway, he cleans it all up and goes back to bed for a bit. Later on Joel get’s up, wanders over to the kitchen area and goes “Who cleaned up my sick?”

Laughter from all over for a good few minutes

JOWETT: (Laughing) That’s brilliant

RYAN: I know, the look on Joel’s face made it better

MIKE: Yeah yeah, move it along

JOWETT: Erm What’s this about Mike not being allowed to wear some T-shirt?

RYAN: He wanted to wear some t-shirt that has a picture of something offensive, but management said he can’t do it. They said it will cause chaos and disruption

MIKE: (Tuts) It’s a T-shirt, not a nail bomb

Laughter

JOWETT: And also I heard Joel came out with some ridiculous comment

MIKE: Er yeah (Laughs) On my street, someone has tied ribbons and a picture of someone to several tree’s up the road because its someones birthday. Joel saw this and thought someone had died in a car crash but hit every tree on the way down

Laughter

JOWETT: Brilliant

JOEL: There were flowers attatched to them

MIKE: There wasn’t mate

JOWETT: Okay, we wanted to get ‘Bean Bag’ the roadie on this post but he is busy so we will get him on the next post

MIKE: That will be mental, don’t mention any of the stuff I said about him the other week

JOWETT: Why?

MIKE: BECAUSE HE’S FU**ING MENTAL!

JOWETT: How do you know he doesn’t read this?

MIKE: Because……shit

Laughter

JOWETT: Mmm I am wary of this idea but you know, hopefully it will be funny. Anyway! Until next time! Goodbye!

 

 

Get On the Band Wagon!

JOWETT: Erm first off, out of interest, what do you make of the troubles in London at the moment?

RYAN: Mmm it is a bit mental, with all the setting sh*t on fire and robbing shops

JOWETT: Yeah

MIKE: I’m worried about it

JOWETT: This better be a serious point your about to make, mate

MIKE: It is! My dad works in that part of London I will have you know!

JOWETT: Oh right, sorry

MIKE: Yeah! I’m worried he’s not going to rob me the right size trainers from Footlocker

Laughter 

JOWETT: I’m never throwing a serious question to you ever again. Anyway I got an email asking if you lot have ever slagged off one of these celebrities to their face. Have you?

RYAN: Well a few years back we were supposed to go to this music awards show and we saw the awards list of people going and noticed that ‘The Kooks’ were gonna be there too. So, Mike despises the front man of ‘The Kooks’ and has slated him so many times but never crossed paths

JOWETT: So Mike saw this as an opportunity?

RYAN: Yeah he relished that, when he found out that they were both going to be in the same room, he started drinking three days before the event

Laughter

RYAN:  So he was gonna have his moment, there would be no holding back

JOWETT: Ahh what happened?

RYAN: He got interviewed at the beginning of the night and he said to this reporter “When are The Kooks on?” She said something like “at about 10 o’clock” and he just stared down the lens of the TV camera and said “Well, at that point i’ll be having a sh*t”. That was the last we saw of him, he passed out on a table

Laughter

JOWETT: Well, good stuff. Erm I want to talk about this story that your roadie was telling you earlier, I think Joel would like it

RYAN: Well, right one of our roadie’s is weird

Laughter

RYAN: Well they are all weird, but one in particular, needs help

JOWETT: Why?

MIKE: He is just weird, man. Honestly get him on these interviews and you will see why. I can’t talk to him for more than a few minutes without cracking up, he comes out with some stuff

RYAN: I don’t think we can have him on these interviews because he has some strange views on things

JOWETT: I see, well, what’s his name?

MIKE: Well..

RYAN: Don’t give out his name, he’s dangerous

Laughter

MIKE: (Laughter) He’s not, he’s just a bit odd. Erm we will refer to him as ‘Bean Bag’

JOWETT: (Laughing) Why?

MIKE: Because I told him once he looked like one, but with glasses and a curly wig placed on top of it

Laughter

JOWETT: Bet he loved that

MIKE: Well that’s when I first met him, now, if i had known back then, what I know now, I wouldn’t have even talked to him

JOWETT: Aww that’s a bit harsh

MIKE: (To Ryan) Remember what happened to him after he had only been working for us for about a month?

RYAN: Yeah. Police came to one of our shows while the stage was being set up, and arrested him on charge of attempted rape

JOWETT: Christ!

MIKE: Remember what he said when they told him he was being arrested for attempted rape?

JOWETT: What?

RYAN: After the policeman said “I’m arresting you on suspicion of attempted rape” he said “Oh not again”

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) Oh my god

RYAN: Should probably point out that he was found innocent and they let him go

JOWETT: Well yeah, probably

RYAN: He means well and he’s a bloody good roadie…he’s just odd

JOWETT: Come on then, explain why, just give us one example

MIKE: Erm off the top of my head, he has that death book

JOWETT: What?

MIKE: He has this book, which is from some Japanese comic, right, and he was explaining to Ryan how it works. He reckons, if you want someone to DIE you write their name in this book AND how you would like them to meet their maker, and then it will happen

Laughter

JOWETT: Your not serious?

RYAN: Yeah, he is mate

JOWETT: has he tried to use it?

MIKE: Well, he told us he hadn’t disliked someone strongly enough to use it against them, because of its power

Laughter

MIKE: BUT we know that’s a lie because we found it, had a look through it and in the middle page of the book was the name ‘Hallie Berry’

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) What!?

MIKE: Yeah. He hadn’t written down how he would like her to perish but you know, still. I mean I don’t know what she has done in paticular to piss him off

RYAN: (Put’s on creepy angry voice) “Catwoman shouldn’t be black! She’s ruined it forever!”

Laughter

JOWETT: I see, he’s in to all that stuff then. Comic books, Japanese Cartoons…

MIKE: Knives

RYAN: Wolves

JOWETT: Stop! stop! He’s into what?

MIKE: Yeah he has a collection of knives and he has some fascination with wolves, but that’s not really relevant

Laughter

RYAN: Oh! We aren’t too sure where his sexuality lie’s because he has this list of people who are on tour with us that he would sleep with, in order, men and women

JOWETT: RIGHT! I’m not having this! I have been hanging out with you lot and been on tour with you for ages now and you have only just thought to bring this up? It’s Bollocks!

MIKE: Invite him in to the next interview mate and see for yourself! He’s not shy about talking about himself, just don’t patronise him, because then he knows your taking the piss and he clams up then

JOWETT: Hmm okay. I am going to have to see about this. Anyway tell this story that Joel wants to hear

RYAN: Oh yeah. There was this babysitter hired to look after a baby because it’s parents had gone out for the night. The baby is left upstairs and the sitter has a monitor she can hear the baby on if it cries. Anyway, she hears the baby crying so she goes up to see if it’s okay. She comforts the baby untill it goes back to sleep and then she goes back downstairs. After a few minutes the baby starts crying again, so she goes back up, comforts it to sleep and goes back down stairs. It happens a third time, so she goes upstairs and comforts the baby back to sleep again. Before she goes back down stairs she looks around the room to see what could be upsetting the baby. The only thing she could think of is a big clown doll that is sat upright on the other side of the room. So she calls up the baby’s mum and says “The baby keeps crying, I think it’s the clown doll she has at the bottom of the room, shall i move it?” and the mother says “What clown doll”

Laughter

JOWETT: For the purpose of the tape, the reason we laughed then is because we all turned in unison to look at Joel, who had his mouth wide open in shock

RYAN: Anyway, it turns out that this ‘clown doll’ was a nut job paedophile that had broken in

JOWETT: I mean im guessing you assume this story isn’t true

RYAN: Obviously, it came from the mouth of a nut case so…

JOEL: Still scary though! Can you imagine finding that in your bedroom!?

JOWETT: (Laughs) Yeah, suppose. Anyway I think we better wrap this up! Next week we might introduce ‘Bean bag’

Laughter

JOWETT: Until next time! Look at Joel walking off already! Got to be somewhere mate?

JOEL: Dying for the toilet!

JOWETT: Go on then!

(Sound of Joel leaving the room)

JOWETT: So who want’s to chip in for a big clown doll to put in his room?

Laughter

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Get On the Band Wagon!

 

JOWETT: Howdy

RYAN: Hello

MIKE: Hello

JOEL: Alright

JOWETT: We got more good responses about Joel’s review. We will do more reviews in later posts while we ask for suggestions from the readers. I have put the word out on Twitter. I was looking at some of the trending topics on Twitter and have been trying to incorporate them into promotion for the blog

MIKE: Like what?

JOWETT: Like, for example, one trending topic was #getsonmynerves. I can’t remember what I did for that one. Michael, what gets on your nerves?

MIKE: Parkinsons

Laughter

JOWETT: Ah and with one word he has forced me to move on. Erm we have had some email’s regarding your cat, Joel

JOEL: Oh yeah?

JOWETT: Mmm yeah. What is its name?

JOEL: Spam

JOWETT: What? Spam?

JOEL: Yeah

JOWETT: As in the food or junk mail?

JOEL: The food

Laughter

JOWETT: I mean you’re looking at me like you can’t understand why this is a weird question

JOEL: My dad liked Monty Python and I think it was something to do with a joke from their show

MIKE: So, hang on (Laughs) When your mum had to call the cat to come indoors, she had to stand on the porch and shout “Spam!”

Laughter

JOEL: Yeah, he told me he put that into consideration when he named it that

MIKE: Genius

JOWETT: Your neighbours must have thought your mum was mad “That woman is shouting spam into the street again”

Laughter

JOWETT: Okay erm let’s have a look at some news stories. First off, Heather Mills has been in the news

MIKE: Why? She raped another Beatle? Ping

PING

Laughter

MIKE: Psychic!

JOWETT: (Laughing) Not really mate, we all knew that noise was gonna follow a comment like that. Anyway she had her phone hacked or something

RYAN: BORING

MIKE: Yeah, next story, Jowett

JOWETT: Erm a polar bear has killed a youth in Norway

RYAN: Really?

JOWETT: Yeah. Apparently it wandered into a youth camp and attacked…. You know what, I just read out the words Polar bear, killings, Norway and youth camp, noticed the smile on Mike’s face and can practically read the joke’s in his head

PING

JOWETT: Yeah yeah it’s alright, it’s alright, I stopped it

RYAN: I saw the smile, but it is going to have to be pretty tenuous to link a polar bear to the event I think your on about

JOWETT: I know, but just to be safe

RYAN: Go on, what was it along the lines of?

MIKE: I think he’s got a polar bear teddy in prison that he’s using to do voodoo

JOWETT: Yeah sure, right let’s..

JOEL: Or he trained them to carry on his work after he’s gone

PING

JOWETT: JOEL!

MIKE: (Laughing) A bit like Jesus!

PING

JOWETT: RIGHT!

Laughter

JOWETT: I’m not sure how I lost that, even when I thought I had nipped an offensive joke in the bud I managed to let a WORSE joke manifest

MIKE: Next story then

JOWETT: Thank you Mike for moving this along ermm a bloke in Sweden has been arrested after trying to build a nuclear reactor in his flat

RYAN: Go on

JOWETT: Erm says here “A Swedish man has been arrested after he was discovered trying to build a nuclear reactor in his kitchen. Richard Handl wrote a blog about his experiment, including his use of radioactive elements radium, americium and uranium in his flat. Amazingly, Mr Handl was only arrested after he sent a question to Sweden’s Radiation Authority, asking if what he was doing was illegal. The Swedish government responded by sending the police to his flat and arresting him on charges of unauthorised possession of nuclear materials. Mr Handl said he had ‘always been interested in physics and chemistry’ and wanted to ‘see if it’s possible to split atoms at home’

MIKE: What a fool

JOWETT: Mr Handl could face two years in prison if convicted but that hasn’t stopped him updating his blog with numerous links to the news coverage he has received since his arrest last month. (Laughs) Gotta love the commitment from him, still updating his blog

MIKE: I would have liked to see the last entry just before he was rumbled  (Bad Swedish accent) “I think somebody is at the door”

Laughter

JOWETT: Just after he’s been arrested (Similar bad Swedish accent) “So, here’s a turn up for the book’s. I’m going away for a while”

RYAN: So he even asked the Swedish radiation authority to see if it was illegal

MIKE: Of course it’s fu**ing illegal though! Like at what stage did he have to ask himself “Is this illegal?” When he was wearing goggles and holding a glowing green orb with oven mitts

Laughter

JOWETT: Yeah, I like to think he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and thought “Hmmmm is this weird?”

MIKE: I want to see the conversation between himself and the Swedish radiation authority. “I have a question, just out of interest, hypothetically, would it illegal to try to SPLIT AN ATOM in my kitchen?” “(Laughs) Erm yeah just a bit illegal” “…Oh” “Why? Have you been trying to split an atom in your kitchen?” “(Sniggers) Noooooo, no way,erm gotta go, my walls are melting”

Laughter

JOWETT: Right we better wrap this up! Until next time!

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Get On the Band Wagon!

JOWETT: Hello!

MIKE: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: So, you were all late coming here

MIKE: Don’t jab your finger at me ,mate, when you say “you were all late”. Joel is the reason we were late

JOWETT: Why, what was Joel doing?

JOEL: Just had an appointment

MIKE: Doctors!

Laughter

JOWETT: Doctors ay? why were you going there

JOEL: Just a check up. Blood tests and that

JOWETT: (Laughing) Why did you have to have blood tests?

JOEL: Doesn’t matter

JOWETT: (Laughing) No no, why did you have to have a blood test?

JOEL: (Tuts) Cholesterol

JOWETT: CHLOESTEROL! I don’t think you can get cholesterol from groupies

Laughter

JOEL: Shut up

JOWETT: Anyway let’s get on with it. Joel, we have had a few suggestions for your film review. But I chose the one I liked the best which was the film ‘Teeth’, so you have reviewed that haven’t you?

JOEL: Yeah

MIKE: These film reviews are pointless. He doesn’t review it, he just says what he would do if he was in that film

JOEL; Just jealous

MIKE: No mate

JOWETT: Yeah I think you are jealous of Joel’s award-winning film reviews

MIKE: Award winning?

JOWETT: Yeah if you don’t stop attacking Joel’s review then we will give him an award for it, which I know will annoy you

MIKE: Honestly its like he is 10 and you are giving him fake awards so he will behave. Right! Yesterday I saw Joel eating a banana, but before he peeled it, he was looking at it, realised it had a sticker on it, so he peeled it off and stuck it to his chest like a monkey in a zoo

Laughter from all over the room

JOWETT: (Laughter) I really hope that story is true

MIKE: It is

JOWETT: (Laughing) Ryan! look at Ryan! He looks like he is in pain because he is laughing so hard

Pause

JOWETT: You okay now mate?

RYAN: Ohhh (Pause) Yeah. As funny as that was, I kind of want to give Joel a hug because of that story

JOWETT: I know. Well Ryan, if Mike keeps it up, you can Present Joel with an award

MIKE: Pshhh

JOWETT: Have you had to present an award before, at like an actual awards ceremony?

RYAN: Nah. Mike had to once I remember

MIKE: Yeah, it was bizarre. It was one of them American award shows. We were pretty much unheard of and I was asked to present an award with this actress. But she went on and on for too long. Someone at the side of the stage was signaling for her to get on with it, but she was going on like Hallie Berry accepting an Oscar. All People in the audience were getting annoyed

Laughter

JOWETT: Like who?

MIKE: Erm Chris Brown, his eye started twitching

Laughter

PING

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) That ping signalling we should move on from that joke. Joel, do your review

JOEL: Okay. Teeth. Basically the protagonist in this story has teeth in her vagina

MIKE: Woah woah, where did he learn a word like ‘story’

Laughter

JOWETT: He’s getting into this isn’t he, like a real reviewer. Carry on mate

JOEL: Well she starts off as a girl who doesn’t believe in sex before marriage and all that. Then she get’s raped and the lad that attacks her gets his knob bitten off by her vagina. To be honest, this is just a trend that happens throughout. She sleeps with different boys and they all get killed by this lethal vagina

JOWETT: Right

JOEL: Oh but it doesn’t bite off their knob if she likes the person she is sleeping with

RYAN: You mean it doesn’t bite off their cock if they aren’t raping her?

JOEL: Err yeah

JOWETT: I was gonna say, why does she keep getting attacked?

JOEL: I’m not really sure

Laughter

JOEL: But in the end she gets into it and sorta uses it as a weapon to teach perverts a lesson

JOWETT: Right, what do you make of it? Daft?

JOEL: Well obviously. I looked it up because I thought it was a message about STD’s

Laughter

JOEL: But apparently it is based on a myth which was invented to stop men raping women

JOWETT: What?

RYAN: This isn’t true

MIKE: As if that had to be invented! (Put’s on voice) “Why shouldn’t I rape people!?” “Well it’s wrong” “NOPE, sorry that’s not a good enough reason! There would have to be a definite downside to me forcing sex on someone” “Some women have TEETH in their vagina, good enough reason?” “Well….yes”. It’s ridiculous

Laughter

JOWETT: Well, obviously Joel would never attack a woman, so we can’t really get your tips on how to get out of that situation

MIKE: What? (Laughing) Tips on how to attack a woman without getting hurt?

PING PING PING

Laughter

JOWETT: I SAID WE CAN’T DO IT!

JOEL: Well say It was consensual but she was just doing it to get revenge for something

JOWETT: Err okay yeah

JOEL: I just think I would know and would have legged it

RYAN: That’s always your answer “I would just run off”

MIKE: What? Just run off with an erection?

JOEL: Yeah

MIKE: I think that would be difficult mate, uncomfortable

RYAN: How do you know?

JOWETT: I don’t know actually. Well what situation would you have to run off with an er..

PING

JOWETT: (Laughing) Yeah, actually, Let’s not

Laughter

JOWETT: We should probably end it there. Ermm keep sending in your suggestions for Joel’s film reviews! and keep following. Goodbye!

 

 

 

Get On the Band Wagon!

 JOWETT: Hello!

MIKE: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Hi

JOWETT: Joel. Your film review has had a good response on the e-mails

JOEL: Has it?

JOWETT: Yeah. We have had people e-mailing in suggesting films for you to review. Which I think is a great idea, but, the films people have asked you to review, are kids films

JOEL: So?

JOWETT: Well people are suggesting these films because they are their favourite films from their childhood. If YOU review it, you are just going to single-handedly destroy that film for them. You will review Hook, read too much in to it and claim Robin Williams was just an opportunist pedophile and the reason they were called the lost boys is because they lost their innocence after….

RYAN: Tut I liked that film! (Sarcastically) WELL DONE!

JOWETT: Well! I’m just saying, that is what is going to happen if he reviews childhood classic’s! Ryan has a few e-mails there, read them out mate

RYAN: EVERYBODY IS 8!

Laughter

JOWETT: Christ don’t shout that out, sounds like we have filled the studio with 8 year olds and you have only just noticed

RYAN: (Laughing) I mean these email’s. In everyone they say “When I was 8..”

JOEL: I want to do it. Get them to send in suggestions

JOWETT: Okay. If you want Joel to review a film then send in a suggestion, either a e-mail or a comment. (Pause) Just looking at  few other email’s. Someone suggested ‘Home Alone’. I like that film so I don’t know if i want you to do that. Mike, didn’t you have a home alone-esk story about someone you know? Didn’t you say it was just like the film?

MIKE: It wasnt really like the film

JOWETT: Why?

MIKE: Because the child was killed

JOWETT: OH GOD!

Some laughter from around the room

RYAN:You didn’t need Joel to ruin that after all

JOWETT: I know! Let’s move on from this

MIKE: I thought you wanted to talk about pet’s or something

JOWETT: No I overheard Joel on the phone to his mum talking about the family cat or something, but it sounded bizarre. What were you talking about?

JOEL: Oh, just the pet cat is on its last legs and my mum was just telling me it hasn’t got long left

JOWETT: Have you had that cat for a while?

JOEL: Yeah we had it when I lived at home

JOWETT: Shame, so you grew up with that cat then

JOEL: Suppose, I didn’t like it much, it was too moody

Laughter

JOWETT: What do you mean?

JOEL: Well it was overweight and it used to sit and just prop itself up against a wall pulling hair out of itself

Laughter

JOWETT: So you had a self harming cat?

Laughter

JOEL: Yeah

JOWETT: Brilliant! What drove it to that?

MIKE: I think Joel drove it to that. I bet it sat there, propped up against the wall, breathing heavily because its overweight, took one look at Joel’s miserable, stupid face and thought ‘Fu*k my life’

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) That’s a bit harsh. Did you have any family pet’s, Mike?

MIKE: Nah. I do remember rounding up spiders in our house and smashing them in

Laughter

JOWETT: Jesus christ! You have previous with the RSPCA, I wouldnt admit to that

MIKE: No one likes spiders

JOWETT: Yeah but still, it doesn’t justify you ethnically cleansing your house of them

MIKE: THAT’S WORSE! You just compared killing spiders to the holocaust!

Laughter

PING

JOWETT & RYAN & MIKE: WAYHEY!

JOWETT: OUR FIRST PING! That means, inevitably, we have crossed the line and should probably stop there. So we will say goodbye. If you want Joel to review any films then send in your requests! goodbye!