JOWETT: Firstly I need to ask about something that I heard Joel say earlier
JOWETT: Well I heard him say something like “One of you has stolen the laces from my shoes”
JOWETT: And then Ryan said “Stop it, remember the band member who cried MULTH”. What’s MULTH?
RYAN: Well a few months ago Joel made some accusations that he couldn’t back up. MULTH stands for Mike is Unessesairly Leaving me THreats
RYAN: He reckoned Mike was leaving him threatening messages but when we asked to see them, so he could back up these claims, he reckoned Mike had taken them back
JOWETT: (Laughing) How? How did he get them back?
JOEL: He asked for them back
JOWETT: So you gave them to him?
JOEL: Well yeah
MIKE: Ridiculous isn’t it?
JOWETT: Well yeah, I mean it sounds suspect, but I think there might be some truth in it
MIKE: Nah, no proof!
JOEL: It is true, I was going to keep them and show you but he said he really needed them back, so I gave them to him
JOWETT: Okay, You are an idiot, Joel. In future, keep the threats, even if he asks for them back
JOWETT: Anyway, here is a story from the news. ‘Paintball bursts breast implant’
RYAN: (Disgusted) Eurgh what?
JOWETT: Well “A woman is recovering after her breast implant burst when she was shot in the chest during a game of paintball. The 26-year-old’s soft gel implant ruptured under her skin when the ball hit her breast at 190mph”
JOWETT: “It caused UK Paintball, which operates more than 50 facilities nationwide, to insist that women with breast implants wear extra chest protection. The company’s standard indemnity form now points out that paint balls can damage breast implants” (Laughs) Sounds like they have put that on their advertisement campaigns ’UK PAINTBALL, NOW SO POWERFULL IT WILL BUST YOUR FAKE TIT’S!
JOWETT: “At first she thought it was just a painful bruise. But when she went to see a doctor a few days later, he revealed the force of the impact had torn the implant. A UK Paintball spokesman said “Part of the fun of paintball is that it hurts a bit when you get shot”
RYAN: I bet a lot of people get more than just hurt at UK Paintball
MIKE: Mmm sounds like they have to constantly trawl out that sentence (Daft voice) ”Being hurt in paintball is half the fun!”
RYAN: (Daft voice) “Trips and falls are half the fun!”
RYAN: (Daft Voice) “Introducing the odd real bullet, is half the fun!”
JOWETT: (Laughing) Yeah yeah okay, I must point out that UK Paintball don’t introduce “The odd real bullet”. Anyway I will finish it off, the spokesman said “The incident has been a real wakeup call and nobody should ever feel worried for their safety during a game of paintball. But it’s worth remembering that having bigger breasts will make you an easier target for your enemies.”
JOWETT: Yep. Anyway there is another story that caught my eye. ‘Cross-eyed possum goes into retirment’
MIKE: This news you keep reading out, is for idiots
JOWETT: Well, do you want to tell us your thoughts on Gaddafi?
JOWETT: Exactly. “Heidi the cross-eyed opossum is being put into retirement at the ripe old age of three-and-a-half to save her from the stress of her celebrity lifestyle” (Laughs) Celebrity lifestyle?
RYAN: Celebrity lifestyle!? Have they sent it to rehab?
MIKE: (Daft voice) It was crazy time’s man, I was doing my own body weight in crack and my relationship with one of the pussy cat dolls went tit’s up and then of course I punched a photographer
JOWETT: It says “The mad-eyed marsupial became a worldwide sensation from her enclosure at Leipzig Zoo, Germany, when pictures of her appeared on the internet”
RYAN: What? I’ve never heard of it
JOWETT: ‘Hundreds of thousands signed up to become her Facebook friends and she even had a stint at co-hosting an Oscars show in a live TV link-up with Hollywood. Now keepers say she must withdraw from public life so she can enjoy what’s left of her life in peace and quiet. Zoo spokesman Fabian Schmidt explained: “Heidi’s lifestyle could have contributed to her problems so we have put her into retirement.”
MIKE: Ridiculous, we are living this lifestyle and prostitutes never made Ryan cross-eyed
RYAN: (Tuts) Shut up
JOWETT: Your just jealous because this Possum is more famous than you
MIKE: Pfft behave
JOWETT: Well have you ever presented the Oscars? Well then. “Heidi is even to be separated from her breeding partner Teddy to save her from being bothered” (Laughs) In case what? Teddy tries to get it to sell its story to the papers or appear on Oprah?
JOWETT: Anyway, Let’s end this here. Until next time! Goodbye!
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